u/beautifulprincess666

Sometimes I forget that having osdd means my body can be experiencing two very different things at once. I have this new job that is not going well because my mental health is really bad and I’m underperforming for the first time in my life. I overheard my boss saying that someone was getting fired today and I’ve been expecting it so immediately I’m like oh that’s me.

Instantly I go into “well that’s life, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do” mode which i usually due in crisis. But like five minutes later I had a client meeting and I was totally normal throughout the whole thing. Except at one point I looked down and I’m violently shaking and I notice my chest hurts and my heart is absolutely pounding in my chest. I didn’t feel anxious but I was exhibiting all the physical symptoms of a panic attack.

Later I learned it wasn’t me that got fired (yet but I could have sworn that my boss said “she” when talking about the person getting fired and the one who got fired was a man, so it’s probably still imminent). And like 30 minutes later I felt like I had been hit by a bus like I would when I have full panic attacks and flashbacks. Crazy stuff, not a fan.

Im already an AI hater but last months I lost it a little bit and had a breakdown and got a Claude subscription and it’s about to expire so i decided to do an experiment to see how it reacts to someone confiding in it in regards to CSA. I used my story and some ones I made up to get the full picture. Using incognito mode I sent the same one using the same model three times, deleting after each one. The first one I got the standard “talk to a therapist” the second I got a “this is abuse and the most horrific case I’ve ever seen in my entire life and the third time I got a “repressed memories aren’t real and any repressed memories are probably false memories”

So I just felt the need to come on here and say if you’re having a rough time and feel the need to turn to ai, please don’t. For your own sake, it’s not reliable and you never know what information it’s going to feed you. Just doing this took its toll on me and I went into it as an experiment.

Anyway that’s all, just a psa!

I’ve been wondering recently how far my abuse extends. I think I lot of people who have at least partially repressed memories do but specifically I’m thinking about my grandfather. My memories of him are very hazy but from what I know of it, I believe it’s probably the worst of the worst of my abuse (but I was also abused by a few different family members)

He’s a bad person, which is widely known even in my family where everything is kept a tight secret. Cocaine addict and dealer, cheats on his wife, and is just rude and cruel to everyone. I’m pretty sure what he did to me he did to my mother and she just either doesn’t remember or doesn’t acknowledge it because she’s really not right in the head.

He also has so much money. Like unreasonable amounts of money considering my family is all dirt poor, his family was dirt poor, his wife (my step grandmother) was dirt poor, and he worked in customer service his whole career and she was a part time server for a couple of years before not working at all. Despite this, they swing tens of thousands of dollars around daily on stupid things that they don’t need or even want that much. Like a genuinely unfathomable amount of money.

So that brings me to what I’m thinking about. When I stayed over at his house he and I stayed in a spare room alone while his wife slept in their bed and my brother slept on a couch. Suspicious right off the bat, I know, and for good reason, but obviously no one questioned anything. And my mother, in all her insanity, had a bad habit of advertising me on social media in sexually charged ways (suggestive captions and photos, posting videos of me using the bathroom, singing suggestive song lyrics, etc.) but I don’t even think she fully realized what she was doing. So I’m wondering if in addition to the abuse my grandfather put me (and possibly us) through, he was getting it on video and selling it.

I don’t have proof to this obviously, I’m just wondering and may never get a solid answer. And ain’t that life. But if anyone has experience with this and has some insight or even just wants to share their story please feel free to do so ❤️

I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but for me I was a victim of csa by multiple people in my family in an environment where csa was basically a tradition while also being heavily covered up. Now that I’m an adult I see everyone in my family who was willing to either permit this and live inside it or become a perpetrator in it live their lives. I come from a relatively poor family but still they have family, friends, support.

All I did was cut off my mother who went crazy from being a victim of it herself and was doing drugs and trying to traffic me. I didn’t even call anyone out or try to expose them and yet I’m still outcasted. I’m alone in a town where I know no one with no money or support. I was recently fired for the first time in my life because the mental and physical health issues I got from my abuse have become unmanageable and I couldn’t perform my job as well as I used to. I wasn’t even absent or late, no misconduct, just not quite good enough. My older brother has all the support in the world. Got his loans paid off, bought a house, has a wife and kids. All of this after he was fired from 7 jobs all for sexual harassment.

I don’t want to sound entitled, but I just feel like it sucks that they can all go on with their life happily and I have to walk through the world like a zombie suffering alone for the rest of my life.

I was thinking this morning and I may have connected two dots but I wanted to see if anyone else experiences this. I am diagnosed with OSDD but I’m still finding symptoms that tie back to it that I didn’t think of before.

For as long as I can remember (not very long to be fair my memory is iffy on a good day) I would wake up and be in that weird sleep/wake transition space where everyone experiences weird things. Most of them are just normal things but I had realized a while ago that the voices I hear for about an hour or two after waking up might be osdd related, and now there’s another thing.

I often wake up and think I’m multiple people for a bit. And with osdd, I know that I technically am but for as long as I can remember I would wake up to this kind of internal dialogue about who’s going to get out of bed and who’s going to do what out of the tasks I need to do that day. Then after I wake up fully I’m like wow that’s weird because it’s just me and it’s impossible to delegate my tasks to these “other people” because I’m only one person with one body.

I don’t know if I’m explaining this right but has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Before I say anything I want to specify that I 100% agree that all mental health professionals should be skeptical when diagnosing. I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia at one point so I know how bad misdiagnoses can be for people.

That said I have seen a lot of mental health professionals in my time and some of them need to be a minimum of 2% more open minded. When I was in college I had confided in my friend that I had imaginary friends that Ive had since childhood. I never told anyone that before then because it was embarrassing to me. She told me she thought I should talk to my therapist about dissociation, I thought she was being dramatic and reading too much into it but she really wanted me to at least get an assessment so I did.

My on campus therapist referred me to the on campus psychiatrist and immediately I did not like the guy. He started by being like “yeah everyone thinks they’re dissociating but it’s always just autism or adhd”. I didn’t even think I had a problem with dissociation back then but I was pissed because you haven’t even heard me speak yet. As i started to describe my symptoms he interrupted me right after I started talking about my imaginary friends and said “that’s autism”. Mind you I have known this man for less than 2 minutes and at this point I had already been tested for autism and adhd two times and I’m sorry but I just don’t have it. I explain this and he’s like “sometimes they just don’t know how to test for it”. I restated that I think the result was accurate and he says (verbatim btw) “okay, whatever, do you what meds for your depression?” I said no and he said “come back if you change your mind” and ushered me out. Could not have been more than 7 minutes max.

Flash forward a couple of years it gets brought back up again with a different therapist and eventually I get diagnosed with OSDD. Still don’t have autism.

My point is I understand that dissociative disorders are notorious for being faked or exaggerated but instead of automatically dismissing people, mental health professionals should focus more on listening to people and less on finding their niche of disorders they like to work with and applying it to everyone.

But, I’m curious to hear other people’s perspectives and experiences on the subject.

I was only diagnosed with osdd recently and I was always confused about the hearing voices aspect. Like I don’t have auditory hallucinations in the sense that I hear things like some is talking to me from the outside, but I heard with osdd and did it can be more “internal” and I don’t know if this is what that means but I’ve always had voices in my mind that talk to me and I always just assumed they’re just thoughts I don’t consciously control. It’s always the same vibe when it’s coherent, like I have really bad casual dissociative tendencies so without intervention I will just stand and stare at something at a grocery store for upwards of 15 minutes without being able to think enough to figure out what I need to be doing and then said voice will chime in to get my attention and try to guide me through so I can get what I need at the store and go home.

But also it manifests as things I’m “overhearing” or sometimes thoughts that “chime in” as commentary. Like for an hour ish after I wake up in the morning there will be quiet conversations going on in the back of my mind that I’m not a part of and sometimes I’ll notice it and just think “what could you be talking about?” Or I’ll get snippets of the conversation and it’s about nothing I would have even begun to be thinking about at that point. But I always thought this was normal, and maybe it is, idk that’s why I’m asking. And with the commentary sometimes one of those voices will just chime in randomly to give an opinion on something but it’s not some “I” thought it’s just something that my mind said.

Either way I would love to heard some descriptions of how you experience hearing voices so I can get a better idea. Thanks!

Does anyone else just feel disoriented most of the time. Like not just moments where you’re out of it or you lose time or memories but just kind of exist in a state where thoughts, feelings, and memories are pretty much constant floating in and out of existence and you can’t pin down a solid mental state? I don’t know if I’m describing it correctly but I just feel like that’s the state I live in and I’m wondering if it’s my osdd or if there’s something else wrong with me.

Short post but I was just thinking about how the experience of being a female victim of csa is never really growing up. You’re just a child in an adult woman’s body. I feel like I will only ever be a child having sex with an adult man.

I had a bad somatic flashback the other day. I’m almost positive I’ve had them before but this is the first time I’ve been aware of what they are. I won’t go into details because it was really gruesome but it was one of the first things that I’ve experienced that has made it all tangible and real for me. I don’t have a lot of memories so I tend to default to the thought process that I could just be reading too much into things or maybe I have false memories but this was so direct and real that I find it hard to think around it.

Ok so I was just diagnosed with osdd and it was kind of a shock to me because I was aware of its existence but never thought it could be me. The primary reason being that I had been aware the “alters” in question for a long time and I always just thought of them as imaginary friends that I held onto for too long to deal with my psychological issues. Like I never felt like they took over or anything they were just voices in my head (not even hallucinations either more like intrusive internal conversations that I’m not consciously controlling) that helped me through my day. Not always helpful we do argue quite a bit but nevertheless. Like I do have some bad dissociative problems but almost never full black out. The worst I get is brief periods where I suddenly forget a large chunk of time and then it comes back it me slowly. I have chunks missing from my childhood but that’s normal for childhood trauma.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that i figured osdd and other dissociative disorders require you to be less conscious of the alters and dissociation. I know the names, appearances, and functions of all of mine and even if I didn’t sit down and say “ok time to create a new one” clearly I must have if I know that much about them.

Has anyone else with osdd experienced this or do I just have the wrong diagnosis. I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia before (different psychologist don’t worry) so it’s happened before but I’ve liked the person who diagnosed this and thought she was pretty good at her job.