u/bananinacat

A little update

previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/dementia/s/j40WBEXRaR

I moved my mom into a memory care home this Thursday. The facility is actually a large villa and feels much more like a family home than a hospital. Nothing fancy, but ok. The staff seem genuinely kind and experienced with dementia.

After speaking with the doctor, they advised me not to make the goodbye too emotional. They told me to tell my mom I was just going to the pharmacy for a few minutes, and then leave. I understand why they do it—it helps residents adjust to the new environment—but I won't lie, it broke my heart. I just hope she doesn't fully understand what's happening.

Today my husband and I went to visit her. She was sitting outside in the garden reading with the other residents. She was clean, dressed, and seemed fairly calm. She was happy to see me. We told her we were having some work done at the house and that she'd only be staying there for a little while. After that she became very quiet.

The director told me she hasn't had any angry outbursts so far. She does tend to isolate herself sometimes, but overall she's doing okay.

After about an hour we left again, telling her we were going grocery shopping. As we were leaving, she asked, "Can't I come with you?" And my heart broke all over again.

I know this is what's best for her. Keeping her at home wasn't really a better option anymore—she spent most of the day watching TV with caregivers she didn't want in the house, and every other day there was another crisis that I had to deal with. Still, I find myself getting really sad whenever I think about it.

I don't know how aware she really is. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I've abandoned her.

For those of you who've been through this, how did you make peace with those feelings?

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My mother has dementia and as for today, I’m her only caregiver. My brother always hated my mum and basically refuses to help, even if he lives close by while I live 2hours away. My mum is getting worse and I can't seem to find a caregiver that is able t work with her. Everytime, even with assistance, I have to calm my mum down on the phone or leave everything and go the her place when she has major crisis.

The last year has been extremely hard, but the last few days have completely broken me.

So this week two different caregivers left within a few days. The situation at home is very unstable: my mother refuses to be with the caregiver and lays in bed all day, confused, sometimes aggressive, sometimes trying to leave the house alone. She refuses cooperation most of the time, and every attempt to get help seems to collapse after a short time.

I’m now trying to find a nursing home, but I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I know she needs care, but emotionally I feel like I’m abandoning her. I KNOW she will. hate me. At the same time, I’m completely burned out. I don’t sleep properly anymore, I’m anxious all the time, and I feel like I’m barely functioning. I had really dark thought these days thinking about how this will. be my life for the next 10 years. Basically imprisoned in her house, as her caregiver.

What scares me the most is the waiting time. In my country, getting a place in a facility can take months, and I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to survive this period alone while continuing to care for her 24/7.

Every day feels like I’m stuck between two impossible options:

keeping her at home and collapsing myself, or placing her in a facility and drowning in guilt.

My brother is basically absent, and I feel incredibly alone in this.

I guess I’m just looking for anyone who has been through something similar. How do you survive this phase while waiting for placement? How do you deal with the guilt? How do you keep going when you’re already completely exhausted? How do you tell her she wont live I her house anymore? God I'm so depressed.

​

My mother has dementia and as for today, I’m her only caregiver. My brother always hated my mum and basically refuses to help, even if he lives close by while I live 2hours away. My mum is getting worse and I can't seem to find a caregiver that is able t work with her. Everytime, even with assistance, I have to calm my mum down on the phone or leave everything and go the her place when she has major crisis.

The last year has been extremely hard, but the last few days have completely broken me.

So this week two different caregivers left within a few days. The situation at home is very unstable: my mother refuses to be with the caregiver and lays in bed all day, confused, sometimes aggressive, sometimes trying to leave the house alone. She refuses cooperation most of the time, and every attempt to get help seems to collapse after a short time.

I’m now trying to find a nursing home, but I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I know she needs care, but emotionally I feel like I’m abandoning her. I KNOW she will. hate me. At the same time, I’m completely burned out. I don’t sleep properly anymore, I’m anxious all the time, and I feel like I’m barely functioning. I had really dark thought these days thinking about how this will. be my life for the next 10 years. Basically imprisoned in her house, as her caregiver.

What scares me the most is the waiting time. In my country, getting a place in a facility can take months, and I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to survive this period alone while continuing to care for her 24/7.

Every day feels like I’m stuck between two impossible options:

keeping her at home and collapsing myself, or placing her in a facility and drowning in guilt.

My brother is basically absent, and I feel incredibly alone in this.

I guess I’m just looking for anyone who has been through something similar. How do you survive this phase while waiting for placement? How do you deal with the guilt? How do you keep going when you’re already completely exhausted? How do you tell her she wont live I her house anymore? God I'm so depressed.

I’m writing on this sub that I just found because I really need to vent and connect with people who understand what this is like.

My mother (77) has dementia and things have become very difficult recently. For the past year she had a caregiver who would come in the morning and leav in the evening, giving her a few houtlrs of privacy in the afternoon. This arrangement was no longer sustainable because my mother kept leaving the house and getting lost, and it was getting dangerous (last time she fell down and had the go to the hospital).

So for the first time, we brought in a live-in caregiver, a 40-year-old woman from Ukraine (we live in Rome. Italy). She is doing her best and, so far, she is holding up, but my mother has started having episodes of intense anger and sometimes even aggression. She refuses to take her medication and often refuses to eat.

It’s becoming increasingly hard for the caregiver to manage these situations, and I’m honestly worried that at some point she might not be able to cope anymore if my mother doesn’t stabilize. That scares me a lot.

This past year has been extremely heavy. My mother lives alone, and I live about two hours away. My brother lives closer, but unfortunately he is a shithead and doesn’t help at all due to his own strained relationship with her, which leaves all of the responsibility on me.

On one hand, it breaks my heart to see my mother so unhappy and to witness how much she struggles with the loss of her independence, especially in the moments when she seems to realize what is happening to her. On the other hand, honestly, I feel like I can’t cope anymore with being responsible for her 24/7, always having to be available for emergencies and living in a constant state of alert. This past year has really pushed me to my limits.

I’ve contacted her geriatrician and I’m hoping we can find a medication or some solution to help calm her down and make things more manageable. But right now, I feel emotionally drained and overwhelmed.

If anyone here has been through something similar, I would really appreciate any advice on how to make this transition with a live-in caregiver less difficult. I feel like I’m very close to burning out and I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in a more sustainable way.

I guess I just needed to say this somewhere where people might understand.

Thank you