u/redditrando123

I've been contemplating why in my life I have felt that I have been constantly drowning for as long as I remember. I realized that a lot of my life has followed the same pattern.

I used Chatgpt to create a distillation of the pattern and why it happens. I hope this helps someone to understand themselves better.

"Expectations exceed sustainable capacity → I overcompensate to meet them → I succeed temporarily → that temporary performance becomes the new expectation → I eventually can’t sustain it → I feel like I failed. (And eventually end up with Autistic Burn Out)

The trap is that people often judge your capacity by what you can do at maximum effort, while you have to live according to what you can do reliably, repeatedly, without burning yourself out. So every time you push past your limits to avoid disappointing someone, you may accidentally teach them that your emergency output is your normal capacity.

That also explains why some of us spend so much time explaining our limitations. We’re not always trying to make excuses. Sometimes we’re desperately trying to negotiate expectations down to a level we can actually sustain, because we already know what happens when everyone builds their expectations around the version of us that can only exist temporarily."

Looking for something kind of dark and sinister to listen to? If so "Ultra Menace" might be the right track for you!

I just found this short video that has explained burnout better than I've heard anyone else explain it. I hope this helps someone!

"TW: therapy, depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, chronic illness"

So I met my my therapist for the 2nd time recently and I asked her what a resonable amount of time to make progress would be?

She said I probably wouldn't notice any improvements for THE FIRST YEAR!

It seems to me that is an unacceptablely long time for results. I don't expect therapy to fix me completely in a year of course, but I dunno, I figured It was reasonable to makea really good dent with tangible results it say 3 months.

She also said that I could only expect a 2% improvement every 3 months in my progress.

****So here is my question.....should I get a different therapist, or is a going a full year to get even a minimal progress amount considered normal and to be expected?

Futher Context below....but you can skip if you don't want to read.

I have Depression, Anxiety, Adhd, Autism, OCD, PTSD, Insomnia and Chronic Pain to name some of my conditions. I cannot work because of my current health conditions.

I don't expect a therapist to be able to solve all of these, in a short timeframe, but rather I am looking for learning some better coping skills and for life to not be so unbearably crushing.

I am willing to do the work of therapy and educate myself, and do the home excercises etc. I am having weekly sessions.

Any advice or personal experiences regarding this would be greatly appreciated!

So I am just getting to the point where I am seriously trying to get a handle on my ADHD and Learning about my Autism.

I have just started therapy again and am not finding it useful, but I don't have enough time in it to make a conclusive descision.

In the past I did therapy for a whole year and found it was an utter waste of time. (Some of that was my fault for sure and Some was that the therapist was not super knowledgeable or helpful either.

I know there are multiple kinds and want to know what worked for people like me and why?

Any mindshifts you made to be more accepting of therapy would be helpful as well

*** Update there have been so many very helpful and useful comments. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has participated. I value you all! It is so nice to find such a helpful community!!!

Title: What kinds of jobs work with autism, ADHD, chronic pain, migraines, and sensory issues?

I recently found out I’m autistic. I’ve known I have ADHD for about five years, and I’m in my mid-30s.

About two years ago, I was rear-ended in a car accident and severely injured my neck and back. I’ve also been dealing with migraines since then. Because of the pain, injuries, and poor sleep, I haven’t been able to work for around two years.

Financially, I need to find some kind of part-time work so I can stay afloat. Disability would only be around $1,600 a month, which would barely cover my mortgage. The problem is that I honestly don’t know what kind of work I can realistically do with my limitations.

Some of the things I struggle with:

Neck and back pain

Migraines

Poor sleep

Light sensitivity, especially indoors

Sound sensitivity, mostly high-pitched sounds

ADHD-related organization/task-switching issues

Autism-related sensory overload

OCD/germaphobia, so healthcare or high-germ environments probably would not work for me

I’ve worked since I was young, mostly in physical labor jobs like construction, and I also have experience operating heavy equipment, which I really enjoy. However, the physical strain and the constant bouncing and vibration from equipment are no longer something my back can tolerate.

I’m still dealing with medical treatment and possible surgeries, so I’m focusing on planning ahead and figuring out what kinds of work might be realistic for me once I’m able to return in some capacity.

Has anyone here found work that fits with similar limitations? Part-time, remote, quiet environments, flexible schedules, low physical demand, anything like that? I’d really appreciate hearing what has worked for other people, even if it’s just ideas or personal experience.

This has been a very hard transition, and I feel pretty lost

.

TL;DR: Late-realized autism, ADHD, chronic pain, burnout, and not knowing where I fit anymore

​

Note, I did cross post this this to another autistic community as well.

​

I’m not really the type of person who likes making myself vulnerable online, but I’ve read through a bunch of the posts in this forum, and it seems like people are pretty supportive and will still respond even to long posts. So I figured I might just give it a shot posting here.

​

Also, sorry in advance for the word vomit and huge wall of text. I know this is long, but I feel like the context matters. I honestly don’t know how to make it much shorter without cutting out details that feel important to my story.

​

I’m an adult male, and I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life. More recently, for the first time in my life, I actually looked up autism symptoms and started realizing how much of it sounded like me. My doctor also gave me a screening test for autism, and judging by the results, I most certainly am autistic. I’m in the process of getting more professional help/evaluation, so I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I’m more looking for lived experience from people who understand autism, ADHD, burnout, chronic pain, work collapse, and having to rethink your entire life.

​

The autism piece does bring a lot of clarity to my life and my experiences. However, at the same time, it feels like it is crushing me. I know technically nothing has changed. If I’m autistic, then I’ve always been autistic. But finally seeing it clearly also makes everything feel heavier and more overwhelming in a way I didn’t expect.

​

For my entire adult life, I’ve worked physically demanding jobs because those were the jobs I felt like I could actually do. They were physical, they kept me moving, and a lot of the time I could work by myself. I could use my hands, solve practical problems, push through, and figure things out in the moment.

​

I have made a couple attempts at desk-work type jobs, especially after previous injuries, and sitting at a desk absolutely drained my soul. I don’t mean that dramatically. I just could not do it. The organizational side of it was brutal, but so was the executive functioning part: switching between a million small administrative tasks, keeping track of details, answering phones, dealing with vague instructions, and trying to focus while sitting under bright lights with people talking around me.

​

Every time I have worked a job like that, I eventually had to quit because I just could not stay organized and I got too far behind, even though I wanted to make it work. I also struggle with typing because of some nerve issues, although I have learned to use voice-to-text to get around that somewhat. So maybe that specific piece is workable, but the bigger issue is still the office environment, the sitting, the organization, the sensory load, and the constant task-switching.

​

A few years ago, I had nearly a dozen major surgeries and was unable to work for a couple of years while I went through all of that and tried to get back on my feet. Even then, my doctors considered me disabled and told me I probably should not go back to the kind of work I was doing. But I forced myself back anyway because that is what I knew how to do. I toughed it out for a number of years, but then a couple years ago I was rear-ended by a truck, and it basically forced me to spiral again. Unfortunately, that accident made me have to quit my job because I couldn’t take it physically anymore.

​

Because of the wreck, I’ve had more neck and back problems, migraines/headaches, chronic pain, sleep problems, and pain that affects almost everything. Sitting, driving, sleeping, working, concentrating, and just existing are all harder now. The reason I’m bringing up these specific symptoms is for context. I know there are people who have worse things in life than I do, but I feel like all of these symptoms are a huge reason why I feel so stuck and burned out.

​

Part of the worst part is that I feel like my personality is built for action and physical work, but my body has been betrayed and broken, and now I can’t do those jobs anymore. And honestly, even when I could do physical jobs, I already had a hard time with them. I was expected to work at a fast pace, push through pain, communicate with bosses who did not understand me, and somehow keep up with everything. I was never wildly successful, but at least I could survive. At least I could make it. Now I feel like I can’t even do that.

​

Working with my hands and being physical was also one of the main ways I dealt with anxiety and self-regulated. It gave me somewhere to put all that energy. But now, because of all the health issues, I can’t even exercise, barely move around, or work physically like that anymore. So it feels like I didn’t just lose a job path. I lost one of my main coping mechanisms.

​

Physically, due to all my back and neck injuries and other health issues, I just can’t do a physical job anymore like I used to, which absolutely crushes me. At the same time, I can’t even see how I can do an office job or something like that either, because I feel like it destroys me mentally. There are always bright office lights, noisy environments, sitting too long, constant task-switching, and trying to function while in pain. It just feels impossible.

​

I’m trying to go through the disability process, but in my state it can take nearly two years. So for the time being, I’m without income, and we’re trying to survive on just my wife’s income, which is not enough to pay all our bills. My temporary disability ran out, I’m not currently able to work, and I’m still paying over a thousand dollars a month from the surgeries I had a few years ago.

​

So I feel like I need to work, even though I can’t find a kind of work I can actually do. The financial pressure is real. I feel bad for not being able to pay bills, and I also feel bad for not being able to contribute to the housework the way I should.

​

That has been extremely difficult because a lot of my identity was wrapped up in being productive, being a hard worker, and being able to provide for my family. There were times I worked jobs that were 80-plus hours a week. Now there are days where my depression, burnout, exhaustion, and pain are so bad that I can barely get off the couch. Sometimes I’m thirsty and still can’t get up to get a glass of water because I feel so drained.

​

Recently, my depression has been overwhelming and crushing, and I think a lot of it comes from feeling trapped and useless. I know I’m not actually useless, but it is hard not to feel that way when the way you used to survive no longer works, and the “normal” options people suggest don’t seem to fit either.

​

I also definitely think I’m experiencing autistic burnout. My nervous system feels completely overloaded. I can barely handle my kids screaming, the TV going, my wife talking too loud, bright lights, noise, or just normal household chaos. I know that probably sounds dramatic to some people, but it feels like my system just hits a wall. I have to escape to another room, sit in the dark and quiet, and try to reset back to baseline.

​

It makes me feel like I can’t even exist properly sometimes. I don’t really know how else to explain it.

​

I am trying to work through my autism and ADHD as best I can. I still want to build a life. I still want to contribute. I still want to work in some way if I can. I just don’t know what that realistically looks like anymore.

​

I think that is the part I’m struggling with most, and this is where I’m hoping to get your feedback.

​

How do you rebuild when your old way of surviving was basically overworking, pushing through, and brute-forcing everything, but now your body and brain won’t let you do that anymore?

​

For people here who are autistic and ADHD and had to switch careers because of burnout, disability, chronic pain, or some similar reason:

​

What did you do?

​

How did you figure out what kind of work actually fit you?

​

Did you find something that gave you enough stimulation without destroying your body?

​

How do you deal with the depression and identity loss that comes from not being able to do what you used to do?

​

How do you explain this to people who care about you, but clearly don’t really understand it, and you can tell they are judging you or think you are being melodramatic?

​

Once again, I am not expecting anyone to fix my life. I think I’m mostly looking for people who know what this actually feels like, and hopefully some of you can share things that have worked for you.

​

Right now I just feel way too overwhelmed and hopeless, honestly. It is hard to feel like there are any positives around the situation or that things are going to get better. I look back and my whole life has been so difficult, and now I feel like I’m out of options.

​

I guess I’m just hoping someone here understands what I mean.

​

My sincerest thanks in advance to anyone reading my story and anyone who has any suggestions or advice. I appreciate all of you!

TL;DR: Late-realized autism, ADHD, chronic pain, burnout, and not knowing where I fit anymore

​

I’m not really the type of person who likes making myself vulnerable online, but I’ve read through a bunch of the posts in this forum, and it seems like people are pretty supportive and will still respond even to long posts. So I figured I might just give it a shot posting here.

​

Also, sorry in advance for the word vomit and huge wall of text. I know this is long, but I feel like the context matters. I honestly don’t know how to make it much shorter without cutting out details that feel important to my story.

​

I’m an adult male, and I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life. More recently, for the first time in my life, I actually looked up autism symptoms and started realizing how much of it sounded like me. My doctor also gave me a screening test for autism, and judging by the results, I most certainly am autistic. I’m in the process of getting more professional help/evaluation, so I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I’m more looking for lived experience from people who understand autism, ADHD, burnout, chronic pain, work collapse, and having to rethink your entire life.

​

The autism piece does bring a lot of clarity to my life and my experiences. However, at the same time, it feels like it is crushing me. I know technically nothing has changed. If I’m autistic, then I’ve always been autistic. But finally seeing it clearly also makes everything feel heavier and more overwhelming in a way I didn’t expect.

​

For my entire adult life, I’ve worked physically demanding jobs because those were the jobs I felt like I could actually do. They were physical, they kept me moving, and a lot of the time I could work by myself. I could use my hands, solve practical problems, push through, and figure things out in the moment.

​

I have made a couple attempts at desk-work type jobs, especially after previous injuries, and sitting at a desk absolutely drained my soul. I don’t mean that dramatically. I just could not do it. The organizational side of it was brutal, but so was the executive functioning part: switching between a million small administrative tasks, keeping track of details, answering phones, dealing with vague instructions, and trying to focus while sitting under bright lights with people talking around me.

​

Every time I have worked a job like that, I eventually had to quit because I just could not stay organized and I got too far behind, even though I wanted to make it work. I also struggle with typing because of some nerve issues, although I have learned to use voice-to-text to get around that somewhat. So maybe that specific piece is workable, but the bigger issue is still the office environment, the sitting, the organization, the sensory load, and the constant task-switching.

​

A few years ago, I had nearly a dozen major surgeries and was unable to work for a couple of years while I went through all of that and tried to get back on my feet. Even then, my doctors considered me disabled and told me I probably should not go back to the kind of work I was doing. But I forced myself back anyway because that is what I knew how to do. I toughed it out for a number of years, but then a couple years ago I was rear-ended by a truck, and it basically forced me to spiral again. Unfortunately, that accident made me have to quit my job because I couldn’t take it physically anymore.

​

Because of the wreck, I’ve had more neck and back problems, migraines/headaches, chronic pain, sleep problems, and pain that affects almost everything. Sitting, driving, sleeping, working, concentrating, and just existing are all harder now. The reason I’m bringing up these specific symptoms is for context. I know there are people who have worse things in life than I do, but I feel like all of these symptoms are a huge reason why I feel so stuck and burned out.

​

Part of the worst part is that I feel like my personality is built for action and physical work, but my body has been betrayed and broken, and now I can’t do those jobs anymore. And honestly, even when I could do physical jobs, I already had a hard time with them. I was expected to work at a fast pace, push through pain, communicate with bosses who did not understand me, and somehow keep up with everything. I was never wildly successful, but at least I could survive. At least I could make it. Now I feel like I can’t even do that.

​

Working with my hands and being physical was also one of the main ways I dealt with anxiety and self-regulated. It gave me somewhere to put all that energy. But now, because of all the health issues, I can’t even exercise, barely move around, or work physically like that anymore. So it feels like I didn’t just lose a job path. I lost one of my main coping mechanisms.

​

Physically, due to all my back and neck injuries and other health issues, I just can’t do a physical job anymore like I used to, which absolutely crushes me. At the same time, I can’t even see how I can do an office job or something like that either, because I feel like it destroys me mentally. There are always bright office lights, noisy environments, sitting too long, constant task-switching, and trying to function while in pain. It just feels impossible.

​

I’m trying to go through the disability process, but in my state it can take nearly two years. So for the time being, I’m without income, and we’re trying to survive on just my wife’s income, which is not enough to pay all our bills. My temporary disability ran out, I’m not currently able to work, and I’m still paying over a thousand dollars a month from the surgeries I had a few years ago.

​

So I feel like I need to work, even though I can’t find a kind of work I can actually do. The financial pressure is real. I feel bad for not being able to pay bills, and I also feel bad for not being able to contribute to the housework the way I should.

​

That has been extremely difficult because a lot of my identity was wrapped up in being productive, being a hard worker, and being able to provide for my family. There were times I worked jobs that were 80-plus hours a week. Now there are days where my depression, burnout, exhaustion, and pain are so bad that I can barely get off the couch. Sometimes I’m thirsty and still can’t get up to get a glass of water because I feel so drained.

​

Recently, my depression has been overwhelming and crushing, and I think a lot of it comes from feeling trapped and useless. I know I’m not actually useless, but it is hard not to feel that way when the way you used to survive no longer works, and the “normal” options people suggest don’t seem to fit either.

​

I also definitely think I’m experiencing autistic burnout. My nervous system feels completely overloaded. I can barely handle my kids screaming, the TV going, my wife talking too loud, bright lights, noise, or just normal household chaos. I know that probably sounds dramatic to some people, but it feels like my system just hits a wall. I have to escape to another room, sit in the dark and quiet, and try to reset back to baseline.

​

It makes me feel like I can’t even exist properly sometimes. I don’t really know how else to explain it.

​

I am trying to work through my autism and ADHD as best I can. I still want to build a life. I still want to contribute. I still want to work in some way if I can. I just don’t know what that realistically looks like anymore.

​

I think that is the part I’m struggling with most, and this is where I’m hoping to get your feedback.

​

How do you rebuild when your old way of surviving was basically overworking, pushing through, and brute-forcing everything, but now your body and brain won’t let you do that anymore?

​

For people here who are autistic and ADHD and had to switch careers because of burnout, disability, chronic pain, or some similar reason:

​

What did you do?

​

How did you figure out what kind of work actually fit you?

​

Did you find something that gave you enough stimulation without destroying your body?

​

How do you deal with the depression and identity loss that comes from not being able to do what you used to do?

​

How do you explain this to people who care about you, but clearly don’t really understand it, and you can tell they are judging you or think you are being melodramatic?

​

Once again, I am not expecting anyone to fix my life. I think I’m mostly looking for people who know what this actually feels like, and hopefully some of you can share things that have worked for you.

​

Right now I just feel way too overwhelmed and hopeless, honestly. It is hard to feel like there are any positives around the situation or that things are going to get better. I look back and my whole life has been so difficult, and now I feel like I’m out of options.

​

I guess I’m just hoping someone here understands what I mean.

​

If by some miracle you read my post and got to this point I sincerely want to say thank you and that I appreciate you!

​

​

Hey can anyone please help me with a prompt for a heavy aggressive Alt Rock/ Metal Voice?

Think Breaking Benjamin or Chevelle....I want a heavy angsty scream.

The problem is Suno always does this terrible vocal fry thing that sounds super strained like someone has been screaming for years and now lost their voice. It doesn't sound like a nice scream.

Can some one please give me some examples of successful screams on your track and what made it work!

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

There is an ache I cannot name,
Deep inside, a searing flame.

Not simple grief, not need for rest,
But something clawing at my chest.

I cannot sleep, I cannot wake,
Frozen here, no moves I make.

I want some wonder, sharp and bright,
To drag my mind back toward the light.

Everything feels out of tune,
Thoughts pour in like a monsoon.

Mind and body both afflicted,
In a state so conflicted.

Worries gnaw with a need to feed,
I’m too lost to name the thing I need.

In my head the words take shape,
But from my mouth, no words escape.

And when I try to make it plain,
The message drowns inside the pain.

I search for cures I cannot see,
And still can’t name what’s wrong with me.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

My body is a house of pain,
A prison built of nerve and vein.

I’d trade for new, if I knew how,
And leave this wreckage here right now.

Overstimulated, nerves are frayed,
Yet bored by every choice I’ve made.

Too full of noise to bear the day,
Too starved to turn the noise away.

My mind convulses, sick with doubt,
With poison it just can’t get out.

I need to sleep because I need the rest,
But sleep still leaves me just as stressed.

It steals life’s hours, but leaves the pain,
Eyes closed or not, the chains remain.

It fast-forwards my life away,
Yet gives no strength to face the day.

I jolt awake with thoughts unclear,
Eyes wide open and full of fear.

Luckless like…
a three-leafed clover,

The dream has passed, but it’s not over.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

My stomach churns with dread,
’Cause reality’s still worse than the nightmare in my head.

My will to change grows cold,
Yet I wonder why no growth takes hold.

Endless scrolling on my phone,
So connected, but so alone.

Every plan I start
Quickly falls apart.

How can I be excited for what’s in store,
If even small things drag me to the floor?

I want to laugh and mean the sound,
Not feel buried underground.

Cheerfulness feels thin and trite,
A sarcastic joke that won’t sit quite right.

People see me and think I’m putting on a show,
But I’m in more agony than they’ll ever know.

They fake concern, but I see the lies,
I see the judgment in their eyes.

I’m so tired of being discontent,
Withdrawing endless payments like my rent.

I count the things that I possess,
Then hate my own ungratefulness.

I should feel rich, I should feel blessed,
But instead feel tightness in my chest.

I want to change, but change feels locked
Behind a door my hands have knocked.

Knuckles worn down to bone,
Only to hear myself alone.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

I stay here for the ones I love,
And the Mighty One above.

But I am tired of borrowed will,
Trudging through, but standing still.

I want desire to live to be my own,
To guide me when I’m all alone.

Not duty dragging me through pain,
But fire inside my chest again.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

If I can’t even seem to cope,
How can I expect to believe in hope?

This is my prayer I send…
I hope I make it in the end.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

There is an ache I cannot name,
Deep inside, a searing flame.

Not simple grief, not need for rest,
But something clawing at my chest.

I cannot sleep, I cannot wake,
Frozen here, no moves I make.

I want some wonder, sharp and bright,
To drag my mind back toward the light.

Everything feels out of tune,
Thoughts pour in like a monsoon.

Mind and body both afflicted,
In a state so conflicted.

Worries gnaw with a need to feed,
I’m too lost to name the thing I need.

In my head the words take shape,
But from my mouth, no words escape.

And when I try to make it plain,
The message drowns inside the pain.

I search for cures I cannot see,
And still can’t name what’s wrong with me.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

My body is a house of pain,
A prison built of nerve and vein.

I’d trade for new, if I knew how,
And leave this wreckage here right now.

Overstimulated, nerves are frayed,
Yet bored by every choice I’ve made.

Too full of noise to bear the day,
Too starved to turn the noise away.

My mind convulses, sick with doubt,
With poison it just can’t get out.

I need to sleep because I need the rest,
But sleep still leaves me just as stressed.

It steals life’s hours, but leaves the pain,
Eyes closed or not, the chains remain.

It fast-forwards my life away,
Yet gives no strength to face the day.

I jolt awake with thoughts unclear,
Eyes wide open and full of fear.

Luckless like…
a three-leafed clover,

The dream has passed, but it’s not over.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

My stomach churns with dread,
’Cause reality’s still worse than the nightmare in my head.

My will to change grows cold,
Yet I wonder why no growth takes hold.

Endless scrolling on my phone,
So connected, but so alone.

Every plan I start
Quickly falls apart.

How can I be excited for what’s in store,
If even small things drag me to the floor?

I want to laugh and mean the sound,
Not feel buried underground.

Cheerfulness feels thin and trite,
A sarcastic joke that won’t sit quite right.

People see me and think I’m putting on a show,
But I’m in more agony than they’ll ever know.

They fake concern, but I see the lies,
I see the judgment in their eyes.

I’m so tired of being discontent,
Withdrawing endless payments like my rent.

I count the things that I possess,
Then hate my own ungratefulness.

I should feel rich, I should feel blessed,
But instead feel tightness in my chest.

I want to change, but change feels locked
Behind a door my hands have knocked.

Knuckles worn down to bone,
Only to hear myself alone.

When you’re so empty that tears won’t flow,
There’s nowhere left for grief to go.

Why does positivity feel so fake,
Like sprinkled frosting on a cake?

I do not think I love despair,
But something wakes and feeds me there.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

I stay here for the ones I love,
And the Mighty One above.

But I am tired of borrowed will,
Trudging through, but standing still.

I want desire to live to be my own,
To guide me when I’m all alone.

Not duty dragging me through pain,
But fire inside my chest again.

What am I searching for?
How do I end this war?

If I can’t even seem to cope,
How can I expect to believe in hope?

This is my prayer I send…
I hope I make it in the end.

Rocks were laid long before my flame,
Before I had height, before I had name,
Before your hull ever kissed the rain,
Before your course was a whispered aim.

They rose from the deep without decree,
Stone-set teeth in the salted sea,
Not placed by hand, not moved by me —
They simply were what they were to be.

Before I was built from iron and glass,
Before your compass was forged in brass,
They waited in tide and shadowed mass,
Silent beneath each ship that passed.

Your voyage was inked long after theirs,
Charts drawn thin with hopeful prayers,
But reefs don’t bend and stone don’t care —
They hold their ground. They are just there.

Then I was raised where the breakers cry,
Lantern lit to divide from sky,
Not judge the helm, not testify —
Only to stand where the dangers lie.

I do not steer and I do not chase,
I mark the edge of a given place,
My duty ends at the shoreline’s face —
The wheel is yours. The speed, your pace.

I cannot calm what the storm intends,
Cannot rewrite where the reef-line bends,
I show the hazard. The rest depends
On captains, charts, and chosen ends.

Stare too long and the glare will blind,
Brightness burns an impatient mind,
Lights a warning — not a sign
That fate itself has been aligned.

Your trip was planned while here I stood.
Here I remain, as a beacon should.
Check your chart. Read what you could.
I did my part. You chose the wood.

Some ships surge with a narrowed sight
Trust the glow over charts at night
Confuse the flare for flawless right
And mistake the burn for guiding light.

When the current took hold and the keel let go
Wood met stone in the undertow
My lights don’t move — they just let you know
Just as calm and still as the wrecks below

Unmoved above while your wreckage grew,
Silent and composed as losses accrued,
Fixed in my post as the splinters flew,
Collected like debts you swore weren’t due

My lens doesn't lie, but it bends the view
Sends a truth that depends on you
Every beam that I ever threw
Only showed you what – not how to pursue

I never dragged you across that reef
You steered so hard with blind belief
Steadfast I burned with no relief
While I cast a glow over your chosen grief

Ships don’t crash ‘cause the light’s too bright
They crash when they worship only sight
And the line you blurred as wrong or right
T'was your hand on the wheel that night.

Hull goes quiet — no more debate
My white glass eye never blinks nor waits
Whither it saves or it desecrates
It all depends on who navigates

-B.E.

The sky went black before the noon,
A bruised horizon, split too soon.
The swells climbed high in jagged crowns
And dragged the dying daylight down.

For years I’ve sailed for merchant’s trade,
By honest contracts freely made.
But this first charge of royal claim
Puts more than ledger to my name.

The debt my father left unpaid
Outweighed all freight I ever made.
The crown forgave — but not for free.
That debt was laid in full on me.

The cargo in my hold is slight —
A crown-born trifle wrapped in white.
To you it’s lacquer, lace, and thread,
To me it’s mercy — or my head.

The seal upon that lacquered chest
Bears royal mark upon its crest.
To gleam in halls I’ll never see,
Yet haunts the deck that carries me.

Delay is treason where kings reside,
Their patience thin, their mercy denied.
A storm may rage and a mast may break,
But courts forgive not the hours you take.

If I turn out, the gale will claim
My crew, my fame, my father’s name.
If I lie still to let it rage,
The sea will write my final page.

So I weighed the deep against the shoal,
The open darkness against control.
One promised death in endless swell,
One offered hazard — but hope as well.

The light broke through the bitter night,
A fixed, unwavering, distant white.
It split the dark from reef and swell,
But would not say which side was hell.

If I turn outward, the gale will win,
It claws the ribs and peels the skin.
If I lie idle and wait it through,
The sea will claim what the crown would too.

I saw the reef in broken rows,
Black teeth beneath the surge and throws.
One inch beyond the charted seam,
And hull and hope split down the beam.

The light burned steady along the shore,
Not promise — no — but something more.
A fixed white line through rain and foam,
A measured mark that whispered “home.”

Beyond the reef the harbor waits,
A guarded curve of granite gates.
A cut through rock no wider span —
Than hope allowed a drowning man.

A basin shielded from the fray,
Where timbered piers hold storm at bay.
The last reprieve before the gale
Could smash the timbers and split the sail.

No margin left for doubt or drift —
A narrow pass through rock and cliff.
The outer dark was closing fast,
The swells ran high, the die was cast.

The sea behind me roared its claim.
The shore before me burned the same.
I used the light to take my chance,
Between the reef and circumstance.

If I am wrecked upon that line,
Let it be said the fault was mine.
Not storm, nor crown, nor guiding light —
I chose my course against the night.

-BE

#########################################

If you missed it, here is the link to the first poem in this 3 part series. It is called "The Sentinel" https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetryFree/s/XEtQaVGMc6

Here is the link to the 3rd poem. It is called "Basalt" https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetryFree/s/WzwOlOJNzH

Rocks were laid long before my flame,
Before I had height, before I had name,
Before your hull ever kissed the rain,
Before your course was a whispered aim.

They rose from the deep without decree,
Stone-set teeth in the salted sea,
Not placed by hand, not moved by me —
They simply were what they were to be.

Before I was built from iron and glass,
Before your compass was forged in brass,
They waited in tide and shadowed mass,
Silent beneath each ship that passed.

Your voyage was inked long after theirs,
Charts drawn thin with hopeful prayers,
But reefs don’t bend and stone don’t care —
They hold their ground. They are just there.

Then I was raised where the breakers cry,
Lantern lit to divide from sky,
Not judge the helm, not testify —
Only to stand where the dangers lie.

I do not steer and I do not chase,
I mark the edge of a given place,
My duty ends at the shoreline’s face —
The wheel is yours. The speed, your pace.

I cannot calm what the storm intends,
Cannot rewrite where the reef-line bends,
I show the hazard. The rest depends
On captains, charts, and chosen ends.

Stare too long and the glare will blind,
Brightness burns an impatient mind,
Lights a warning — not a sign
That fate itself has been aligned.

Your trip was planned while here I stood.
Here I remain, as a beacon should.
Check your chart. Read what you could.
I did my part. You chose the wood.

Some ships surge with a narrowed sight,
Trust the glow over charts at night,
Confuse the flare for flawless right,
And mistake the burn for guiding light.

When the current took hold and the keel let go,
Wood met stone in the undertow,
My lights don’t move — they just let you know,
Just as calm and still as the wrecks below.

Unmoved above while your wreckage grew,
Silent and composed as losses accrued,
Fixed in my post as the splinters flew,
Collected like debts you swore weren’t due.

My lens doesn't lie, but it bends the view,
Sends a truth that depends on you,
Every beam that I ever threw
Only showed you what — not how to pursue.

I never dragged you across that reef,
You steered so hard with blind belief,
Steadfast I burned with no relief,
While I cast a glow over your chosen grief.

Ships don’t crash ‘cause the light’s too bright,
They crash when they worship only sight,
And the line you blurred as wrong or right —
It was your hand on the wheel that night.

Hull goes quiet — no more debate,
My white glass eye never blinks nor waits,
Whether it saves or desecrates,
It all depends on who navigates.

#########################################

Here is the 2nd poem in the Light House series It called the Helmsman. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetryFree/s/vZxJ2ml2bM

Here is the link to the final poem in the series. It is called "Basalt" https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetryFree/s/WzwOlOJNzH

I don't consider myself a poet and this is my first attempt at poetry. So I'm sure I don't have a proper structure but I hope someone enjoys the story.