u/bigelow6698

Picture this. Someone asks you a question. You have no idea how you are supposed to answer it. Maybe the question makes no sense. Maybe you do not know what the answer is. Perhaps you know what the answer is, but you are not sure how to put it into words. Maybe the answer is so bad that there is no way to articulate it that will not sound negative.

The scenario I am talking about is different from a situation where you simply do not feel like answering the question. If you just do not want to dignify the question with a response, the solution is simple, say one of these two things. Either; I do not want to talk about it or I do not feel comfortable answering that.

The scenario I am talking about is one where you would like to answer the question and have a productive conversation, but you do not know how.

Here is an idea for what to do.

Option #1: I do not know what the reason is.

Option #2: I suppose the thought just did not occur to me.

Option #3: Can I get back to you on that once I have figured out how to articulate an answer? I know in my head what the answer is, but I am not quite sure how to put it into words.

Option #4: Let me confirm some details and get back to you on that.

The first option works only with a why question. You are saying that you do not know why you did what you did or why something is the way it is. The second option works only with a why not question. The other person asked you why you did not do something and you are saying that you did not do it, because it did not occur to you to do it. The third and fourth options work with any type of question.

If you select option #3, you may want to consult the internet or talk to some friends to figure out the proper way to articulate an answer.

Option #4 applies when you are pretty sure what the answer is, but you want to examine the evidence and possibly consult a few people prior to giving a definitive answer. It is most likely to apply to simple yes or no questions, but it could apply to open ended questions too.

There is my plan for what to do if someone asks you a question and you do not know how to answer it. Do you think that it is a good plan? If not, tell me what you think a better plan would be.

I am all about self-improvement. The only thing more important to me than figuring out the best way to treat myself is figuring out the best way to treat others. If someone was negatively affected by something I said or did, I want to know how to correct my mistake.

Here is one awkward situation in which I have found myself a time or two. You offer someone an apology and they refuse to accept it.

Here is my plan for those situations.

The best apology is altered behavior. That said, telling the other person the changes you intend to make and asking them if there are any other changes they think you should make is even more important than uttering the word sorry. Maybe the other person is unwilling to forgive you. At least if you make clear your plan to change for the better, they will take solace in the knowledge that there will be less of the behavior they disapprove of going on in the world.

Ask what needs to be done.

Say this.

Tell me what you think I need to do in order to redeem myself.

What if the other person says that there is nothing you can do to redeem yourself?

Suggest never speaking to one another again.

This one is pretty simple. Just say this;

If what I did really was unforgivable, I assume you never want to talk to me or acknowledge my existence again right? I am willing to go with that if you are.

If the other person agrees with cutting ties, then do that. If, however, the other person feels that parting ways forever is going too far, then ask them what they believe a better alternative would be.

The other person might care enough about you that they want to keep you in their life but they are not willing to exonerate you for that specific action.

On the other hand…

What if you are the person not sure if you want to accept the apology?

This is what you should say;

You hurt me so bad, that the only type of forgiveness I would be willing to offer is release. In other words, I would be willing to let go of the feelings of bitterness, because being resentful would only hurt me. However, I can never trust you again. I believe that people have the potential to be rehabilitated. I am sure you have that potential in you. Just because you have the ability to become a better person does not mean that I want to be in your life when you undergo that transformation. I hope that you find a connection with someone else and that someone else sees a better version of you than the one that I saw.

The above paragraph assumes that you actually do not want to talk to the other person ever again. Maybe you believe that there is a middle ground between cutting the person out of your life entirely and restoring the relationship to the full state of innocence it would have had if the harmful act had never occurred. If that is the case, you tell me what that middle ground is.

That is my plan. If you think that there is something wrong with it, please tell me what you think the problem is and what the better alternative would be.

Picture this. Someone asks you a question. You have no idea how you are supposed to answer it. Maybe the question makes no sense. Maybe you do not know what the answer is. Perhaps you know what the answer is, but you are not sure how to put it into words. Maybe the answer is so bad that there is no way to articulate it that will not sound condescending.

The scenario I am talking about is different from a situation where you simply do not feel like answering the question. If you just do not want to dignify the question with a response, the solution is simple, say one of these two things. Either; I do not want to talk about it or I do not feel comfortable answering that.

The scenario I am talking about is one where you would like to answer the question and have a productive conversation, but you do not know how.

Here is an idea for what to do.

Option #1: I do not know what the reason is.

Option #2: I suppose the thought just did not occur to me.

Option #3: Can I get back to you on that once I have figured out how to articulate an answer? I know in my head what the answer is, but I am not quite sure how to put it into words.

Option #4: Let me confirm some details and get back to you on that.

The first option works only with a why question. You are saying that you do not know why you did what you did or why something is the way it is. The second option works only with a why not question. The other person asked you why you did not do something and you are saying that you did not do it, because it did not occur to you to do it. The third and fourth options work with any type of question.

If you select option #3, you may want to consult the internet or talk to some friends to figure out the proper way to articulate an answer.

Option #4 applies when you are pretty sure what the answer is, but you want to examine the evidence and possibly consult a few people prior to giving a definitive answer. It is most likely to apply to simple yes or no questions, but it could apply to open ended questions too.

There is my plan for what to do if someone asks you a question and you do not know how to answer it. Do you think that it is a good plan? If not, tell me what you think a better plan would be.

I have high functioning autism. I struggle to comprehend social cues. I make a habit of thinking before I speak. Sometimes, I think long and hard about what I say and it still does not land the way that I thought it would, because the person to whom I am communicating does not think the same way that I do.

I am here to tell you my plan for effective communication and conflict management and you tell me if you think that it is a good idea. If you do not think that my plan is a good one, present me with an alternative plan.

The situation that I want to discuss and figure out how to deal with is;

A person asking you what you are thinking and you not wanting to answer that question.

Some people say that they enjoy being asked that question and that some of the most interesting conversations they have ever had started that way.

However, there are likely at least a few people, maybe even a lot of people, who hear that question and think; If I wanted to say it out loud, I would have said it out loud.

I myself am not really sure how I feel about being asked that question. If you would rather not answer the question, there are a lot of things you can say. These things include but are not limited to;

Nothing important.

I would like to keep that to myself.

Nothing I am ready to explain.

I was just processing the day.

What do you think? Do you think the plan I described in this post is a good idea? Do you think it is a bad idea? Let me know.

First of all, ask what needs to be done.

Say this.

I offered you an apology and you will not accept it. Tell me what you think I need to do in order to redeem myself and then I will decide if your request is reasonable.

What if the other person says that there is nothing you can do to redeem yourself?

Suggest never speaking to one another again.

This one is pretty simple. Just say this;

If what I did really was unforgivable, I assume you never want to talk to me or acknowledge my existence again right? I am willing to go with that if you are.

If the other person agrees to part ways forever, do that. If, however, the other person feels that breaking contact altogether is going too far, then ask them what they think a better alternative would be.

I have high functioning autism. I struggle to comprehend social cues. I make a habit of thinking before I speak. Sometimes, I think long and hard about what I say and it still does not land the way that I thought it would, because the person to whom I am communicating does not think the same way that I do.

I am here to tell you my plan for effective communication and conflict management and you tell me if you think that it is a good idea. If you do not think that my plan is a good one, present me with an alternative plan.

The situation that I want to discuss and figure out how to deal with is;

A person asking you what you are thinking and you not wanting to answer that question.

Some people say that they enjoy being asked that question and that some of the most interesting conversations they have ever had started that way.

However, there are likely at least a few people, maybe even a lot of people, who hear that question and think; If I wanted to say it out loud, I would have said it out loud.

I myself am not really sure how I feel about being asked that question. If you would rather not answer the question, there are a lot of things you can say. These things include but are not limited to;

• Nothing important.
• I would like to keep that to myself.
• Nothing I am ready to explain.
• I was just processing the day.

What do you think? Do you think the plan I described in this post is a good idea? Do you think it is a bad idea? Let me know.

We already reached agreement, what more do you want?

Advice for perpetrators of this pet peeve:

Whatever it is you want the other person to do, ask them for that. If they have already given you exactly what you want, then shut up and move on.

Advice for victims of this pet peeve:

Say this:

What did you want from me that you did not get from me? You probably wanted me to admit that I was wrong. However, there is clearly more to it than that. If that were all that there was to it, the conversation would have ended, the second I admitted that I was wrong. Yet, you are still arguing with me even after I admitted that I was wrong. What was I supposed to have said/done by now that I have not said/done by now?

If you disagree with anything I said in this post, explain why. My beliefs are malleable. If you present me with a good enough argument, I might change my mind.

Is it only problematic when people of that gender do it, or is it inherently problematic regardless of gender? If you said the former, why? How do you figure that the behavior may or may not be problematic depending on the genitalia of the person? If, however, you said the latter, then what was the point of making it into a gender issue in the first place?

Advice for people who are guilty of this pet peeve:

Apply this standard to people regardless of gender, if the expectation is reasonable. If, however, the expectation is not reasonable, then never place the expectation upon anyone.

Advice for people who are victims of this pet peeve:

Ask them why they are making it into a gender issue.

Suppose that you are a man. Suppose that someone calls you out for crying and tells you to man up. You should respond with the following.

You feel that I should stop crying, because you would prefer that I not cry? What if I am so sad that I feel that it is worth crying about? What makes your opinion on what is and is not worth crying over any more relevant than mine? Just for the sake of argument, let us assume that crying really is a bad thing to do in this instance. Let’s assume that my right to cry really is surrendered because you made the decry that I am forbidden from crying. Why are we making it into a gender issue?

If you say the above paragraph, the other person will probably be confused. This is when you say;

You told me to stop crying and man up. Are you only against crying when men are the ones doing it, or are you opposed to crying regardless of gender? If you said that being a member of the male gender is the sole reason you never want me to cry ever, why? How do you figure that crying may or may not be okay depending upon the gender of the person whose tears they are? If, however, you are totally against crying no matter the genitalia of the person doing it, then what was the point of turning it into a gender issue in the first place?

I must ask three questions.

Q1: Do you also find phrases like you need to man up or that is not lady like to be offensive and have sexist undertones?

Q2: Do you agree with my advice for those guilty of promoting archaic gender stereotypes? Do you also believe that they should either apply the standard regardless of gender or not apply the standard at all depending on how reasonable the expectation is?

Q3: Do you or don't you agree with my recommended protocol for dealing with people who promote archaic gender roles?

Imagine someone makes you feel uncomfortable or scares you. Imagine you are the person doing the scaring, but you did not want to scare anybody.

I have compiled this list of tips that people should abide by avoid creeping people out.

1. If you need to check your phone in public, aim your phone away from people and/or use your hand to cover the lens.

Otherwise, strangers might think you are filming them.

2. Be very careful not to block anyone’s pathway to the exit.

While we are at it, if two or more people have to sit in a booth, the smallest person should sit at the end, so that their pathway is not blocked.

3. When hugging someone, be very careful not to squeeze them too hard.

If you squeeze someone too hard, you could throw their back out or even inflict injury.

4. When walking on the sidewalk, keep a safe distance from strange people who are also walking the same path.

They do not know you. They do not know if you have bad intentions. If you walk too close, you might make them feel uncomfortable. You should aim to maintain a distance of at least 20 feet. You may have to take a minute and stand still, so as to give the person a chance to get ahead of you.

While we are at it, if someone is close to crossing paths with you, you may want to consider crossing to the other side of the street and then crossing back over once they have passed.

5. Do not look at someone for too long without talking to them.

This will make them wonder why you are starring.

You might have that awkward moment where you want to talk to someone but you are nervous. This keeps you staring at them for too long without talking. If that is the case, wear sunglasses. This will make it impossible for the other person to discern what your eyes are focusing on. Once you work up the courage to start talking, you can remove the sunglasses, because the other person will want you to make eye contact.

6. Only flirt or ask someone out in situations where such a thing is encouraged.

Places you could do this include but are not limited to bars, clubs and singles events. This day in age, dating apps exist, you can use a dating service and learn something about them before you actually meet them in person.

Do not flirt with a fellow customer at MacDonald’s. High school and college students flirting with their fellow students is okay, under one condition. That one condition under which it is okay for a high school or college student to flirt with his or her fellow students while on campus happens to be the next tip.

7. When flirting or asking someone out, make sure that you and the other person are both able to leave.

If one of you is not able to leave (or worse if both of you are not allowed to leave) that creates an awkward situation. The rejecter feels concerned that the rejected person might not take well to the rejection. The rejected person feels awkward being forced to remain in the presence of someone who just rejected them. Both are worse off.

Imagine that a ninth grade girl is interested in a boy and she asks him out while on the school bus. Now imagine that he rejects her, because he simply does not reciprocate her interests. They are not able to leave, they have to ride the bus together after that.

The boy will feel uncomfortable. Some people just do not take rejection well, that could be the case with this hypothetical girl. He might be afraid that she will lash and yell at him. Perhaps she will demand an explanation behind the rejection. She might even hit him. Even if she is not the type of girl to act like that (most people would not act like that), how is he supposed to know? It is bad for the girl too, she likely feels awkward, having to ride the bus with someone who just rejected her. Both of them are worse off.

8. If you ask someone out and they reject you, do NOT demand an explanation.

You probably do not want to know what the reason is. The person who rejected you might not know what the reason is. The reason might be that they think you are ugly. You would not want to hear that. A woman who rejects the advances of a man might be doing so because he is short. He does not want/need to know that. A man who is not attracted to a woman might feel that way, because she is fat. She does not want/need to know that.

9. Compliments that are inherently sexual in nature should be a private matter between lovers.

Comments on a person’s breasts, back side or abdomen are inherently sexual and therefore you probably should not employ these with anyone besides your significant other, and even with your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse you should not do it in public. Do not tell anyone (besides your SO) that they are sexy, that they have a great butt, that their boobs look lovely or that they have a sexy belly.

If clothing is very revealing, you probably should not comment on it. I know what you are thinking. You are probably thinking that, if someone is wearing revealing clothing, they probably want attention. Perhaps the person in question is looking to flirt with someone and that someone is not you. The reality is that complimenting a woman on a shirt that happens to expose her cleavage usually sounds flirtatious. Consequently, it can either be perceived as complimentary or perceived as creepy, depending on whether or not the woman in question is interested in you. I am NOT saying that is fair, I am just saying that it happens.

10. Telling someone that the T-shirt they are wearing looks cool (assuming that the T-shirt is not too revealing) or that you love their hat is okay.

Here are a few examples of grey area compliments. Compliments of this nature may or may not be appropriate depending on context. You probably should not say these to your coworkers. If you work in customer service, you should not say these to customers. However, I see nothing wrong with saying this to a friend, maybe even a casual acquaintance. Saying these to a stranger at a grocery store can go either way.

Calling someone pretty, telling someone that their seven year old is cute, telling someone that their skirt/dress looks pretty.

11. Do NOT be incongruent.

If what you are saying and what you are doing do not match, that is a red flag that you have something to hide.

12. If you do not know someone very well, you probably should not engage in affection more than a high five or hand shake.

As you get to know someone better, touching their shoulder, hugging them, kissing them on the forehead might be appropriate. Consent is still important though.

If you are trying to get someone’s attention and your words are not doing the trick, gently tapping their shoulder is probably okay, even for someone you barely know.

Tapping someone’s shoulder to get their attention is one of the few instances where it is actually appropriate to touch someone without them knowing you are going to. Most of the time, it is extremely important to make sure the other person knows that the touch will happen before it does.

13. When in public, do not stand or sit too close to someone you do not feel like talking to.

When working out on an elliptical at the gym, make sure to choose a machine in between two machines that are not being used. That way, you will not have to work out next to someone. If you have to choose a machine with someone next to it, make sure to aim your eyes away from the other people on the other machines. The same applies to using urinals in a men’s rest room.

14. Do not flaunt your ability to over power someone.

Even if it is true, bragging about it makes it sound like that is what you want to do.

15. If you see a stranger who appears to be in distress, offer to call an ambulance.

Sometimes you should call 911 without even telling anyone that that is what you are doing and sometimes it is better to ask if that is necessary. It really depends on the circumstances.

Imagine a woman is crying in public. Some men would offer to help her. A lot of women get creeped out by that. Many of these women do not want to talk about it with someone they do not know. If a woman is willing to discuss it with someone she does not know, she would probably like a fellow lady to talk to. Imagine that the woman in question wants a man she does not know to come up and dry her tears. If a man walks up to her and asks her if she needs an ambulance to be called, she will ask him to listen while she vents. That is, if that is what she wants. If she needs medical attention, she will say yes to the offer to call 911. If she needs absolutely nothing from this strange man, then she will not ask for anything. When the man offers to call an ambulance, she will say no thank you and move on.

Understand that acting like a decent human being does NOT mean you deserve everything that you want.

The only thing you are entitled to for merely acting like a decent human being is the reasonable expectation that others will be that nice in return.

If you disagree with anything that I said, why do you disagree. If you agree with this list, are there any points that I missed, let me know. My beliefs are malleable. If you can convince me that I was wrong about something, my mind might change.

Suppose I am not really sure what I think about an issue. I just want to share some of the finer details about that issue. Remind my fellow reddit users of what ideological positions are available to them, ask them if there are any points that I am missing.

Surprisingly, the subreddit r/devilsadvocate is not good for this. The rules explicitly require you to put an unpopular opinion in the title.

If I were to make a post like the one I want to, the title would vaguely describe what the issue is. The post body would be me examining the problem without outright taking a stance.

I am looking for a subreddit where I can explain a very nuanced and carefully examined position I happen to have an a topic.

Imagine someone makes you feel uncomfortable or scares you. Imagine you are the person doing the scaring, but you did not want to scare anybody.

Women and children are overwhelmingly the ones vulnerable to being made to feel unsafe. When men are made to feel unsafe, the person causing the unsafe feeling is typically another man. That said, women can be creepy and make people feel unsafe too.

Being made to feel unsafe and accidentally making someone else feel unsafe are both really bad situations to be in.

If people (particularly but not exclusively men) can educate themselves on what kinds of behaviors make you look suspicious, these men can make their fellow human beings feel more comfortable.

I have compiled this list of tips that people should abide by avoid creeping people out.

1. If you need to check your phone in public, aim your phone away from people and/or use your hand to cover the lens.

Otherwise, strangers might think you are filming them.

2. Be very careful not to block anyone’s pathway to the exit.

While we are at it, if two or more people have to sit in a booth, the smallest person should sit at the end, so that their pathway is not blocked.

3. When hugging someone, be very careful not to squeeze them too hard.

If you squeeze someone too hard, you could throw their back out or even inflict injury.

4. When walking on the sidewalk, keep a safe distance from strange people who are also walking the same path.

They do not know you. They do not know if you have bad intentions. If you walk too close, you might make them feel uncomfortable. You should aim to maintain a distance of at least 20 feet. You may have to take a minute and stand still, so as to give the person a chance to get ahead of you.

While we are at it, if someone is close to crossing paths with you, you may want to consider crossing to the other side of the street and then crossing back over once they have passed.

5. Do not look at someone for too long without talking to them.

This will make them wonder why you are starring.

You might have that awkward moment where you want to talk to someone but you are nervous. This keeps you staring at them for too long without talking. If that is the case, wear sunglasses. This will make it impossible for the other person to discern what your eyes are focusing on. Once you work up the courage to start talking, you can remove the sunglasses, because the other person will want you to make eye contact.

6. Only flirt or ask someone out in situations where such a thing is encouraged.

Places you could do this include but are not limited to bars, clubs and singles events. This day in age, dating apps exist, you can use a dating service and learn something about them before you actually meet them in person.

Do not flirt with a fellow customer at MacDonald’s. High school and college students flirting with their fellow students is okay, under one condition. That one condition under which it is okay for a high school or college student to flirt with his or her fellow students while on campus happens to be the next tip.

7. When flirting or asking someone out, make sure that you and the other person are both able to leave.

If one of you is not able to leave (or worse if both of you are not allowed to leave) that creates an awkward situation. The rejecter feels concerned that the rejected person might not take well to the rejection. The rejected person feels awkward being forced to remain in the presence of someone who just rejected them. Both are worse off.

Imagine that a ninth grade girl is interested in a boy and she asks him out while on the school bus. Now imagine that he rejects her, because he simply does not reciprocate her interests. They are not able to leave, they have to ride the bus together after that.

The boy will feel uncomfortable. Some people just do not take rejection well, that could be the case with this hypothetical girl. He might be afraid that she will lash and yell at him. Perhaps she will demand an explanation behind the rejection. She might even hit him. Even if she is not the type of girl to act like that (most people would not act like that), how is he supposed to know? It is bad for the girl too, she likely feels awkward, having to ride the bus with someone who just rejected her. Both of them are worse off.

8. If you ask someone out and they reject you, do NOT demand an explanation.

You probably do not want to know what the reason is. The person who rejected you might not know what the reason is. The reason might be that they think you are ugly. You would not want to hear that. A woman who rejects the advances of a man might be doing so because he is short. He does not want/need to know that. A man who is not attracted to a woman might feel that way, because she is fat. She does not want/need to know that.

9. Compliments that are inherently sexual in nature should be a private matter between lovers.

Comments on a person’s breasts, back side or abdomen are inherently sexual and therefore you probably should not employ these with anyone besides your significant other, and even with your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse you should not do it in public. Do not tell anyone (besides your SO) that they are sexy, that they have a great butt, that their boobs look lovely or that they have a sexy belly.

If clothing is very revealing, you probably should not comment on it. I know what you are thinking. You are probably thinking that, if someone is wearing revealing clothing, they probably want attention. Perhaps the person in question is looking to flirt with someone and that someone is not you. The reality is that complimenting a woman on a shirt that happens to expose her cleavage usually sounds flirtatious. Consequently, it can either be perceived as complimentary or perceived as creepy, depending on whether or not the woman in question is interested in you. I am NOT saying that is fair, I am just saying that it happens.

10. Telling someone that the T-shirt they are wearing looks cool (assuming that the T-shirt is not too revealing) or that you love their hat is okay.

Here are a few examples of grey area compliments. Compliments of this nature may or may not be appropriate depending on context. You probably should not say these to your coworkers. If you work in customer service, you should not say these to customers. However, I see nothing wrong with saying this to a friend, maybe even a casual acquaintance. Saying these to a stranger at a grocery store can go either way.

Calling someone pretty, telling someone that their seven year old is cute, telling someone that their skirt/dress looks pretty.

11. Do NOT be incongruent.

If what you are saying and what you are doing do not match, that is a red flag that you have something to hide.

12. If you do not know someone very well, you probably should not engage in affection more than a high five or hand shake.

As you get to know someone better, touching their shoulder, hugging them, kissing them on the forehead might be appropriate. Consent is still important though.

If you are trying to get someone’s attention and your words are not doing the trick, gently tapping their shoulder is probably okay, even for someone you barely know.

Tapping someone’s shoulder to get their attention is one of the few instances where it is actually appropriate to touch someone without them knowing you are going to. Most of the time, it is extremely important to make sure the other person knows that the touch will happen before it does.

13. When in public, do not stand or sit too close to someone you do not feel like talking to.

When working out on an elliptical at the gym, make sure to choose a machine in between two machines that are not being used. That way, you will not have to work out next to someone. If you have to choose a machine with someone next to it, make sure to aim your eyes away from the other people on the other machines. The same applies to using urinals in a men’s rest room.

14. Do not flaunt your ability to over power someone.

Even if it is true, bragging about it makes it sound like that is what you want to do.

15. If you see a stranger who appears to be in distress, offer to call an ambulance.

Sometimes you should call 911 without even telling anyone that that is what you are doing and sometimes it is better to ask if that is necessary. It really depends on the circumstances.

Imagine a woman is crying in public. Some men would offer to help her. A lot of women get creeped out by that. Many of these women do not want to talk about it with someone they do not know. If a woman is willing to discuss it with someone she does not know, she would probably like a fellow lady to talk to. Imagine that the woman in question wants a man she does not know to come up and dry her tears. If a man walks up to her and asks her if she needs an ambulance to be called, she will ask him to listen while she vents. That is, if that is what she wants. If she needs medical attention, she will say yes to the offer to call 911. If she needs absolutely nothing from this strange man, then she will not ask for anything. When the man offers to call an ambulance, she will say no thank you and move on.

Understand that acting like a decent human being does NOT mean you deserve everything that you want.

The only thing you are entitled to for merely acting like a decent human being is the reasonable expectation that others will be that nice in return.

If you disagree with anything that I said, why do you disagree. If you agree with this list, are there any points that I missed, let me know. My beliefs are malleable. If you can convince me that I was wrong about something, my mind might change.

Imagine someone makes you feel uncomfortable or scares you. Imagine you are the person doing the scaring, but you did not want to scare anybody.

Women and children are overwhelmingly the ones vulnerable to being made to feel unsafe. When men are made to feel unsafe, the person causing the unsafe feeling is typically another man. That said, women can be creepy and make people feel unsafe too.

Being made to feel unsafe and accidentally making someone else feel unsafe are both really bad situations to be in.

If people (particularly but not exclusively men) can educate themselves on what kinds of behaviors make you look suspicious, these men can make their fellow human beings feel more comfortable.

I have compiled this list of tips that people should abide by avoid creeping people out.

1. If you need to check your phone in public, aim your phone away from people and/or use your hand to cover the lens.

Otherwise, strangers might think you are filming them.

2. Be very careful not to block anyone’s pathway to the exit.

While we are at it, if two or more people have to sit in a booth, the smallest person should sit at the end, so that their pathway is not blocked.

3. When hugging someone, be very careful not to squeeze them too hard.

If you squeeze someone too hard, you could throw their back out or even inflict injury.

4. When walking on the sidewalk, keep a safe distance from strange people who are also walking the same path.

They do not know you. They do not know if you have bad intentions. If you walk too close, you might make them feel uncomfortable. You should aim to maintain a distance of at least 20 feet. You may have to take a minute and stand still, so as to give the person a chance to get ahead of you.

While we are at it, if someone is close to crossing paths with you, you may want to consider crossing to the other side of the street and then crossing back over once they have passed.

5. Do not look at someone for too long without talking to them.

This will make them wonder why you are starring.

You might have that awkward moment where you want to talk to someone but you are nervous. This keeps you staring at them for too long without talking. If that is the case, wear sunglasses. This will make it impossible for the other person to discern what your eyes are focusing on. Once you work up the courage to start talking, you can remove the sunglasses, because the other person will want you to make eye contact.

6. Only flirt or ask someone out in situations where such a thing is encouraged.

Places you could do this include but are not limited to bars, clubs and singles events. This day in age, dating apps exist, you can use a dating service and learn something about them before you actually meet them in person.

Do not flirt with a fellow customer at MacDonald’s. High school and college students flirting with their fellow students is okay, under one condition. That one condition under which it is okay for a high school or college student to flirt with his or her fellow students while on campus happens to be the next tip.

7. When flirting or asking someone out, make sure that you and the other person are both able to leave.

If one of you is not able to leave (or worse if both of you are not allowed to leave) that creates an awkward situation. The rejecter feels concerned that the rejected person might not take well to the rejection. The rejected person feels awkward being forced to remain in the presence of someone who just rejected them. Both are worse off.

Imagine that a ninth grade girl is interested in a boy and she asks him out while on the school bus. Now imagine that he rejects her, because he simply does not reciprocate her interests. They are not able to leave, they have to ride the bus together after that.

The boy will feel uncomfortable. Some people just do not take rejection well, that could be the case with this hypothetical girl. He might be afraid that she will lash and yell at him. Perhaps she will demand an explanation behind the rejection. She might even hit him. Even if she is not the type of girl to act like that (most people would not act like that), how is he supposed to know? It is bad for the girl too, she likely feels awkward, having to ride the bus with someone who just rejected her. Both of them are worse off.

8. If you ask someone out and they reject you, do NOT demand an explanation.

You probably do not want to know what the reason is. The person who rejected you might not know what the reason is. The reason might be that they think you are ugly. You would not want to hear that. A woman who rejects the advances of a man might be doing so because he is short. He does not want/need to know that. A man who is not attracted to a woman might feel that way, because she is fat. She does not want/need to know that.

9. Compliments that are inherently sexual in nature should be a private matter between lovers.

Comments on a person’s breasts, back side or abdomen are inherently sexual and therefore you probably should not employ these with anyone besides your significant other, and even with your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse you should not do it in public. Do not tell anyone (besides your SO) that they are sexy, that they have a great butt, that their boobs look lovely or that they have a sexy belly.

If clothing is very revealing, you probably should not comment on it. I know what you are thinking. You are probably thinking that, if someone is wearing revealing clothing, they probably want attention. Perhaps the person in question is looking to flirt with someone and that someone is not you. The reality is that complimenting a woman on a shirt that happens to expose her cleavage usually sounds flirtatious. Consequently, it can either be perceived as complimentary or perceived as creepy, depending on whether or not the woman in question is interested in you. I am NOT saying that is fair, I am just saying that it happens.

10. Telling someone that the T-shirt they are wearing looks cool (assuming that the T-shirt is not too revealing) or that you love their hat is okay.

Here are a few examples of grey area compliments. Compliments of this nature may or may not be appropriate depending on context. You probably should not say these to your coworkers. If you work in customer service, you should not say these to customers. However, I see nothing wrong with saying this to a friend, maybe even a casual acquaintance. Saying these to a stranger at a grocery store can go either way.

Calling someone pretty, telling someone that their seven year old is cute, telling someone that their skirt/dress looks pretty.

11. Do NOT be incongruent.

If what you are saying and what you are doing do not match, that is a red flag that you have something to hide.

12. If you do not know someone very well, you probably should not engage in affection more than a high five or hand shake.

As you get to know someone better, touching their shoulder, hugging them, kissing them on the forehead might be appropriate. Consent is still important though.

If you are trying to get someone’s attention and your words are not doing the trick, gently tapping their shoulder is probably okay, even for someone you barely know.

Tapping someone’s shoulder to get their attention is one of the few instances where it is actually appropriate to touch someone without them knowing you are going to. Most of the time, it is extremely important to make sure the other person knows that the touch will happen before it does.

13. When in public, do not stand or sit too close to someone you do not feel like talking to.

When working out on an elliptical at the gym, make sure to choose a machine in between two machines that are not being used. That way, you will not have to work out next to someone. If you have to choose a machine with someone next to it, make sure to aim your eyes away from the other people on the other machines. The same applies to using urinals in a men’s rest room.

14. Do not flaunt your ability to over power someone.

Even if it is true, bragging about it makes it sound like that is what you want to do.

15. If you see a stranger who appears to be in distress, offer to call an ambulance.

Sometimes you should call 911 without even telling anyone that that is what you are doing and sometimes it is better to ask if that is necessary. It really depends on the circumstances.

Imagine a woman is crying in public. Some men would offer to help her. A lot of women get creeped out by that. Many of these women do not want to talk about it with someone they do not know. If a woman is willing to discuss it with someone she does not know, she would probably like a fellow lady to talk to. Imagine that the woman in question wants a man she does not know to come up and dry her tears. If a man walks up to her and asks her if she needs an ambulance to be called, she will ask him to listen while she vents. That is, if that is what she wants. If she needs medical attention, she will say yes to the offer to call 911. If she needs absolutely nothing from this strange man, then she will not ask for anything. When the man offers to call an ambulance, she will say no thank you and move on.

Understand that acting like a decent human being does NOT mean you deserve everything that you want.

The only thing you are entitled to for merely acting like a decent human being is the reasonable expectation that others will be that nice in return.

If you disagree with anything that I said, why do you disagree. If you agree with this list, are there any points that I missed, let me know. My beliefs are malleable. If you can convince me that I was wrong about something, my mind might change.

I have high functioning autism. Everything that I say should probably be seen, heard and understood in that context.

Being a good person (in theory) is as simple as doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you. In theory, it is that simple, but that is often easier said than done.

The way you want to be treated and the way someone else wants to be treated may be two different things. Just because you want something does not mean that you are entitled to it. Therefore, you cannot also justify your belief that someone else owes you something with the logic that you would offer it to anyone who wants it without a second thought. What you want might not necessarily be what is good for you. Others may deny you something you want, because they know what is best for you. Fairness and equality are not necessarily the same thing. While equal means the same, fair means everyone having what they need. Your needs may be different from someone else’s. The way you want to be treated, you may not realize that is how you want to be treated until you are actually treated that way.

I have done some research and drafted a list of ideas for the proper way to be polite charismatic and charming. You tell me if you think these are good ideas.

1. Place the positive statement after the negative one.

Do not say; I appreciate your offer, but I am going to have to refuse.

Instead say; I am going to have to refuse, but I appreciate your offer.

2. Do not say “no problem” in response to thank you.

This makes it seem like no big deal or that the thank you was not necessary.

Instead say; Any time.

3. Always give up your seat for a guest.

You live there, you get to enjoy the comfort of that home anytime you want. These people are your guests, they should get to enjoy that comfort during the brief period of time that they are visiting your home.

4. Give your seat on public transport for elderly people, disabled people and pregnant women.

These people are particularly prone to tiredness and muscle soreness. Therefore, they need that seat more than you do.

5. There are certain things you should not point out, even if they are true.

Here are a few examples of things you should not point out even if they are true;

• A person looks pregnant.

I use gender neutral vocabulary, because we are talking about looking pregnant, not actually being pregnant. While child bearing is a uniquely female experience, people of both sexes can get so fat that they look pregnant without actually being pregnant.

While we are at it, never ask someone if they are pregnant, even as a joke.

• A person looks tired.

Looking tired is a bad thing. Having that pointed out is a source of embarrassment.

• Someone is stupid.

Obviously stupid people exist. It is not always their fault that they are stupid. If you have any advice for how they can become less stupid, just offer the advice and skip over the childish name calling. If, however, you believe that they are a lost cause, then what are you doing having this conversation to begin with?

6. As a rule of thumb, never negatively judge someone on a physical attribute that cannot be fixed in 5 minutes.

This one walks hand in hand with the last one.

If someone's hair is messed up and there is a comb or hair brush nearby that can be used to fix their hair, that is acceptable to point out. If someone is dressed casually and you feel that they should be dressed formally (or vice versa) that is acceptable to point out.

If someone is much taller or shorter than average, there is nothing that can be done about that. Height is genetic. Pointing that out (especially as a complaint or malicious personal attack) is rude.

Weight is not out of your control in the same way that height or skin color is. A person who is overweight could reach a healthy body weight by eating less and exercising more. A person who is underweight could reach a healthy weight by building muscle and consuming a nutritionally sufficient diet. However, fixing a weight problem is not as easy or as quick as combing your hair or changing your clothes. While a person who is wearing a red shirt could change into a blue shirt in 45 seconds, losing or gaining 15 pounds takes weeks if not months. Besides, you cannot control your weight down to the pound.

7. Do not hang your head in shame when admitting to a mistake.

This makes it seem worse. Also, this makes you an easy target for bullies.

Instead, make eye contact, smile and say something like; That was my bad.

8. Make eye contact when talking to someone.

While we are at it, do not cross your arms. Also, stand/sit up straight; it is better for your back.

9. Do not reach under your clothing to scratch yourself when others are around.

Instead enter a room where you can scratch in private. This only refers to reaching under your clothes. Scratching outside the clothes or scratching a body part that is not covered by clothing (like your forearm) is probably okay.

10. How to get the attention of a stranger.

Most of the time, when you want to talk to someone, you will know the person’s name and you could just call them by their name.

If you work in customer service, you will need to figure out a polite way to get someone’s attention without calling their name, since you likely will not know the customer’s name.

Do not point to them or say “hey you.”

What should you say and what hand gesture should you make?

Wave to the person and say “excuse me.”

11. How to fart in public.

Always make sure you have gas x on you. That way, if you begin to get flatulent, you can take a pill and extinguish the problem. If you have to fart, stand somewhere no one is close enough to smell it or hear it. Muffle it if you can. In other words, let it out slowly and gently and hope it is silent.

Do you agree with these ideas? Are there any other tips, tricks and life hacks you think I should use to be charming and polite? Let me know.

The phrase Honor Your Father and Mother comes from the Bible. That said, a lot of people (myself included) find it to be a pretty impactful quote, despite not being religious at all.

Remember, to honor someone does not simply mean that you treat them as an authority. Honoring someone typically entails treating someone as an authority and viewing yourself as the underling, but there is more to it than that.

My question for all the people who have children is this. What does it mean to honor your parents?

The reason why we get far angrier at the victim for not taking the proper precaution to avoid being victimized than we do at the perpetrator for committing the crime has a lot to do with moral values.

Any time that you fall victim to an injustice, someone will not only get mad at you, but get way angrier at you then the person who committed the injustice.

Why do people blame and shame the victim? The short answer is that some people are just jerks. The longer answer, they are too cowardly to accept the reality that life is not fair. This is called the just world hypothesis. The just world hypothesis is a psychological phenomenon where people fool themselves into the absurd notion that the world is fair and everyone always gets what they deserve all the time. I do not mean to defend victim blamers, but it is scary to realize that not only do bad things happen, not only do bad things happen for the stupidest reasons, bad things can happen for literally no reason. It is much easier to say what the victim should have done in a situation to avoid a bad outcome, especially when it is after the fact it is too late to do anything about it.

There are certain situations where the potential victim did not take precautions to avoid being victimized. In that scenario, it is correct to assess that the victim demonstrated bad judgement. However, bad judgement from the victim does not mean that the victim deserved it. It is the potential perpetrator's responsibility to not commit the crime, not the potential victim’s responsibility to avoid being victimized.

Imagine that your friend, who was a victim of abuse, returned to her abuser. I propose that you should offer support to your friend. You should place 100% of the blame for the abuse on the abuser and hold the victim completely blameless.

This is what you should say to the victim.

You are running the risk of being abused by going back to him. I hope you understand that any abuse that you suffer is NOT your fault. If you go back to him and he abuses you, that is still NOT your fault. It is, after all, the potential perpetrator's responsibility to not commit the crime, not the potential victim’s responsibility to avoid being victimized. I actually think that you are a good person. You tend to see the good in people, that is why you believe that your boyfriend will stop with the abuse. I want to let you know that if you decide to leave the relationship, I would happily provide you with all the love, affection and support in the world and I would not fault you for a second.

The above paragraph is what I would recommend saying if you want to encourage a domestic abuse survivor to leave the relationship. You should NOT blame and shame the domestic abuse survivor for returning to the relationship.

Here are my reasons behind that belief.

Reason #1: The potential victim cannot bring his/her risk of being victimized to zero. The potential perpetrator can bring his/her risk of committing an injustice to zero.

Imagine a woman, let’s call her Angie, attends a frat party. She opts not to get drunk and she dresses modestly. She does this, because she fears that rapists could be at this party. Now imagine that Angie is correct and there is a rapist at the party. Dressing modestly and opting not to drink alcohol does decrease the odds that someone will assault Angie, but there is still a non-zero chance that someone will victimize Angie.

Imagine a different woman, let’s call her Michelle. Michelle attends a frat party wearing a crop top and short shorts. Michelle gets drunk and passes out. Now imagine that none of the people, who know where Michelle is and have access to her, are rapists.

Even though Angie took precautions to avoid being abused and Michelle did not, Angie is in more danger than Michelle, because Angie is in the presence of a predator and Michelle is not.

Reason #2: There is no harm in feeling sympathy for the victim regardless of what precautions the victim took or did not take. There is plenty of harm in reserving sympathy for those who have perfect judgement.

Multiple statistics have shown that, if you blame and shame the victim, it makes the victim more likely to experience PTSD and deters future victims from coming forward for fear that they will be blamed and shamed.

Do you believe that the victim should be blamed and shamed for not taking the proper precautions to avoid being victimized? If there is even one precaution the victim could have taken that he/she did not, should that preclude the victim from receiving any sympathy or support?

If you say no to both of the above questions, I agree with you. If you said yes to one or both of the above questions, this is what you must do to justify that belief. Not only must you explain what terrible awful horrible thing would happen if you feel sympathy for the victim despite their bad judgement, you must demonstrate that such an outcome is worse than the outcome where more people experience PTSD and future victims are afraid to come forward.

Reason #3: An explanation as to why a domestic abuse survivor would go back to their abuser lies in the fundamental flaws of human nature.

Hostages and domestic abuse survivors often begin to feel loyalty and affection toward their captors or abusers. These victims may view the abuser or hostage as a protector. These victims hold this view as a survival mechanism. The captor or abuser wields power over the victim, so the victim feels an intense need to placate their abuser or captor. This shift in perception is a form of trauma bonding and self-preservation. This psychological phenomenon is called Stockholm Syndrome, it was named in reference to a bank robbery where the hostages bonded with the robber as a coping strategy.

A domestic abuse survivor, who returns to their abuser, might have Stockholm syndrome. If that is the case, then the explanation for why the completely blameless victim returned to his/her abuser lies in the fundamental flaws of human nature.

Reason #4: The victim may have “allowed themselves to be abused” for lack of a better term, because they have such low confidence that they feel that they deserved to be abused.

Being abused makes you feel humiliated, powerless and inferior. This makes the victim afraid to stand up for himself/herself. If you blame and shame the victim for not taking the proper precautions to avoid being victimized, this makes the victim less confident. It is a vicious cycle.

Finally, I have saved the most important reason for last.

Reason #5: The same people who victim blame will also call you paranoid if you do take precautions to avoid being victimized.

If you leave your keys in the ignition when you enter the gas station, you will be blamed and shamed for doing that. However, if you compulsively lock your car doors any time you exit your car, people will make fun of you for being pathologically suspicious. These people who victim blame you for not protecting yourself and the people who tell you that you need to take a chill pill when you do protect yourself are often (not always, but often) the same people.

If a woman goes to a guy’s home on their first date and then he sexually assaults her, people will call her stupid for going to his house on the first date when she did not know him that well. If she wants to have her friends vet him before she dares step foot in his house, people will say that she obviously has daddy issues if she is this fearful of men.

I wanted to ask you two questions.

Question #1: Do you agree with me recommended word choice for offering support to an abuse survivor?

If not, what should you say to an abuse survivor to offer support and convince them to leave the relationship?

Question #2: What are some arguments you often hear from people who believe that victims should be blamed and shamed?

What would you say to someone who made such a ridiculous argument?

Let me know.

There was that one episode where Allan showed Charlie how to use the washing machine. Charlie was not sure how you knew when the load was done and Allan jokingly said that a call is sent to your phone.

Today, washing machines like that actually exist.

https://www.google.com/search?q=they+make+washing+machines+that+send+notifications+to+your+phone+when+your+load+is+done&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS959US960&oq=they+make+washing+machines+that+send+notifications+to+your+phone+when+your+load+is+done&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQIRiPAtIBCTE5MTU5ajBqN6gCALACAA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8