u/anonymous_moose_

You removed the playlist you made for me. The playlist you made for your previous ex is still up. Cool!

I believe now that you used me. You used me to see what it would feel like to say "I love you so much" again.

Was I a trial run?

Were you roleplaying love?

How did you go so quickly from "I was thinking about how much I love you all day today, and it made me feel so happy" to "I realized I'm not happy."

Were you gaslighting yourself?

Was the love you expressed real?

I thought it was.

Am I an idiot?

You must have blocked me. My calls go straight to voicemail. I called the other night to ask if you would want to pick me up from the airport. I called partially out of convenience, I know you live in the area and have a car, and also out of interest in seeing if we could maybe establish some sort of friendship. Or at the very least, a mutual understanding. Even if we don’t want the same things, I would have appreciated a conversation instead of being left in the dark. An adult, vulnerable, honest talk about what happened a few weeks ago. But instead - it seems like I’ve been blocked.

I wonder what it was exactly about the last message I sent you that made you want to block me. It is disheartening that instead of any sort of response, you choose to cut me out. I know it says more about you than me, so I don’t take it personal. It’s not surprising, but still disappointing. It’s partially my fault for still holding onto the idea of potential. 

Anyway, I do not think favorably of you. If this is where you’re at - jumping back into my life with such intensity and fondness for a quick moment, just to turn into a ghost again and avoid conversation - then I have no interest. I don’t know if you feel guilty or whatever, but in my eyes you’re being a selfish coward.

So please, keep the distance. Do NOT hit me up for a one-night stand. Do NOT hit me up when you’re feeling lonely, or when your other “nobody specials” are busy. I won’t entertain it. 

I am not another option.

I am not a back-up plan.

I am not your temporary source of relief and comfort. 

If that’s what you’re looking for, seek it out elsewhere. 

And seek it far away from me. 

You don’t have me anymore.

Okay. If that’s where you’re at, that’s where you’re at. Thank you for being transparent with me.

I will be transparent with you: 

I am not just another option.

I am not a back-up plan. 

I am not a temporary source of relief and comfort. 

If that is what you’re looking for, you can seek it out elsewhere. 

At the same time, I would be happy to welcome you back into my life - in a real sense - slowly, carefully, and with the intention of forming a new, stronger relationship.

If that’s not what feels right for you though, I wish you the best with your new apartment and new job. Take care of yourself.

Okay. If that’s where you’re at, that’s where you’re at. Thank you for being transparent with me.

I will be transparent with you: 

I am not just another option.

I am not a back-up plan. 

I am not a temporary source of relief and comfort. 

If that is what you’re looking for, you can seek it out elsewhere. 

At the same time, I would be happy to welcome you back into my life - in a real sense - slowly, carefully, and with the intention of forming a new, stronger relationship.

If that’s not what feels right for you though, I wish you the best with your new apartment and new job. Take care of yourself.

This is crass.

But I can’t stop thinking about the way we made love.

You said I was the best you had.

You were the best I had.

I miss feeling you so deeply and watching you with your mouth agape. The sounds you made, the sounds you drew out of me, the way you buried your face into the pillow, the way you pinned your eyes on mine.

I never felt so close to anybody before.

Remember the time we had sex, and you got up to use the bathroom, and I followed you - and you didn’t even make it out the bedroom. I fucked you from behind, against the wall, and we watched ourselves in the body mirror. I said “look how pretty you are”. I grabbed your chest and you leaned yourself into me.

We were relentless.

It’s been months without that raw passion. I admit I usually touch myself at least once in the day thinking about you.

I know you‘re the best I’ve had - maybe the best I ever will have.

It’s not because it was particularly acrobatic, or daring. It’s because of the bond I felt with you. It wasn’t just sex - it was love making. Every time we made love, we hardly broke eye contact. Every time I finished inside of you, and every time I made you finish - we were looking right into each other.

You were perfect. You were my dream. I told you so.

I’ve always struggled with being present in the moment, and that’s where our love suffered at large. But in those moments of intimacy, I bore my soul - and I saw your soul too. It almost makes me want to cry thinking about how beautiful it was. And for such a brief time, too. It seemed every time we did it, it somehow was better and better.

Ultimately though, we came to an end. I understand now that it was an inevitability.

I do admit though - not only do I still fantasize about our sexual chemistry - but I yearn for the possibility of extending that chemistry to our love as a whole. I failed you, and us, because I did not show up in the moments where it mattered most. I’ve learned the cost of this over and over again. With your departure though - the lesson finally broke through.

I catch myself wondering, what if I was brave enough to bare my soul to you indefinitely?

I have a feeling we would be unstoppable.

In the meantime - I’m afraid you may have ruined sex for me. Sure it’s fun.

But it’s not you.

In this waiting period, I’m left wondering, where is your character?

Are you a person of your word? You said you would get back to me, so - will you? How long will you keep me waiting?

Where is your bravery, where is your vulnerability - where is your character?

Do you have any? Is my perception of you an illusion? I hope not.

You do what you have to do. And, I hope you don’t make me wait forever. I’ve already asked you once, you know where I stand and what I have to give to you - please don’t make me ask again.

Do you respect me? Do you consider me? I am choosing to lead with love every day, as I make the choice to wait for you. It is deeply uncomfortable, but I choose to tolerate the discomfort instead of push you away by pulling too hard. You say you will get back to me, so I am taking your word for it. I am putting forward trust and patience.

I give you the benefit of the doubt because I love you.

Please don’t make me regret that.

You said you had some things to say too. You said you’d get back to me on a time. Well? It’s been two weeks.

I’ve stopped myself many times from texting to check in. Because I don’t want to force anything. Love is patient - love is trusting. And I love you.

I will say - it does hurt that you haven’t reached out yet. Each day passes and I hope to hear from you - and I don’t.

Do you ever think about me?

Do you even realize that I am waiting for you?

Please don’t make me wait forever.

You said you had some things to say too. You said you’d get back to me on a time. Well? It’s been two weeks.

I’ve stopped myself many times from texting to check in. Because I don’t want to force anything. Love is patient - love is trusting. And I love you.

I will say - it does hurt that you haven’t reached out yet. Each day passes and I hope to hear from you - and I don’t.

Do you ever think about me?

Do you even realize that I am waiting for you?

Please don’t make me wait forever.

I read our old texts. Emotional self harm. Not long before you jumped ship with no notice, no conversation, and barely an explanation, you were saying to me

”I love you so much”

“It’s Us vs The Problem”

“I feel so close to you”

How???? why???? What!!????

How do you just TURN IT OFF?

Did you mean anything you said to me????

You hurt me bad

I don’t understand how you go from loving me to leaving me so QUICKLY

Where did your heart go????

WHO ARE YOU?

Did I ever really know you???

I’ve said so many words

I‘ve written at great length about the depth of my feelings for you

All I can muster anymore is:

I miss you, please come back.

My days are full

I’m building myself

I’m surrounded by loved ones

My future is bright

And yet - you are missing from my life

All of the beautiful things that I’m lucky to know, become tinged with a bittersweet dark blue hue, when I can’t share them with you

Your absence digs a hole from my chest every morning I wake up and remember you’re not here

I have so much love in my heart for you

It has nowhere to go

It just bounces back and forth - desperate to be received by you

Won’t you accept it?

I say again

I miss you

Please come back

Just for the record 

Hearts are not playthings 

People are fragile 

I don’t think you are a bad person 

But christ can you be thoughtless 

Well… here’s everything I held back.

In three words: I miss you. 

I think about you in quiet moments: sipping my morning coffee, doing the dishes, driving to work, making dinner, drifting off to sleep. I think about what you might say, or what your presence might feel like in those moments. It gives me a warm feeling.

I often wonder if you miss me. 

I feel that you have a deep heart. I feel that you are capable of giving so much love, and receiving a lot of pain. This makes love tricky - when you love someone, sometimes the magnitude of the feeling can be scary.

At least - this is how I am.

I understand why you did what you did. The way we were, the way I was - we had to end. If it wasn’t then, we were bound to fall at another point. The foundation of the structure was not solid, and you were aware enough and brave enough to have it demolished before it caved in on its own.

I have been made aware of things I cannot ignore anymore.

I never wanted enmeshment. Our individual souls are too beautiful and diverse to be lost in each other. The truth is, despite the dynamic I helped create, I never needed you. And I never will need you - I have everything I need within me. In the same vein, I never wanted you to need me either. Of course, I would do everything in my power to be everything you ask of me. To be a solid foundation in the individual moments that you would need me. To fulfill that role in your life would be a great honor. But I don’t want you to need me. 

Because the best love is when love exceeds the need for one another. I don’t need you - I want you, Blythe. I could always keep looking, but I don’t want to. I have found you. And I would choose you every day.

Nevertheless, since then, you speak to me as if you have no remaining feelings for me. Despite everything, I am hopeful that this is not true. If it is, this entire letter is moot. 

But if you do still feel something for me - I also understand why you have maintained a distance. You are protecting yourself and your heart. Besides, why should you want to return to the pile of rubble we’ve become?

But again, I still have hope that you will return. I am hopeful that you also felt our love was special - too special to let fade so suddenly. And so I am still here, waiting for you. Because I know, that out of the rubble, we could build something so much stronger. It would be difficult, but you are worth every ounce of effort.

Our end was inevitable.

But what of a new beginning?

It is up to you if you think I deserve the privilege of your love again. If you decide not to return, I will be sad, but I will accept it and let you go. Truly. There will be no more letters. I will be out of your life if it is what you want. 

I would only ever want you to return of your own volition. And, if you find yourself holding back out of fear - know that I am scared too. Very much so. But my love for you makes me want to be brave.

I know that our bond was real, and I have hope in my heart that you still feel for me. I of course, still feel for you. I have learned the great pain of not having you in my life. How I dream of fostering a strong, steady, and deep love with you.

I know what love is. It is maybe 10% big, grand gestures, such as this letter. And the rest is: consistency. Presence. Little, constant acts. Continuous effort. I can’t say it enough - you are worth it. I have a lot of love in my heart. I want to give it to you. 

We could take it slow. Build piece by piece, day by day. No rush, no expectations, no obligations. Just what feels right. 

I really want to know you - all of you. And I want you to know all of me. I want to see the good, bad, ugly. It feels like we only just began. I’ve seen you upset, hungry, frustrated, shutting down, and breaking down. None of it phased me. I want to see it all. I want to witness, embrace, and celebrate all of what you are. You are beautiful to me. The more I learned about you, the more beautiful you became. 

I am a drifter, too. It has been hard for me to make any one heart my home. But I want to have a home in your heart. I have made up my mind about you. I would promise to you loyalty, devotion, companionship, and undying effort. I want to be on a team with you. 

Think of what we could build. 

Think of the music we could make. 

I never stopped loving you. 

I know that I didn’t meet you in the moment. 

This continues to be one of my biggest regrets.

What do you say?

I am here now.

Will you meet me in this moment?

Whatever. You were nothing to me. Just a quirky sidequest. Thanks for the fun. You were just someone to fill my bed. You never entered my heart.

And typing this … I know it’s a lie. I tried it out. But I thought of you, to see if any of this rang true - and goddammit. I smiled. Because I remembered how much I adore you.

You absolutely entered my heart. And even though you left… you're still there.

I miss you so much.

I know that you miss me.

I know, despite what some of your actions and words convey, that you are not unfeeling. In fact, I know just how much you feel.

You have a deep heart - capable of giving so much love, and receiving so much pain.

I am the same.

I know that we had to end. If it wasn’t then, we were bound to fall at another point. The foundation of the structure was not solid, and you were aware enough and brave enough to have it demolished before it caved in on its own.

As painful as it was, I understand why you did what you did.

And now, you act like you have no feelings at all.

Again, I understand why. Why should you want to return to the pile of rubble we’ve become?

But I feel that you want to return. I am hopeful that you felt our love was special. Too special to let fade so suddenly. And I am still here, waiting for you. Because I know, that out of the rubble, we can build something so much stronger. It would be difficult, but you are worth every ounce of effort and devotion.

Our end was inevitable.

But what of a new beginning?

I would only ever want you to return of your own volition. And, if you find you are holding back out of fear - know that I am scared too. Very much so. But my love for you makes me want to be brave.

I know that our love was real, and I have hope in my heart that you still feel strongly for me. I of course, still feel strongly for you. I have learned the great pain of not having you in my life. How I dream of fostering a strong, steady, and deep love with you.

I know that I didn’t meet you in the moment. This continues to be the biggest regret of my life.

What do you say?

I am here now.

Will you meet me in this moment?