u/bettajinsoul

I am burned out, i cannot get myself to study and I seriously can do anything but do it. If I can get myself to study for it, I get exhausted afterwards; honestly during highschool, I've done nothing but study.. gosh I even did so much all nighters at that point, it gave me panic attacks, pressure, and stress.

Now I am in uni, I seriously cannot focus anymore. I don't have the motivation do it nor the will. Everything is just so overwhelming and tiring. Please help me how to get out of it.

Look, I have friends don't get me wrong, but having a "best friend" is a little stretch.

I can go on weeks to months not talking to my friends. I don't have support or any kind, and I am so just used on shouldering on my own.

When I was a kid til my teenage days, I was so afraid of being alone, I will literally find someone to eat with in the cafeteria or to hangout at school. Even if it means I'm a floater friend. I have this group of friends during middle school and bullied me but I still ended up hanging out with them because I refuse to be alone, and that just worsen my anxiety.

It took me years of struggling to accept that its okay to eat alone, walk alone, do something alone. And I actually glad I got courage to do because now I am so used to being alone for most of time. There's still that awkwardness but I learned that maybe it is peaceful for me to do this.

As for romantic relationship, I've given up on that as well. No one ever batted an eye for me, no one confessed, no romantic gestures, no approach. Can't even have crushes anymore too. They're just fantasies in my head, I always had scenarios in my head being loved by someone so that I will feel that I am loved too. Physical touches, dramatic confessions, marriage, sex, and having a family; even my standards in men. Though sometimes when I realized I am just making it up and they're not real, it honestly just breaks my heart.

But, it might be closest thing I'll ever be loved. And I know I will be lonely till the day I die, and I have accepted it. I am now independent and too comfortable with myself to have somebody — and I am fairly okay with it.

Okay bye!