u/arcticghostsfish

Hello everyone,

​I'm looking for some advice on moving to Scotland from Sweden, mostly due to feeling severely isolated and after actively trying to integrate and failing. I need honest advice on moving to Scotland in our situation. We know quite a lot about Scotland and nearly moved there but then Brexit happened and it didn't feel smart

We are both from Bosnia, and we have a 2 yearold. Husband and son are Swedish citizens. We're English speakers both at an academic level, he works in IT (10+) and I had a bit of a stringy carreer but will have a degree to work as a lab technician (industrial laboratory). We have a house in Sweden that we bought cheap and we might save enough money to facilitate a move in some 3-5 years.

The reason why we want to move might sound stupid so please be kind.

While we love Sweden dearly and identify ourselves with it at some level. The social - cultural discrepancy between our culture and Sweden is something we cannot bridge. We're a bit toned down typical Bosnians: friendly and inviting, we like good food, endless discussions with good company, and we'll genuinely go up and beyond for our guests and friends. Mostly because we find pride in it. We also are capable of tolerating a lot of things, stress and conflict. We give people time and space to see how they behave towards us but are absolutely not afraid of being direct or taking critique. By toned down it means that we are a bit more reserved, and definitely suck big time at being spontaneous as your average Bosnian. We really like our structure, and privacy rather than a large network and spontaneous hangouts with relatives.

Sounds good enough to live in Sweden but we still have no social circle. While finding friends is hard as an adult, we were ready for it but 8 years is ridiculous.

We have people we know but no close friends. So, nobody to call when you would have a cup of coffee, or invite for important events like birthday or dinner party. Or to share good news with. We knew it would be like this, we were outside of Sweden for 10 months when out baby was small and knew what we are going back to.

But, knowing that our son is 2 and does not have one single friend from preschool, because the parents simply don't interact with each other (not just us it's towards everyone) made us really miserable and reconsidering our choice.

And this is not for the lack of trying. We speak the language, we are polite and respectful and try to establish contact with people without being pushy. We are active member of organization, volunteer for an organization that works with water protection. We do have hobbies and tried all and every tip in the book. We noticed that some people like to meet us and enjoy the "balkan ambient" but will not actually reciprocate and ghost you once we become uninteresting. Every time we tried to raise any issues we had (such as notoriously punctual swedes constantly being late whenever meeting us), the discussion meant the person just drops us. Conflict, even when you genuinely have a point is seen as a reason never to talk to you again.

I did start pushing and asking people about why and was basically told: " we already have friends from school, most of us won't miss losing you as a friend. It's sad but it's how it is" And "well most people will gladly participate in an activity or visit hur sadly the effort to maintain it and build a new relationship is too much ".

It means that besides the emotional connection we also don't have any emergency contacts or the like, we cannot actually rely on any help even with the smallest things. We did have international friends but most moved back or away. Our option is returning to bosnia after retirement but we don't know if our children would stay here or not.

We genuinely do not wish to return to Bosnia at this point as the opportunities in the EU for work and education as well as life quality is simply better.
The question is with our profile, work and family situation would moving to Scotland be a good idea? Would we actually be able to find a job and find a community or some sense of belonging at any point?

More practically: Is finding jobs hard especially industrial laboratory (not a chemist)? Do employers consider foreign applications now that visa is a requirement? We're also open to living in the countryside and have experience with local/rural development (through citizen volunteering). Finally if we'd be moving this late, can we be able to afford to buy a house/flat? Would childcare be an issue?

Thank you very much for any help and advice. This had been really hard to write and I apologize in advance for the long post.

Hejsan,

Hejsan,

Jag är en kvinna från Bosnien som har bott i Sverige i nästan 10 år, och jag behöver hjälp med att hantera konflikter på ett bättre sätt.

Först vill jag förklara lite om kulturen jag kommer ifrån, eftersom jag har märkt att många inte har någon aning om mitt hemland. Jag tror att en del av mitt problem beror på just att folk förväntar sig något annat, lite mer "spontant och flexibel". I Bosnien och särskilt därifrån jag kommer, gäller det "gästvänlig men med villkor". Villkoret är oftast att man förväntas delta aktivt i relationen. Om jag har bjudit hem dig en gång eller besökt dig en gång, "då är det din tur nästa gång" typen av beteende man förväntar sig. Det är oftast okej att vara lite sen, men absolut inte mer än 10–15 minuter, och då med en ursäkt. Det är okej att ringa en vän och se om de vill ta en kaffe snart (till exempel om 1,5 till 2 timmar), men ingen uppskattar folk som bara dyker upp.

Det är också helt okej att säga till när man är arg eller upprörd över något. Till exempel hade vi en väninna i gruppen som var sen hela tiden, och vi kunde sitta och vänta i 30 minuter på henne. Till slut fick hon en "läxa", och det blev mycket bättre efteråt. Men sådant tar oftast tid innan det händer, eftersom man litar på den andras "sunda förnuft". Annars är det typiskt Balkan: man blir lätt accepterad och vi gör i princip allt för den andra sidan.

För mig har det verkligen inte varit svårt att hitta vänner i Sverige. Men jag upplever att folk oftast efter ett par veckor eller månader, när de blir mer bekväma, slutar investera lika mycket i relationen. En annan sak är att jag upplever att folk inte har lika mycket respekt för min tid som de har för sina svenska vänner. Folk börjar bli sena till saker, låter mig organisera alla aktiviteter och tycker om att ha "balkanstämning" så länge de slipper ge tillbaka. Det blir riktigt besvärligt, särskilt eftersom jag har barn och inte har tid med sådant.

Problemet uppstår alltid när jag till slut säger till. Jag förstår att det inte är kul när jag säger att jag vill att man respekterar min tid och att man bidrar aktivt till vänskapen. Oftast tycker jag ganska mycket om personen och vill ha henne i mitt liv. Men varje gång det händer blir det konstigt och obekvämt, och sedan dör kontakten. Det här är inget jag vill uppleva heller, men jag förväntade mig att man skulle kunna ta kritik. Det är som de nu förstår att jag hatar de och vill aldrig igen ses.

Jag fick höra att det är för rakt eller (att mina ord är hårda) och vet inte hur mycket mjukare jag kan vara, för jag är riktigt less på att behöva gå på äggskal kring folk.

Jag ber om ursäkt för mitt "rant" men jag har börjat bli lite bitter och överväger om jag helt enkelt borde undvika nya bekantskaper.

I need help with the relationship between me and my sister

Me and my sister have always had a bit of a shaky relationship but it has gotten much better over the years. And by shaky I mean that we were not friends as teens, had completely different interests and lifestyles and there was a lot of competition going on especially from our relatives focused primarily on our looks. I was the "ugly" sister who was considered smart and she was the "dumb as bricks" beauty. It definitely damaged our relationship because it was constantly emphasized. My sister is not dumb, she is in fact very smart and organized and when it was time for college I did my very best to make sure she goes to college as well (tuition is cheap where we are from but my parents did not trust her capable as she repeated a year in high-school due to bad grades and asked me for opinion. I said they should give her a chance ). At college our relationship got better but there was a very clear imbalance between us where she was aware that it was me who got her there, my grades were better, and I was in a long-term relationship while she struggled to maintain a serious relationship. This would constantly boil over where we would have shouting matches because she would get offended by things that I didn't say or my facial expressions and it was especially bad when our parents visited and she had to get the attention or it would turn into an argument. For a long time my sister was a reason why me and my mom had a shit relationship as well because they were much closer and my mom is the "I'm not taking sides" type. Still, whenever I had to be there for her, I did that. We lied to our mom about her exams being canceled so she could pass them next year, in reality she failed those tests and I knew our parents would take her out of school. She graduated in the end, with good grades and is an excellent teacher and somewhat of a rising expert in her field. Meanwhile, I moved away and have been living for close to a decade in a foreign country. We are both happily married and have children now. Her son is 4 and mine is 2.

After a while our mom also moved to a foreign country and when she visited me our relationship improved drastically. We never argue, we talk a lot and about everything. I genuinely did not know my mom until we were given the opportunity to hang out alone. However, whenever we visit there is a fight. It always starts with the same pattern, my sister comes home from work stressed, then we say or do something that ticks her off and it explodes into shouting. And this is things like me refusing to take the baby clothes she wanted to give to my son. I didn't refuse, I simply could not take it all back with me since I don't have a car and travel by plane or not following the plan she had for that day . And last time a fight happened I just told her that she is not a sane person and that she should seek help. This was not at any point an insult as I am convinced that she does need help (ADHD runs in the family and I am the first to be diagnosed and medicated). I was simply tired of always expecting a fight whenever we visited (she also fights with mom when mom visits) and I don't like that it's spilling over onto our children. The time I said she needs help is when she claimed that nobody comforted her son after he and his cousin got scared over something and both cried. I was there, my mom was there, we are both telling her it did not happen that way. We both immediately separated them with me going to one room and her and mom to the other until the kids calmed down and could continue playing. My husband confirmed it because I called him and talked about it how they got scared and what happened. Yet my sister wouldn't accept it, in the end she just said well even if I remembered wrong it's because I am tired." I spoke to her afterwards and she said that she saw me as competition and that she feels she always has to "prove herself". I asked for proof of when I gave her a reason to think I want to compete and she finally admitted she has none and apologized. I was hopping that we could have a better relationship from there.

So now, I have visited and it is the same if not worse. She's mad that our mom is not present enough with her grandchildren ( meanwhile mom is worried about her worm visa being denied and is constantly on her phone checking emails) and every attempt at talking about anything that she is not interested in basically has her ignoring you. She has not at any point showed interest in my life and at various points cut me off when I talked. She clearly gets distracted by something and she never goes back to the conversation. When I brought it up because I wanted to talk about it because I had similar attention problems, I never got to my point because she was ready to cry and took it immediately as a personal attack. She got defensive how she is tired and how she doesn't have the capacity to follow long winded conversations, and how if I understand what attention issues are I should be more understanding. I honestly don't agree because I was aware when I did it to people and always apologized immediately and showed that I was listening but got distracted. She doesn't, even when I told her what I was bothered by because it was a significant event for me, she didn't pick it up at that point or any point during the day. Then at the end of the day when the kids played I went to her room to discuss with her how to encourage the two to play quieter. Both because I have sensory overload issues and because they can play with a normal amount of yelling and noise but it can escalate into them just shouting because they think it's fun and encourage one another. My sister took this as a critique of her parenting and of her son (I said both of them and went specifically to see with her with a strategy how to handle it because I mean it when I say that they can get painfully loud and I didn't want them to hear and feel bad or criticized). She told me that she does not silence her son and that she sees no reason for doing something like that, I started talking about "inside-outside" voice and that it's considerate to others but I felt it would be taken the wrong way and in the end I deflected and it was left hanging. I am supposed to be here for the next fifteen days, the situation is already not great and I really don't know what to do anymore. Any conversation feels like a minefield, I don't want to fight, and at this point I'm thinking if visiting is smart in the first place?? What am I doing wrong, I seem to be able to have a good relationship with everyone except for her.

(Also, I'm realize that there is two sides to everything and I know that I am not the easiest person to handle especially since I don't handle loud noises well and it comes across as being demanding and wanting special treatment. I tried wearing loops but it didn't help a lot. I love my sister and I am very happy about how our lives turned out otherwise but I have tried to make our relationship work but every time I visit it's like it resets and I don't know what to do.

P s. English is not my first language and I am sorry if this is a really long and badly written post. )