u/artemisganymede

There’s something deeply attractive about unperformed authenticity
Someone who doesn’t need to prove that they’re intelligent, kind, mature, interesting, or above anyone else
Soft without being weak, open without being naive. Someone who can understand why someone behaves badly without excusing it. Someone who can see that everyone carries their own wounds without letting that become an excuse for disrespect. Someone who has empathy, but they also have boundaries

I am sorry as this is going to be a long one! So I’m a final year medical student, and I didn’t choose medicine because I loved it or because I dreamed of becoming a doctor since I was a kid. I chose it because I could. And honestly, how do you not choose medical school when you have the opportunity to?
Throughout medical school, I never really loved it, but I didn’t hate it either. I wasn’t particularly interested in it, which might explain why I never developed that passion for medicine that some people have. I did enjoy going to clinical rotations sometimes, but I always saw it as a job, as work. I used to tell myself “you’re not supposed to love your job anyway sooo”
Fast forward to my psychiatry rotation. I was miserable during it, and it was incredibly triggering for me. But I will forever be grateful that I went through that rotation because it was actually through psychiatry that I realized I had OCD. I eventually saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed, and started treatment.
Getting diagnosed and medicated helped me tremendously for a while. It felt like, at 20 something, I had finally started living. And honestly, that realization was both eye opening and heartbreaking! Realizing that other people had been living without their brains constantly rambling 24/7, while I had spent so many years functioning that way without even knowing it actually had a name, was incredibly difficult to process.
At some point, though, I actually fell in love with a specialty. I started seeing medicine less as something I loved in itself and more as a way to reach that specialty through residency!
But now I’m not sure I can do it anymore! I still love the specialty itself, but I’ve realized that it can be very triggering for me. When I’m doing well mentally, I can handle it. But whenever I go through periods of intense stress, my OCD symptoms come back very strongly and preparing for the residency exam has made me realize just how much stress can affect me, and I’m not sure I’m willing to put myself through that repeatedly for the rest of my career. But i also know that there will be other stuff that can be triggering and I can’t run forever, but again I tell myself when i can prevent it why not!
There’s also the fact that I don’t really see myself working in a hospital for my entire life. As appealing as the idea of this surgical specialty can be, I’m not sure the actual lifestyle, the hospital life and especially the rigged system is something I want or can even handle.
And then ofc there’s the possibility that some of this is simply laziness or burnout. I am supposed to be studying for the residency exam right now, and part of me wonders whether I’m just looking for a reason to stop because I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. But deep down, I don’t think it’s just that.
I don’t have a therapist at the moment. I do have a psychiatrist who prescribes my medication, and he has advised me to see a therapist because medication alone isn’t enough. I didn’t like the first therapist I saw, and part of me also struggles with the idea of therapy because sometimes I think, “What could a therapist tell me that I can’t figure out myself??
That being said, I do believe ERP could help me, and I’m currently looking for a therapist!
So now I genuinely don’t know what I want or what I should do….
I’ve considered taking a gap year, but I’m terrified of “losing” a year! At the same time, I’m scared that if I keep pushing myself toward a career that might not be right for me, I’ll end up losing much more than a year.
Should I keep pushing through and see what happens? Should I take a year to work on myself and figure things out? Should I finish medical school and postpone the residency decision?
I genuinely don’t know whether I’m giving up on something I actually want or finally allowing myself to admit that I don’t want it..