u/annaisgood1125

I am not quite two months out from losing my love. Every day does get a tiny bit easier, but I am longing so badly for human touch and connection. I am the type of person that only likes physical touch from people I actually am connected to emotionally so getting a massage is not a way to fulfill that need.
One of my friends at work (different department) gives great hugs and we chit chat but it’s just not the same as going home and cuddling with my person. Another person at work was actually friends with my husband before I even knew him…and I’m so attracted to him it’s not even funny…but like…I can’t even get him to hang out as friends.
Idk just fucking lonely and sad and I want held.

My husband died 3 months after being diagnosed with liver cancer. I’m debating on whether or not to pursue legal action against the doctors because he’s been monitoring his liver for years and been told he had mild cirrhosis and fatty liver disease. When they found the tumor, first off they said how lucky we were to find it early because if we’d have waited 3 months he would be dead. Second, they wanted to immediately cut 60% of his liver out and didn’t even do a biopsy. At that point he should have been a candidate for radiation or a transplant because his cancer was within margins and he was healthy enough. They kept saying they couldn’t do that even though he was a universal receiver and I was willing to give up some of mine for him. They planned to do surgery, cancelled it because they found a polyp in his colon which ended up being unrelated to the liver, and then rescheduled. By the time the surgery was scheduled again, the tumor grew beyond transplant margins and it compressed his bile duct so bad his bilirubin skyrocketed and he had elevated White blood cell counts which pointed to some sort of infection. They mentioned there was necrotic tissue in his liver. they placed bile duct stents through his esophagus that didn’t work, then implanted three bile duct drains that also didn’t do anything and also put him through a liver biopsy at that point. They were also giving him IV dilaudid for pain for a week straight which I later found out is a drug processed by the liver. I also had to keep chasing down doctors who would not be honest with me about where his condition was at or what his treatment plan was. I had to call our primary care doctor to help me get answers from them which just seems so wrong.
They literally predicted his 90 day prognosis on day one and I feel like they purposefully didn’t do what they could or should have done for reasons I can’t figure out.
Idk. Am I an overreacting grieving spouse? Or is my gut feeling legitimate?

I am visiting my family out of state, and it’s my first trip without him here. I mean, I’ve traveled without him but not without being able to text throughout the day or call to say goodnight. I’ve been away for about a week and I’m starting to panic about going home to my empty apartment. He won’t be there to pick me up from the airport, or welcome me home with a hug and a kiss and I missed you sex. Why the hell is this my life now. 6 years together was not long enough.

It’s been 5 days. I just signed the paperwork today for his cremation and death certificate. My heart is absolutely broken, all I can think about is how badly I want to be held, to be loved again. Will anyone love me and will I be able to love again?
I’ve also had dreams every night since his death about having sex with multiple people I know. What is that about?!
I’m angry, in disbelief, sad, broken, every word you can think of in relation to this. I also want to sue the crap out of his doctors because it feels like they did nothing to help him.
I’m a mess. Please tell me it gets better.
Edit: I’m 28. Just at the beginning of my life where things should be so good.

I’m unfortunately new here. I’m 28 and lost my husband to a short 3 month liver cancer battle last week.
I’m trying to keep myself from spiraling so I thought maybe I could find some people here who understand my pain.