We just spent 3 days with uBPD mom and edad that despite us all on our very best behaviour — not mom of course, she was doing her witchy worst — it was still breathtakingly unpleasant.

In the past I used to leave family visits feeling this rage and betrayal towards my husband. I’d be mad that he didn’t stand up for me more. That he didn’t clock enough of her bullying in real time and intervene better (to be fair he hasn’t had a lifetime of practice like me).

To be clear, my husband sees my parents for what they are. Yet sometimes still seemed to want their approval, or slip into caring what they think about him.

Seeing this version of my husband made me lose respect for him. Wishing he had more moral courage or protected me more.

This time something shifted. I realized my husband is being (re)traumatized by my parents — his default trauma response is 100% fawning. He experienced terrible bullying as a kid. He’s done a lot of therapy and work on this, and I’m so proud of him.

But here I am putting him in this toxic bullying environment! Even if he’s not the main target, he is triggered as hell and suffering, just in different ways!

By feeling mad at him and causing conflict between us, my uBPD mom is getting exactly what she wants. She wins.

So all this to say — I am finally done. I can’t do this to my own family any more. I. Am. Done.

I posted recently about my jnmom and her boundary stomping and entitlement around giving gifts to our kid.

Well for anyone who’s going through similar, allow me to give you an inside peek into how the conversation down. Insane by normal person standards, but 100% on brand for any jnmom or mil.

Our call had all the classic hits:

It was a simple misunderstanding / honest mistake!

Aw jeez akath, cut your mom some slack.

Can’t you give us grace after all we do?

Well I have no memory of that.

Well ok, that happened, but you’re making mountains out of molehills, can’t we just move on?

But grandparents deserve to spoil their grandkids!

(Me: Can you see how from our perspective, the repeat ‘mistakes’ might feel like a pattern of disrespecting us as parents — like a screw you I’ll do what I want attitude?)

OK that’s just unfair and assuming nefarious intent where there isn’t any… you’ve really hurt my feelings!

(When I invited her to share her POV if that was inaccurate — what IS her thought process when she brings over gifts despite knowing better?)

I’d say there isn’t a thought process really? I don’t think about it at all.

(Me: Oof that hurts to hear you don’t consider us at all?)

Oh my god, akath, you’re being very sensitive don’t you think!

(We bring up sneaking more presents behind our backs during most recent unsupervised visit.)

GIVE ME GRACE!!!!

(Grace has been given. The rules apply to everybody. We told in-laws our values once — and never been an issue since. They got it. Help me understand why it isn’t like that for us?)

Well congratulations on having perfect in-laws, guess I’m the world’s worst grandma! I’ll never buy or do anything for anyone ever again! SORRY IM SUCH A FAILURE 😤😭

By the way, how dare you bring this up when your nana just cracked her skull open and might be DYING in the hospital RIGHT NOW?!?

(First time we are hearing this, we briefly express concern but refuse to be derailed — also this is a massive over exaggeration, 90 year old nana had a fall but she is ok. My mom also hates my paternal grandma’s guts and everybody knows this.)

And for the big finish: JNM tearfully hangs up on us mid sentence!

- END SCENE -

Well that’s that I guess. She is blocked for now to spare us any post crash out abuse. Not sure what comes next — any ideas? Sad lol.

Hello again!

Yall warned me the chat wouldn’t go well. And while it wasn’t a complete shitshow, it definitely wasn’t a success.

They played all the classic hits:

It was a simple misunderstanding / mistake! Excuse me for being a flawed human.

Jeez akath cut your mom some slack

Can’t you give us grace after all we do to support you?

Well I have no memory of that!

Well ok, that happened, but you’re making mountains out of molehills, let’s just move on already?

Grandmas deserve to spoil their grandkids!

(Can you see how from our perspective, the repeat ‘mistakes’ might feel like a pattern of disrespecting us as parents — like a screw you I’ll do what I want attitude?)

OK that’s just unfair and assuming nefarious intent where there isn’t any, you’ve really hurt my feelings!

(When invited to share her POV if what I said isn’t accurate, what is her thought process when she brings gifts despite knowing better?)

I’d say there isn’t a thought process really? I don’t think about it at all.

(Oof that hurts to hear you don’t consider us.)

OMG akath, you’re being very sensitive don’t you think?!

(Brings up sneaking toys behind our backs during most recent unsupervised visit)

GIVE ME GRAAAAAAAACE!!!!

(Grace has been given. The rules apply to everybody. We told in-laws our values once — and never been an issue since. They got it. Help me understand why it isn’t like that for us?)

Well congratulations on having perfect in-laws, guess I’m the world’s worst grandma! I’ll never buy or do anything for anyone ever again! SORRY I AM SUCH A FAILURE 😤😭

By the way, HOW DARE YOU bring this up when your nana just cracked her skull open and is on her deathbed in the hospital! (First time we are hearing this, we resist the derailing effort — also this is a massive over exaggeration, nana had a fall but she is ok, she also hates my paternal grandma’s guts and everyone knows this)

And for the big finish: tearfully hangs up on us

- END SCENE -

My mother’s boundary stomping and inability to handle her inappropriate over gifting tendencies has reached a breaking point.

This is a long time coming and trust when I say we have tried everythingggg short of prolonged or even perma NC. There have been short periods of playing along, and then she goes right back to it.

It’s no longer about the clutter, “honest mistakes” or first time grandparent excitement. At this point it’s a big fuck you to us and our authority/values.

Most recently uBPD mom and eDad babysat our toddler, and mom snuck in a bunch of presents which she unsuccessfully tried to hide from us. When caught, she blamed my edad who looked mortified but played along. We were too shocked to have a real confrontation in the moment, also they hustled out the door before we could process.

So they’ve forced my hand. Yet I keep procrastinating the conversation. I have the text written in my notes. But then I think I should call/facetime. Or do it with my spouse. Or in person. Or wait for the “right time.”

UGHH I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO, PLEASE HELP ME MEET THIS MOMENT I AM SO DONE WITH THIS

Thank you all, I love and appreciate this community xo

My parents, specifically my mom, will not stop bringing over presents for my toddler. Mostly toys, stuffies, sometimes clothes like pretty but not practical dresses or Disney store costumey getups — but rarely stuff we actually need and would find useful.

At first it was sweet, chalked it up to first time grandparent excitement. But as the clutter has grown, and P gets older and more aware, we have tried to put a stop to gift giving outside of holidays, birthdays, etc. We have no space!!! And we don’t want to raise a spoiled gimme gimme kid.

We have talked several times about this to my parents, put our boundaries/values in writing, even physically intercepted my mom at the door and taken the gifts before she can get to our kid. She kicks up a fuss every time, cue the waterworks, defensiveness and playing victim. My enabling dad knows better, he tries to play both sides, but ultimately always has her back on this. So confrontation becomes a 2 on 1 gang up session on me.

After confrontation my mom will respect our parenting values around gifting for a while, then go right back to doing whatever she wants. She has shopping habits that border on addiction, so yeah.

Had a last straw incident when my mom and dad babysat, and while we were out my mom snuck in presents and (unsuccessfully) hid them from us. When my husband found them she blamed it on my dad bringing them, who played along. We were so stunned we didn’t say anything at the time aside from “guys we talked about this.” They laughed it off as cutesy grandparent shit. But omg!!!! Not ok!!!!!

I don’t know what to do short of limiting or going no contact. But then I feel like it’s not enough to do something so drastic.

And yet it also feels like an intentional FUCK YOU to me/us at this point. What the fuck do I do. We don’t have this issue with anyone else.