u/autumn_em

Disclaimer: After writing my whole post, I saw that it's too long, I'm rambling and I may not be connecting the ideas well. But I wanted to let out so much of my inner thoughts. So I may delete it later. Feel free to read if you want to 🤷‍♀️.

That's how I feel, and yesterday I got reaffirmed this idea. I have a male friend, and we actually have talked lengthy about the singlehood subject, we are both single by choice but due to very different reasons, I'm not open to date because the idea of marriage is unappealing to me, while he actually wants to marry in the future but right now I think he is focusing on growing as a person (in our convos, for example, I've shared that I wouldn't like to cook for a man, while he has told me he wants a wife to cook for him, so yeah very different worlds). But yesterday he was actually very nice to me, like very nice, and warm towards me (as a friend, nothing romantic at all) and he tends to make me feel safe emotionally. He is a good person and will be a great husband (for any woman whose desire in life is to be tradwife, which it's valid as well), and that is where it hit me, I'm not made of stone, someone being affectionate towards me can feel nice, it made me remember how it feels when a man is warm and protective, I will not lie and say it doesn't feel nice, because it does. And I'm not single by choice because a bad experience or because I think there are no good men out there, because I know many, and I personally know many happy marriages, those wives are not at all enduring anything bad from their husbands, they are very loved and cared for. I know the husbands of these happy marriages, they are 100% genuinely good people who would not harm anyone, on the contrary, they would risk their life to protect others, and I know cases were they have done so. My point is, yesterday's experience made me reflect about the good aspects of being in a relationship, which basically is to be loved and be that special someone to someone. And I realized not even the warmest of affection, not even the most pure and loyal love I could get offered, not even those late evening walks with deep conversation where you feel like you two are the only ones in the world, not even if someone could offer me the protection I may have always needed in my life, not even if that "special" someone who has the intellectual depth and curiosity that I always found attractive would say to me that he would do anything, anything, to make me happy, even promise me to give me tons of freedom and never ever demand children of me, not even demand of me to do domestic labor (which being honest I doubt that exist). Nothing, nothing could make me cut my wings off, nothing could make me want to renounce my freedom. I realized that I'm like a impenetrable wall, as if my "wings" are so part of me that they can't be cut off. It hit me, I'm not made like most people, that they want to blend in with another human being, their nature is to forever wanting to compromise, forever lose their individuality, to become one flesh, actually become one, but I was born different because I don't want to become one with another human being.

Yes, I'm happy single because having a husband would make me, personally, struggle with feelings of depression and feel stressed, not because I think he would be literally bad to me, but because it feels against my nature (and also, I don't want to have physical intimacy, which being feel obliged to do so because marriages requires that act, would be like a living torture for me). And I have so many reasons why I'm happy in life and I'm not alone and I have purpose and meaning in my life. I actually have a crush on a man and I think he likes me too (I wouldn't even choose him for a boyfriend because he has so many imperfections that are a deal breakers) but not even feeling a crush for a man makes me feel sad for the loss of a possible relationship in the future, I can't see any man on earth, even if they are attractive, to be actually compatible with me. Romantic feelings are not powerful enough to make me want to give up freedom. Not even the sweetest of loves could demolish this innate independence of mine. For the longest, I always believed I'm not compatible with anyone, because I'm just too weird, and maybe that was actually the case all along. And that's fine :)

And to not have a partner to worry about and having to compromise. Seriously every single day I feel joy that I have my freedom, my autonomy 💜. For example, today, since it's my only resting day, I was able to sleep in until the hour I wanted without being pushed to do other things or being judged by how I arrange my own schedule (also loving that I have my own personal space and privacy). I don't have to think and plan around having to cook or clean for a husband, compromise everything, be his supportive role. So I have the freedom to do what I want when I want to, manage my own life and decisions. And mostly glad that I'm not into any obligation to have physical intimacy, as a woman who never wants children.

Don't get me wrong, I believe marriage is a beautiful thing. And I know deep in my heart that most women (the ones that want a partner) can find unbelievable joy and meaning by having a partner, and have his love and support, and also by becoming a supportive role in their husband's life, it's an act of love I think due to being taking care of and respecting him. But since morality is decaying in society, finding good partners have become harder in society, so I know why many women, and men as well, have become disappointed in the quality of partners they can have, in a marriage built by two people, if they are lacking, then they can't achieve the level of happiness they would want to.

Nevertheless, I am single at heart, I would reject the most perfect man and the most ideal marriage. So every day is filled with the joy of being single by choice 💜

There is this ESFJ man I know (to be fair I don't know his MBTI type but everything that I have known about him heavily dictates that's his type), for some reason unknown to me, he has been only cordial or he straight up doesn't acknowledges my presence when we are in public around others, while he is charismatic, funny, and very warm to other people, so for like a year now I feel like it must be personal but I don't know the reason. I have tried to be friends, but all I get is cold or superficially cordial behavior from him. I smile to him, I compliment him, I ask him how is he really doing to try to offer a safe space for him to open up if he wants to, I get nothing. But that's okay, I mean we don't have to be liked by everyone. I am just a nobody probably to him, neutral.

But I have noticed that for some months now he is not cordial to me by text, he really is lacking tons of tact and zero warm, through text. Given the nature of our relationship, I have to write to him (we are not friends, but we have to cooperate in certain things so hence why), he, I am not exaggerating, he really is not tactful at all. I don't know how he behaves with others via text, but in person he is better and with other people he actually behaves like an ESFJ, with me, I am a nobody.

So I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, also because the minds of the ESFJs are the hardest for me to comprehend, there is another thing I know about him that I believe may give clue into his cold, honestly very rude, behavior. I think he may be in emotional pain:

We have a mutual friend, he is an ENTJ, he actually got tested ENTJ, and this ENTJ in a moment of not being prudent, told me the ESFJ is suffering of heartbreak, that the ESFJ asked a friend of mine to be his girlfriend but that my friend rejected him saying that she can't have a relationship because she has bad mental health. My friend never ever told me about this, but that is understandable and the best course of action, ofc she will not gossip about rejecting him given we move in the same social circles, but it was not even 2 months later I think, that my friend started dating another man, and since we move in the same social circles, the ESFJ has to interact and see them. My ENTJ friend told me that the ESFJ is "furious" at the situation and that he is also very hurt and can't get over her. Ofc I shouldn't know this, and to be fair he didn't told me it was my friend who rejected him, but heavily implied so.

So, my question actually is, how is heartbreak felt for ESFJ men?. I believe his grumpiness and rude behavior towards me may be because of the heavily sad feelings he may be enduring, that is why I want to comprehend the pain so I can be compassionate and not take it personally. But also, maybe you guys, specially ESFJ men, could give me insights into what may be happening and how to move forward. I am planning to keep being kind to him, but... it actually makes me feel that he has something against me I haven't figure out. Regardless, I will keep being kind.