Can’t Keep Going
I thought that we’d be friends forever, I really did. I thought that I’d never reach a breaking point where I had to lay my sword down and say enough is enough. I can’t continue to fight for a friendship that it seems like I am the only one that wants that.
You would always say you’d never leave and that everyone leaves you. I think I understand why “everyone leaves” you. You don’t make things easy to cultivate. You punish your “friends” when they upset you instead of discussing things and trying to understand the other’s perspective. You have to be babied and nurtured in your friendships which is not reasonable when you’re asking it from someone who’s barely able to take care of herself.
I wish like hell you’d work on yourself. You’d make such a difference in how to maintain your relationships with others if you just stuck to working on yourself and kept going to therapy. I know it’s rich coming from me when I’m not the best friend due to my own mental disorders. The difference though? I’m still working on myself every single day and trying.
Ultimately my heart hurts to lose another person in my life but I also can’t be punished via not being responded to over days due to a miscommunication. It’s not fair or right to play with my emotions and make me stressed because you didn’t like my lack of response to something. You didn’t bother to ask me if I was missing my mental health treatment (I have been- scheduling conflicts) which makes me often be lesser of a friend due to my declining mental state. I’ve been increasingly suicidal and depressed since missing my usual infusion. I’m usually a much better friend and responder to things when I’m medicated.
All I know is I am through doing this cycle again. I can’t do it a 68292th time. I’ve been here, rinsed and washed and repeated the cycle. I’m tired of putting myself so far out there communicating, telling you to communicate, telling you to ask questions for it to all fall back on me being the one not communicating. Can’t keep going through that.
I guess this is my resignation letter to our friendship. And sadly, you’ll probably never even see this.