u/badlybevahedidiot5

I graduated a few years ago with my BSW and worked at an ICFSA for two years. The lateral violence, gossip, political favouritism and corruption forced me to quit and take a job with the ministry. I could probably write an essay on the problems I saw - ethical, moral, financial and legal.

Then I started at MCFD a year ago. What. The. Fuck. I’d assumed that MCFD would be just as bad after the horrendous experiences I had during my BSW and this ICFSA job. But it’s amazing! The ministry gets a lot of hate but it’s a dream job after where I was. I’m on the mainland rn.

I have remarked on how good my new office is to a few people and all of them say that yes, it’s not toxic and conflict is managed professionally. They have all also said that ICFSAs are notoriously bad places to work, at least in my SDA.

I would like to add that I am very easygoing and generally successfully avoid conflict. that is difficult when every professional interaction with a male colleague is monitored by half the hallway for gossip.

I think social work students should be made aware of the fact that issues facing the Indigenous community are also present at ICFSAs. My program made it seem like a ‘home only’ thing. Maybe I was naïve. No social worker should have to manage that degree of conflict AND a caseload full of kids who need your support.

If you are not from the Indigenous community(ies) your local ICFSA supports, AVOID WORKING THERE. At least for the Island. You can be any race and from any community, but if you are an outsider, it’s terrible. I can’t believe something hasn’t been done, but there is so little oversight.

Also - I understand and appreciate the degree of violence and trauma Europeans caused Indigenous peoples in this country. I can see how this manifests today in DV, lateral violence, internal racism and interpersonal conflict, among many other things. However, I also believe that nobody should be forced into the thick of it when they don’t have a job description designed to handle severe workplace conflict day in and day out.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

****TW FOR COCSA****

This is the first time I have talked about this to anyone who isn’t a therapist or immediate family member. My memories of this are poor (thankfully) but I would love advice.

I was sexually assaulted and harassed basically constantly from ages 11-14 by male classmates at school. Groping, verbal harassment, being held down and touched against my will, being sent violent & explicit messages over text and social media, rumours and gossip, humiliation, all of it. Looking back, the behaviour these boys exhibited should have warranted a response from child and family services because it was quite disturbing, especially from children their age. There may have been other things that I subconsciously have shut out. It was daily and intensified over time.

I’m from the UK and it’s a national problem here. Teachers saw it and clearly had no idea how to cope because they were all 23 and probably hadn’t been trained in how to respond. I also attended christian school so there was likely a churchy self-preservation aspect. I lost 40 pounds and became incredibly withdrawn. Didn’t get counselling for it until 3 years later, and I couldn’t remember anything at that time so treatment was essentially useless.

I went the classic middle-class white girl route: anorexia, drinking and self-harm. Sorry to dismiss my experience with that but my story is such a good example of how white middle class girls fall into these patterns. I have mostly healed from that and am now a professional adult with a thriving career in mental health.

However, I think this trauma has affected me more than I know consciously. I go through periods of being incredibly jumpy and scared of men. I feel a sense of humiliation when I talk/think about sex or my sexuality (I am a lesbian and the boys who gave me trouble found out after I left the school, apparently there was a lot of negative talk). I have nightmares about that school over ten years later.

I was too humiliated to spill the details to a more seasoned teacher at the time, but I wish I had. Or even the police. I left that school knowing that they had multiple targets and knowing they’d pick another little girl. Many girls even had it worse than me: rape, nudes being spread, etc. I couldn’t tell my parents for a variety of reasons, the primary one being that we were planning to move abroad at the time and I couldn’t add to their stress. We also lived in an affluent and gossipy area, so I couldn’t say a word without hurting my family (IYKYK).

These boys seem to be thriving all these years later. Some of them post online about men’s mental health (sorry to the men on this sub, but I just think it’s ironic that these guys have chosen to go that route after being so evil without any attempt at atonement). I have this ridiculous futile anger that their childhood behaviour will never be punished. I was humiliated, traumatized, violated and frightened for no reason and they grew into adulthood without their behaviour ever being corrected. My girlfriends from school can confirm they carried on until graduation.

I know we were all children, but this experience damaged me so deeply. I have done well for myself, obtained a master’s degree, got married, moved countries, developed a thriving social life. But this trauma won’t leave me. I don’t know how to help the little tween kid that lives within me or help her understand it wasn’t her fault. I have depression and horrible social anxiety that requires multiple daily doses of medication. The humiliation has never left despite seeing 5 therapists over the last 12 years. I can’t get my head around it.

How do you forgive? As a 28 year old, it’s a bit much to hold a judge against someone from when they were 11. I’m not angry any more, just so sad for the women and girls growing up in a world where men and boys grow up like this without intervention.

Side note - it’s worrying where these boys got their ideas from. No 12 year old should know porn terms. But i digress.

I heard about him being a weirdo with one of my friends and it killed all of my feelings for him instantly. We’d had an emotional affair and I couldn’t drop my feelings for months, OMYF situation. I’m so relieved. I had tried everything. My friend will never know how grateful I am for her.

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. I deleted every post I made but I’ll remember your responses that made me feel like I wasn’t an asshole. Best wishes to you all!!

Goodbye and sending lots of love.

I (28f) had an emotional affair with a guy I met at the gym (49m). Big age difference but that’s how I like em. It was a very stupid decision on both of our parts, but especially mine because I am from a very judgemental community that likes to police younger people’s behaviour.

I fell in love hard and didn’t realize how hard until I ended things to focus on my marriage. I have never felt like this after a breakup, I’ve always been able to turn it off once it’s over.

To be honest, he had me feeling ways I have never felt before. He was hilarious, he made me feel so beautiful and he was so effortlessly masculine in a very mature and easygoing way. He really cared about women and children and was the sweetest person despite being a pretty tough guy. Like he was covered in scars and stuff from his blue collar jobs but was an ardent feminist. Big tipper too, which I personally find attractive.

He was also SO SEXY. I feel like he has earned me saying that in a reddit post. Just every move he made felt designed for the female gaze.

Does this mean this is the only man I have ever loved or that I formed a weird unhealthy attachment to him? I don’t have daddy issues either so idk what my problem is.

Working this out with a therapist in my town feels risky because they seem to play fast and loose with confidentiality (I’m on therapy tiktok and they don’t appear to care about that in particular).

I feel like such an idiot but I haven’t been able to get over him yet and it’s been months. I do some light stalking online which definitely makes it worse because seeing pictures of him just reaffirms my attraction.

My husband is awesome, which complicates it more. He’s super smart, funny, handsome, well-built and kind. Great sex life, we do it almost every night and it’s always fantastic. The sort of person who would buy a bag of baby carrots to feed rabbits at the park. I sound like I’m bragging but I want to explain how it adds to the pain. I feel like a complete dick because I have an amazing guy at home and still went for someone else. I just feel like I’m allergic to monogamy despite that being the expectation from my community.

There’s more shit with my marriage but I feel like putting it on the internet would be disrespectful. Maybe not as disrespectful as having an emotional affair but still, don’t want to broadcast it.

What do I do? I have never been in this state so long. Will time help?