Does anyone want to go to Resurgence for free tonight? I've already bought the ticket but am unwell. I'll need your name so you're on their list. First come first serve.
Edit: This ticket has been claimed!
PM Burnham has started his reign by announcing a series of crowd-pleasing initiatives to tackle the cost of living. They're all vote winners if not potentially among the thousands of cuts that will eventually bring death to our economy.
Based on the series of 6am announcements so far, here's my prediction for what Labour will do next.
90p cap on all packs of quintessentially British biscuits. Custard creams, fig rolls, chocolate borbons etc. An easy way of winning over Farage simps which will have no real impact on the economy or anybody's shopping bills as most are below 90p anyway.
No VAT for LPs. We all know Burnham loves The Smiths and he believes the standard of living will be raised significantly if everyone went back to listening to old music on LPs. Unfortunately the tax break doesn't extend to LP players so the LP player black market begins to thrive.
All ethnically diverse recreational activities and full English breakfasts are now free. Want to take up Salsa dancing or Brazilian Ju Jitsu? Now is the perfect time because they're completely free. The gammons won't be happy so to ensure a sense of fairness and that no racist is left behind, the NBS (national breakfast service) is set up to provide free full English breakfasts to everyone in the UK. Wales, Scotland and NI can substitute English breakfasts for their own local alternatives. How can the country afford this? Nobody knows and it doesn't matter.
Landowners banned from football games. Football belongs to the working class. If you are a landowner or part of the highest tax bracket, you are now banned from all football stadiums in the UK. You also face a 10% football tax based on income to help support the growth of the game. Exemptions are made for everyone who actually works in football, such as players, pundits and managers, who are all in fact millionaires.
BOGOF if you're Northern. That's right, if you are northern then everything in the country is BOGOF until the North is as good as London. There's no clearly outlined geographical boundary for who qualifies as Northern, but it's somewhere around Sheffield and mainly done on vibes and musical taste.
Let's hear some of your predictions for Burnham's next move!
Change the selection for the first knockout round of the UCL so that teams get to pick/draft their opponents based on seeding. So first seed (team that finish first in the group) can choose any opponent they want. You then go down in descending order until all teams have been picked.
Why? Because teams can choose the weakest possible opponent, or a huge club so that they draw more money from gate receipts etc. You could even try to knock a big club out early if they are in disarray and you sense weakness.
Either way, the psychological quirk of knowing your opponent specifically chose you, or that you chose them and therefore would be really embarrassing if you lost, would make matches a bit more interesting.
As much as I enjoy a novelty long ball, I do believe football would be a much purer sport with kick-ins instead, the only rule being that you have to pass it along the ground so that it's not just a free kick from a wider position. Because although it's part of the game, nobody plays football as a kid dreaming of taking the perfect throw in.
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I would also like to see Gary Lineker's idea that a player can restart from a foul by dribbling unchallenged for five yards. This makes tactical fouls less effective because a player can immediately get back up and dribble five yards forward, presumably building enough speed to potentially beat a player and carry the ball even further.
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I think both of these changes would make the game snappier and more technical, and would be a lot more productive than the crap FIFA keep coming up with which just seems to confuse more and more people.
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