i'm just wondering why students dont attend these meetings. the stuff they talk about has an effect on all residents of slo. what's your reasoning for attending or not attending?
also if you do want to go there's one tonight at 5:30 pm downtown!
i'm not upset at anyone or judging you if you don't attend! i'm just interested in the reasoning behind the decision. in the city of slo the time is pretty reasonable, there's a meeting today at 5:30 downtown, so what's the thought process you have?
(everyone in the story is now 18 or older, any other numbers are referring to the past for context)
hi everyone.
long story, needs context.
i (18 m) am very depressed and have a history of self harm and suicidal ideation, as well as being very reliant on the people i date.
when i was 14 i was groomed online and isolated from everyone else in my life which fucked up my relationship with my family and friends and made me feel like the only person who understood me was my "boyfriend" (20something M). like i was so dependent on him and eventually when he realized what he was doing was wrong i begged him to stay, i told him id kill myself if he left, that he ruined my life so he owed it to me to stay. fine. that ended like a year later or smth
then i dated a girl 18F when i was 16, she also was very mentally ill, depressed, and we had a toxic relationship, still totally dependent on her, we broke up a year snd a half later when i realized our lives were just too different.
at the same time that i was dating older gf, i started dating my current girlfriend, 17F, when i was 17 (they both knew and were ok with it)
my gf now is also depressed and has bad anxiety. we go to different universities but were planning on going to the same one before her parents said we couldnt. also important context is that we both had a lot of pressure on us academically and to get into top unis but mental health screwed that and we both are attending unis that are pretty good but not great. she is very anxious about her future and feels trapped at her school, like she cant choose a different path, and she cant take a break or anything. she doesnt really have friends there aside from a social club she attends twice a week.
i also have very very few friends at my university and really dislike it, i was planning on transferring from my university to hers, which aside from having my gf is closer to home and i would fit in better there.
right now my girlfriend and i have been together for over a year and a half, but 7 months of that has been long distance.
i love her so much. i dont know how to express it. our relationship isnt perfectly healthy but this is the first time im ever really actively trying to improve myself and be a better boyfriend for her. im getting better at relationships and im trying so hard because i see a life with her, i want to move 150 miles away to be with her, i think she's brilliant and beautiful and funny and so kind, she makes me a better person, i love her, i love her smile, i love making things for her, i love talking about her, everyone in my life knows i have a girlfriend. i love her, god i love her so much, i can stay long distance, i'd change or do anything to be with her. i've built out our whole future in my head, grad school living together, marriage, work, buying a house and having cats, it's all i can envision for myself and my future, it's all i want. i cant imagine any other life, i can't imagine life without her.
this was her first relationship. im intense and serious about her and communicate a lot and she..had a crush on me and fell in love i think. we did the high school things together, she wanted to go to uni with me, but i don't think she's comfortable with the level of commitment i feel. i've known this for a long time, but i was always okay with that, with waiting for her level of comfort, and i thought there were signs of her really caring about me too. she loves me, she gave me her favorite childhood stuffed animal, her family likes me well enough.
but recently its been getting a lot worse. she feels trapped? maybe? in the level of commitment we've had, i cant make her happy because we're both really depressed, she doesnt like when i talk about the future i want with her when she used to be okay with it (jokes like "cam we have 12 cats when we live together?" she used to think were funny and now she kinda gets closed off about). so we've talked about it some, and i've pulled back to make her comfortable, we talk less, and i thought ok. its ok, i'll wait as long as she needs, whatever she needs.
last night i said like "i love calling you my girl" and it made her happy so i said it again, sweet nothings whatever, and then she was like wait idk i dont want you to call me that rn, i thought it would be ok but its not.
and so we talked more last night and this morning and she says she doesnt know if she wants to be with me.
it just hurts so much. it hurts so much, so much, i feel physical pain in my chest, i dont know. i called her and asked if we were breaking up and she said she couldnt say, it was too fast to make that kind of decision, but i dont know what to do. its like we're in limbo. logically i know this relationship is probably gonna end now but emotionally i cant, i want to beg her to stay, i know she loves me, i know at least she did love me, i have photos and you can see it in her eyes, i remember how it felt to be with her in person and i KNOW she cares so how can this be happening? how? i cant, i cant, im so alone at school, i have no friends, she's all i have. i asked if this would get better when we were together in person again and she said she didnt know if things were ever ok, even before when we were together irl, which i thought were "good times."
also i just..she's the reason why im not self harming, why i cant kill myself, all that. i am dependent on her. i know its unhealthy. id rather be in an unhealthy relationship than dead. i cant imagine a life or future without her, me just all alone, so alone, i can't, i can't, nobody else is ever going to love me, nobody will, i'm too fucked up for anyone to love me or see me the way she sees me, to put up with me when im annoying, whatever, nobody else will ever love me, theres no point.
with all that in mind what. am i going to do. i
dont know
do i just let her go? how do i fix this? how do i get through this? please help