u/alexpantytown

My avoidant ex dumped me and ghosted me. She eventually reached out to say she would offer clarity if I had any questions, and when I did ask a question she ghosted me again. I proceeded to send a few emotional texts of how cruel I thought the way she was treating me was. I also sent an apology text the next morning saying I was sorry for being heated, but that this has been a really hard time for me and that the way they reached out and then ghosted me really triggered me. This was over 2 months ago. I’ve really removed myself from the situation, even though we do both have a ton of mutual friends. Since then, about every week or two, I get a message from one of our mutual friends berating me for “not taking accountability” for how I talked to them. My best friend hit me with this yesterday out of nowhere, even cancelling our plans to see a concert the next day that we had planned for months.

My ex is actively telling our friends to be on her side, and they are doing just that! I truly don’t know how to move on at this point, when every time I feel like I make an iota of progress I get a message dragging me back into something that happened months ago. I also feel so gaslit. I’m being treated like I threatened violence or something, when truly all I said was how her direct actions made me feel. And I HAVE apologized, but am also being berated for sending them an apology. I don’t want to lose all my friends, but also … fuck… I’m at a loss.

I’m a self aware person, I have no problem saying I’m sorry for when I’m wrong, which I did instantly in this situation and many times over. But just being relentlessly told to “take accountability” but being given no avenue to do that is making me feel literally insane. I also don’t think exchanging a few heated words after getting dumped (for the second time) is like…crazy?? To bring all our mutual friends into it seems so out of line to me. Are we not all emotional bags of meat that lash out sometimes when our world gets turned upside down? Where is the compassion and grace from people who I have shown love and compassion to for years?

Been a very isolating and lonely time. This threat has been such a great resource though.

My avodient ex dumped me (for the second time). The only thing I asked was when we would talk again, as there was more to discuss. She said a week. A week went by, then 2, then 3, and she never reached out. I gave complete space. Didn't even look at her social media. She viewed mine every single day. About a month later she finally reached out with an HR-esque text basically saying “Oops sorry I didn't reach out when I said I would, I just don't have anything to say. If you have any questions I can try and offer clarity.” I asked her a question, and she left me on read for hours. After a month of anxiously awaiting her to reach out (on top of a 2 year relationship of inconsistency) I finally lost my cool a bit. I ended up sending a few too many texts in a row. Nothing I said was mean, vulgar, threatening, I didn't even curse. I just said how her actions through our relationship and the first month of this break up had affected me. First thing the next morning I sent her a message apologizing for being so emotional, and asked if we could just touch base so that the next time she reaches out it doesn't send me into a spiral like that again. I then get a message from a mutual friends seeming incredibly concerned and saying that my ex basically reached out to all our mutual friends saying that I'm freaking out and not okay. I was shocked. She is someone that had FREQUENT emotional breakdowns throughout our relationship, and I always gave her complete empathy and privacy. I get upset one single time after having my life turned upside down and she brings in all our friends. I find out she sent screenshots of what I texted to her to our friends. These people have proceeded to absolutely berate me for “the way I acted that night” and that I “haven't taken accountability”. I'm truly at a loss. It's like I'm not allowed to be angry at the person who broke my heart multiple times, and then reached out to me to offer clarity, and then GHOSTED ME AGAIN???? And once again, all I messaged her was how her specific actions directly made me feel. I'm being treated like I threatened to attack her. Not only am I heartbroken, but I feel so alone from my friends just abandoning me over this. Probably the lowest I've ever felt in my life.

Was part of a very tight friend group of couples. My avoidant ex dumped me (for the second time), to which I reacted very calmly. All I ask was that they let me know when they would like to speak again, because we agreed there was more to discuss. They said in a week. They didn’t reach out for over a month, and so I gave them complete space (even though they watched my social media every single day). When they finally did reach out it was a cold text just to say that they had nothing to say yet and didn’t want to talk, but also that if I had any questions they could try to offer clarity. I asked a question, and they left me on read for hours. I got very uncharacteristically angry, and ended up sending a few too many texts in a row to say some things I had planned on calmly discussing in the talk that was promised to me. I didn’t swear, didn’t call names, didn’t make threats, didn’t say anything scary, all I said was how their actions had been affecting me. I also apologized first thing the next day for being emotional. Since then (over a month ago), the ENTIRE breakup has become about “how I acted that night” and that I “haven’t taken accountability”. My whole friend group has lost touch with reality. I’ve been berated for having the audacity to even sending the apology text. It’s like they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that I had one single human moment of anger after being traumatically discarded by the person I love, to which I instantly owned up to. My ex would frequently have huge emotional blowups, to which I always gave her complete privacy and empathy. I am being held to an entirely different standard than her because “that’s just the way she is”, whereas I almost never get emotional. In a way I feel like this is actually a good thing because I have learned that these people are willing to lose me over nothing. Has anyone else experienced their friend group getting so callous like that after a breakup??