u/almondbug

When I got sick, I gained a lot of weight (like 20kg) in a very short amount of time. I was worried by it but doctors saw it as the cause of me being sick, not a symptom.

For years I shamed myself for my cravings, pushed myself to diet, exercise and my health only got worse.

Last year I discover I am severely gluten intolerant. The pains, the fatigue? Malabsorption. The cravings, the hunger? That too. My body could not absorb anything useful, I was just storing fat and running on sugar.

Before going GF I managed to somehow lose a small portion of the extra weight, but it was easy to gain again and it wasnt without a lot of effort and sometimes extreme measures.

I have been GF for almost a year now. I am down 10kg from my initial maximum weight. 7kg lost in the past year.

I am not saying it is healthy to lose weight or it is bad to have fat etc. In my case my weight was unhealthy and a symptom of a big problem.

My doctors only pushed me to lose the weight without asking why my body was acting like that. No one cared. I also hated myself and my body, I blamed myself and tried so many things.

Now I can see it. My body was asking for help and I blamed myself instead. Now that I am taking care of my body, now that i know how to do it, it is working.

I am not even going to the gym anymore and honestly been lax with treats recently, especially before getting my period. And yet, without extreme exercise or policing myself, it is slowly going down. It is not fast, it is slow and steady. So I take it as a good sign. I dont wanna rush it.

It is a bittersweet moment where I see myself healing a bit, satisfied that I was right and found the answer, but sad no one believed me and at times i didnt believe myself.

People dont realize how celiac or even gluten intolerance can fuck your relationship with food.

I have been in therapy for 3 years now and i touched the topic of my insect phobia, but didn't go deep. I had a silverfish infestation in my old home when I was 18. It was horrible and thet got into my books (i used to be a bookworm) and papers and all. We almost got rid of them but ended up moving out (for other reasons).

I didn't know at the time but it caused me to develop my first compulsions and whole OCD loop. I was diagnosed with OCD years later bc the silverfish were gone but my brain was fucked and found other compulsions. But before I had zero suport, I could not afford therapy and my family was very against me getting treatment of any kind. It took years of battles to get any help and by the time I did, there were other problems to address.

Over the years I got better with my fears. I would occasionally find 1 or 2 silverfish and kill them, and that would be it. Breathe in and out. All good. Even my OCD was bascally treated and I was able to go off my meds. I know how my brain falls into these loops and was lucky enough to have it under control. I haven't done compulsions in years.

I recently moved houses and we noticed a couple of silverfish here and there. It can be normal, especially since the apartment was empty for some time. But they have been getting more frequent, despite cleaning. And today I came back home at night to find several of them between the kitchen and bathroom.

I am trying not to lose my shit.

I feel like I am getting war flashbacks. I can feel my hands shaking. I remember the smell of the sprays, the powders i would put in every corner, the terror of seeing many of them exit from a hole close to the doorframe... every single remedy on earth i could find. I would spend days making sure I secured every corner, pretty sure inhaling those fumes did not help at all.

I thought I was done with OCD, I thought I was better, but now I am checking under my pillow. I cannot turn off the light and sleep, because I imagine them crawling under my bed. I am scared they will get in my food and I am already making mental notes for tomorrow.

I wanna go out and buy the strongest bug killer and disinfect the whole house. I feel like nothing is secure and I am scared of opening a book to find them there.

I swear I can feel shit crawling on me even though I know nothing is there.

I hate every single bit of it.

Last time it was also spring. And I didn't really survive the summer. Part of me died that time, there is the child I was before and the absolute mess I became after.

I am scared no one will believe me again. I am so fucking scared of going crazy again. I don't deserve it, why does it happen I am so tired of this.