I cannot decide if to abort or not.
Hi guys,
Please do not judge me, but this is my situation right now and I don't even know why it is all messy out of nowhere.
So basically, I am pregnant. Exactly 21 weeks and 1 day as of today. I live in the UK, here the legal limit is 23 weeks and 6 days.
I'll give you some context now: this was a planned pregnancy, both me and my bf are 28 yo, live in the UK and we are together from 3 years. Of course we do live together as well. We just didn't expect it will happen THIS QUICK.
In the beginning of my pregnancy, I was very clear in my mind with my plan and I wanted very much to keep this baby. I was extremely attached since the very beginning and the only thought of medical abortion was making me cry. Another thing why I didn't feel to abort, is that I knew very early in my pregnancy that I was carrying a little boy. This made me attach even more emotionally because I never had a present male figure at home and I don't know how does it feel to have it.
However, I knew logically that it was a not very mature choice for various reasons:
I will be made redundant in September.
We are renting a property, but it is not exactly child friendly. For example: we do not have space for a nursery since it is a 1 bed flat.
I would like to pursue my career goals further.
So, at the time, even if logically I knew abortion made sense, I preferred to not pursue it because the only thought was making me emotional.
Going further with the pregnancy, I don't know EXACTLY what the hell happened, but I began to develop this FEAR of the unknown and I am freaked out.
I thought again to the list of logical reasons on why I need to abort, and to this other fears were added, such as:
Not being responsible enough and not being able to care for another human being.
The fact my bf has a full time job, so stable income, doesn't mean that I am happy to rely on him, even though he is happy and ready. All my life I used to not rely on anyone because I feel extremely guilty to be a burden.
I pretty much love my independence and now I fear that a baby could take that away from me.
I have body dysmorphia. This situation that I do not have control over my body is killing me. I hate my body and I want to return to my previous condition. (This is not a right reason to abort, but it's what I feel.)
Also, my parents, even though they were not exactly the perfect model of parenthood, don't agree with my choice and they don't even talk to me. They made me feel guilty and dirty just because I am pregnant. But my parents said it to the world already, of course not proudly, but it was more like:" look what she has done".
Because of this, I HATE that people know that I am pregnant and I always try to hide it as best as I can. My family and my relatives always saw me as a career-driven individual who didn't have time for kids. I hate to break this idea that they have of me and I hate to feel judged, because I KNOW all of them are judging me and my situation hard.
So when i was 18 weeks, I scheduled one appointment with an abortion clinic, I attended, but I felt I should not be there. That that was not my place. I said all my worries to the clinician as well and of course she said that If I am not sure 100% they cannot proceed, which I understand. She said that there is not always a right moment and she thought I needed to be honest on what I want with myself and think less with my head.
I thought I was ready so I scheduled another appointment when I was 20 weeks, but didn't go through because they changed my appointment from 10 to 8:30 last minute, and I was convinced it was still 10.
So this is the thing: I feel pulled both ways, I don't know what to do and I feel very much scared because I am reaching the legal limit.
I know you cannot choose for me, but please help me navigate my feelings. I never found myself so undecided on what to do. Usually, I always have a plan and I pursue what I have decided instantly. I don't wait. So I have no clue what is happening to me for this decision.
I generally think pregnancy is a blessing and I am also 100% pro choice. Women can do what the hell they want with their body. I always supported this and I will continue to support it.
Thank you for reading all this 😭