Guidance and Advice (slight trigger warning, unsure trying to avoid being moderated)
Hello reddit, Id like to start by saying I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and had started medicating properly as my main resort for self medication was consuming cannabis. Wether its important to mention I had a bad time on concerta but feeling somewhat alot better on vyvanse. I suspect I could be autistic for a few reasons being, that my personal interests feel extremely personal rather than being just something I enjoy, they are apart of my identity completely off the image I have of myself mentally, I consistently feel a strong difference between me and everyone else, feeling extremely disconnected from the world, which inturn makes me feel quite lonely, and over all the past 3 years my mental health has declined a fair amount, Im not happy unless im stoned or on meds.
I recently after taking vyvanse feel like my mask is gone completely and in moments where i feel like I need to I cant, And I feel more firm and confident in my emotions, which I feel has made my meltdowns worse, instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself I feel rage and an uncontrollable urge to punch and hit things. And overall I suffer with anxiety, especially in social circumstances, but yet I really want to be social. Im generally just struggling at my point in life as im 19, and Idk whats wrong with me, and I really just wish I was never born, and im extremely critical of myself and im unsure if im also just dealing with trauma, relating around being intelligent but not being able to ever prove it or apply myself.
Im mainly asking for advice surrounding dealing with this, and providing sources that could help me understand myself better before persuing a diagnosis, and I feel generally I relate better to audhd people, than just adhd people. And really how to deal with the constant feeling of depression because Where i stand now I dont think its ever going to go away, and I sometimes just feel mentally unstable and way too volatile. Sorry if I have broken any rules idk where to go anymore.