r/AuDHDMen

I've been contemplating why in my life I have felt that I have been constantly drowning for as long as I remember. I realized that a lot of my life has followed the same pattern.

I used Chatgpt to create a distillation of the pattern and why it happens. I hope this helps someone to understand themselves better.

"Expectations exceed sustainable capacity → I overcompensate to meet them → I succeed temporarily → that temporary performance becomes the new expectation → I eventually can’t sustain it → I feel like I failed. (And eventually end up with Autistic Burn Out)

The trap is that people often judge your capacity by what you can do at maximum effort, while you have to live according to what you can do reliably, repeatedly, without burning yourself out. So every time you push past your limits to avoid disappointing someone, you may accidentally teach them that your emergency output is your normal capacity.

That also explains why some of us spend so much time explaining our limitations. We’re not always trying to make excuses. Sometimes we’re desperately trying to negotiate expectations down to a level we can actually sustain, because we already know what happens when everyone builds their expectations around the version of us that can only exist temporarily."

Hello everyone! I am a little worried about something, and I was hoping to get some advice, because I don't know what to do.

I have an older brother with autism and ADHD. Let's call him Edward. I have autism myself, but not adhd. Thing is, Edward has spent the past ten or so years of his life in college, studying architecture. To put it into context, I begun college myself later than he did (cuz I'm younger) and I still graduated before he did.

Mind you, he didn't know he was neurodivergent when he started out. Thing is, he can't focus. He's spent the past two or three years trying to finish his master, which apparently he needs in order to become a proper architect, but he can't. He feels like he's wasted his whole life. He's sooo exhausted. Bone deep, depressing exhaustion. Me and my parents have suggested he just drop it, but he says he's so close every time, and every time he never finishes in time and it adds another month, another year. He feels like if he dropped it now, after everything he's done, it would confirm he's wasted all of those years, that it would be for nothing, and he's not sure he can stand it.

But clinging on to this has obviously started to affect his mental health. He's going to a psychologist, but honestly, it doesn't seem to be helping him much. He complains it's such a neverending chore, that he's so demotivated, burned out and tired, but he won't stop. He says he can't stop.

He gets very upset when we suggest he leave it. I feel like we can't convince him to stop. And I know he feels worse every year because everyone around him has long since finished, found jobs, etc.

As his younger sister, I want to help him so badly, but I don't know how. I wanted to ask, did anyone go through the same? Do you have any tips to get things done? Should he drop it or keep going? Anything you can tell me helps. Thank you so much.

Idk if this is the right place for this post but maybe someone in here can understand how I think. Diagnosed AuDHD recently. Always felt different growing up. Raised Mormon, left 10 years ago. Divorced 2024, got back together, moved out where she was and now we are splitting again. Finding it very difficult to set healthy boundaries for myself. I know anyone from the outside would say I'm dillusional, that I'm wasting my time. Still are friends, probably will always be, but we are living together for the next year before we split to save up and there's just a lot of history between us. Never fought, never really had anything bad, just grew apart I guess?

Anyways, I'm not religious anymore. Have always had a hard time making friends. I'm 28, no kids, nor do I have the desire to have any. Struggling to think there will be anyone out there that may be different than women typically seen on social media. Not a fan of social media myself, hardly ever post on it and hardly ever post to anything actually. I get in these loops, and perhaps I need to talk with more people, but these loops of feeling like there will never be anyone who also doesn't want kids, that isn't religious, that also holds a similar view on relationships I do. I guess maybe I'm different than most guys and what seems to be women too. I don't sleep around a bunch. Never has been my vibe. I've always been a long term committed kind of guy. Even through college, never slept around. Some would say I probably missed out, but just wasn't my vibe.

Anyway, guess just feeling different than most everyone I interact with at jobs, social events when I do go to some, and just the overall feeling that everyone is just turning to social media for things, that women have 100 men easy at their fingertips, waiting to move on. The feeling no one wants the long term, ride or die kind of relationship. Maybe that idea is dillusional?

Idk, anyone ever feel anything similar, if so, advice or what have you done to get past it? In therapy currently, but not really making a lot of progress. Therapist is also AuDHD.