Feeling total despair tonight
I’m having a particularly hard time tonight. The sheer desperation is consuming me. I am surrounded by pregnant women or friends who have just delivered. I’m almost 42. I’m furious with my husband for taking so fucking long to agree to start trying. I was already 41. Feels like sabotage.
I am such an optimistic person by nature and this has challenged the very core of my being. It’s a grief like nothing I’ve ever known.
And to make matters worse, my daughter is baby crazy. Asks constantly. Wants to admire every baby we pass in the street. I die a little more inside every day. It’s too much.
Every month I’m filled with so much hope. This period has been particularly brutal. Unbelievably heavy. A painful reminder of what my body cannot seem to do for me.
Why can’t I just be so grateful for the incredible child I have? I am so lost in this fading dream.