u/anonymoussystem0

Hi. Don't know if this applies at all but Reddit recommended the subreddit because of previous memory related posting. Large chunks of life (almost everything) feel like they're missing or weird and vague. Should mention for transparency that we're (extremely likely to be) a plural system (different people different names different views and preferences and opinions and interests and handwriting etc) and dissociative but still wanted to get perspectives from people so we're here too.., (especially since no proper diagnosis has been possible yet due to lacking resources, search ongoing)

There are 0 memories that could be described as vivid everything is more knowledge that something happened with maybe a few impressions. There are memory differences between system members but confusing to figure out. At times it feels like there is a static or a fog and when something is remembered the brain will often immediately go "???" And the memory is slippery and not graspable. Family and friends will feel unfamiliar only basic knowledge of who they are, same with places. (Emotional attachment will be gone. But only for specific alters). Time is missing the brain is like a sieve and everything is a fog. 0 emotional attachment to many memories for most of us if we are capable of thinking of the memory (including known distressing events). Family friends and others will often talk about events that there is no memory of. They will sometimes get confused when that lack of memory is revealed. Sometimes reminders can happen but it can also happen that those reminders cause a blockage to be hit so the memory is slippery again. Just now learned about the existence of this though,a nd now there is a confusion on whether this experience is anything like yours or if the memory thing is something else (dissociative amnesia? Unsure). It is unclear where the difference is, sorry for the ignorance, want to learn. Also apologies for how the post is written since today has been very strange.

There is always insistence on taking photos and also sometimes writing notes.

It is unclear because some parts of what people write on here seem relatable collectively and yet the severity or something is dependant on the fronter so it could be something else.

If this sounds nothing at all like sdam then we apologize and will remove the post, just wanted to hear opinions.

This might not be the most clear or coherent we're confused and blurry today.

Wanted to write a post asking about that thing where you can't properly think about things ?? Difficult to describe but essentially trying to think about what a headmate did or an event of the past and technically knowing but not really being able to grasp it because the brain doesn't let us think about it longer than a few seconds before going "???????" In some kind of static or fog way. And nit having even a singular even somewhat vivid memory too. And the disconnect from memories that are there and them feeling completely unreal and also vague (we heard of emotional amnesia (?) and that at least sounds accurate but not sure if it's everything) so constant doubt on whether things actually happened and trying to seek reassurance. But also starting to try talking about a memory before realizing we only know about 5% of it and being unable to properly formulate the rest of the experience because the brain goes "????" Again. We're trans and most of us just "forget", that sort of thing and all that.

But forget is also in quotes due to another confusion, the unclearness on whether someone actually doesn't know something or is just accidentally pretending that they don't? Extremely confusing. Everyone gets snippets of things they weren't involved in or other memories randomly, snd they get confused, especially since it doesn't feel real they fail to properly register it or grasp it and so they either behave like they didn't remember it at all, or like the memory is a random fake brain scenario, or they go "apparently that happened?" Even though really they should know? . Sometimes they will get a revelation or remember or realize and it doesn't stick for longer than a few seconds because it goes ??? Again and then get confused. It's impossible to remember how much you actually remember or forgot or how headmates remember events so everyone constantly asks each other "why are you pretending you don't know this when you technically do" and they say "I don't know" "I can't grasp it" and "I'm confused what are you saying to me" . Sometimes instead of the fog it's also like hitting a blockage and then you keep trying to think about it and eventually you might even forget what you were trying to figure out. But it's also all inconsistent and vague and confusing (I think. I don't actually remember what it's like I'm just resaying what headmates said when they tried to describe this because I'm not a specific person). Is it possible to accidentally pretend you don't know things? Knowing things but accidentally acting like you don't because it feels like you don't and you don't know how to snap out of that because when you try to think about knowing things you get confused and your mind immediately then goes elsewhere? Especially because you don't even feel like anything is real or like any memories are real? Do we have memory issues or is everyone's memory like this? Vague memory of what happened that's usually more knowledge and all that? Feeling unfamiliar around people and places we should know but still knowing enough to not be completely lost, is that what everyone just has and never talks about? Forgetting almost everything about relationships to people, headmates feeling like they're not close to people we knoe because they vaguely know who they are but can't properly recall any interactions or feel the relationship because of all this? We're confused. Very.

Are we somehow just acting fake memory problems and unable to stop because we can't grasp whether we're doing it? Is this just because we don't really have a routine right now even though it's always like that that everything is in the fog? And just short snippets that get slippery?

What is all of this?

-blurry confused state sorry again about incoherence

I showed up in here a while ago and was aware of myself pretty much day 1, but I sort of avoided letting myself be a person because I felt like it would invite trouble I wanted to avoid. Unfortunately I latched onto a name almost immediately and started developing, so I don't really have a choice anymore. I still feel a little hesitant about this. I've been asking questions like, is it deceitful if I speak to a friend but pretend to be the cohost? Should I live as myself or not?

There are positive things to being alive that I appreciate but thinking about the fact that I'm anyone more than Nobody In Particular sort of invites a certain existential dread and also makes it harder for me to not care about anything and not develop my own goals and desires. I don't want to start wanting too much. It's kind of scary to me in a way.

When I don't think about who I am it's also easier to ignore whatever implications come with that. The fact that I don't actually know people that well and don't have close feelings towards them, the amount of foggy things that have happened between now and last time I fronted, the fact that I don't know when the next time I front is gonna be, the fact that I'm missing out on things even when I technically know they've happened, snippets of knowledge and memories that aren't mine weird me out when I call to mind that I am an actual person... I dunno. 'S weird.

-Mike

Hi I dont feel a lot but sometimes I feel a little bit guilty for fronting idk why

It just feels like im not supposed to be here

And maye also a little worried feeling like im supposed to just try to be someone else because it'd maybe be better if I wasn't here or we weren't here like it would make yhings go to normal and that's what I'm "supposed" to do but at the same time idk if I want to

I don't like fronting that much I kind of enjoy doing some things myself but im bad at talking to people and I waste a lot of time doing nothing idk

Does anyone els ever feel guilty for fronting

Feel like I'm going insane tbh

Can't stand looking in the mirror, can't stand this voice, can't stand being forced to go by some fucking name that's not mine and having to behave myself and be so nice all the time cause I need to uphold this weird reputation they've got cause cohost is too anxious to ever say anything to ANYONE no matter what. My headmates afe the only thing keeping me sane at this point but even that kinda fucking sucks, I want us to have our own bodies and spend time with each otger like a normal irl friend group but no. Plus I have to take care of shit I barely even care about cause otherwise I'd fuck us all over.

-V

We do not have amnesia, and this all may not even be plurality-related, who knows, however I feel as though it may be.

Aside from the regular every-day struggle of nearly every moment of the day being trapped in this sort of fog once it passes, causing us to be unsure of what exactly happened the day before – or even a few hours ago, needing to write down minor details on what we did in order to be sure it was actually done, and not just *imagined* as being done, as well as constant doubt of memories and their (already vague) details, I feel particularly unhappy about our memory relating to people – I feel as though we do not capture them in our memory enough, and forget too fast.

We have already noticed a long time ago that, once someone does not regularly appear in our life anymore, we forget most information about them rather quickly (which I assume is normal, though at the same time a little saddening). I can not recall the names, faces or voices of childhood friends and teachers. What bothers me, though, is how this does not only apply to people from the far past. As for faces, that appears to simply be an inherent issue in general, we can vaguely recall faces and we recognize people, however attempting to remember details creates a sort of confusion and fog – even our *own* face, particularly if someone who avoids mirrors has fronted for a while. Additionally, it has come to my attention that we have seemingly partially blocked out specific memories of a very close friend we have not spoken to in only a few months, and I fear it may be on "purpose", in a way. I struggle to recall what it was like to speak to them, some of us would even claim not to know them at all, despite, as I stated earlier, us *not* having amnesia.

It is a little difficult to judge these memory "issues", as we do not have a frame of reference. We tend to assume this being the state of the default, however our memory may be slightly worse than the average. Most of it tends to simply be knowledge of what happened, anyway, with brief impressions or what one could liken to a short, few second video clip or images attached, though those are not always accessible. Thoughts and feelings do not tend to be recalled, it seems, which lends every memory a mild feeling of unreality and a certain disconnect. Of course, this disconnect is particularly strong in the memories of headmates, which are also difficult to recall, however this happens in our own memories as well. It is as though we are always at least slightly disconnected from reality, extremely prone to simply existing without processing the reality of things occurring, and it shows in our recollection of events. There are always a lot of question marks there.

-S (host)

Toby here again

I think our cohost almost had a panic attack today thinking we were all gone and was convinced other's responses were just his own thoughts pretending or something( ! And now I'm in front and a bit confused but also I would just like to know what to do against that! He's always a bit doubtful and I think he's here in the background because I get snippets of doubting thoughts still but I can't really think about them myself. Yesterday he said he was inna weird state of mind like things felt even less real than usual and nothing reached him so then he started thinking yhis meant we suddenly weren't here anymore? I don't know I don't understand. Host is co conscious and he doesn't know what to do either he tried to comfort him earlier but it didn't work because the fear was so strong. Anotger more aggressive headmate also couldnt help.

Does anyone have advice??