u/bigelow6698

I will describe the post I intend to make, you tell me what subreddits, if any, would be a good place to have that discussion.

The post would be titled;

If you compliment a woman on revealing clothing, it could be taken "the wrong way."

The post itself would read as follows.

I am a man in my late 20’s. I work concessions in an arena.

I usually engage in a little harmless flattery when interacting with customers. It is considered rude to comment on a customer’s appearance. It is rude to tell someone that they look sexy, point out that a woman is busty, ask someone how much they weigh, etc.

That said, it is okay (in most cases) to tell someone that the clothes they are wearing look cool. I have told many customers that those shoes are lovely, that I love their sweaters, etc. If someone is wearing a Friends T-shirt, I might make an inside joke, say something like; Could you be wearing a cooler shirt? If someone is wearing a Cobra Kai T-shirt, I might say; Fear does not exist in this arena, does it?

A little while ago this happened. A woman was wearing a top that exposed her cleavage. I do not remember what I said verbatim. I think it was something along the lines of; I love your top.

Fast forward about a half hour, business was slow, a female coworker (who was also working as a cashier in that particular outlet) insisted on talking to me and offering constructive criticism. She heard what I said to the aforementioned customer and noticed that the customer was wearing a slightly revealing top. The female worker said that, when you say that about a top that exposes cleavage, it sounds like you where flirting with her or like an admission that you were looking at her boobs.

Notice how specifically she worded that. She made it very clear that she was talking specifically about tops that expose cleavage. That was not the only customer I had complimented on the shirts they were wearing, but that was the only instance where the customer happened to be wearing a top that was exposing cleavage.

This is when I told the female coworker about my self-improvement journal and informed her of my plan to document this in it. The resolution I put in my journal is as follows. If a customer is wearing revealing clothes, I will not say anything about the revealing clothes. I will pretend that the revealing clothes do not exist. To be clear, if a customer is clothed more modestly, it is okay to tell them they are wearing a cool looking sweater. Complimenting someone on their earrings is probably okay.

I told this story to my sister-in-law. She said that anyone who did not want to receive a compliment like that would not be dressed like that.

After my sister-in-law said that, I began to think more about this issue.

Here are my thoughts.

• My sister-in-law had the right idea but made the wrong word choice.

A woman who dresses like that might not necessarily want to be complimented on the clothing. She may have worn it simply because she wanted to.

That said, if the customer did not want to be sexualized, then that means that she has motives for dressing like that other than being sexualized. If a woman who dresses like that does not necessarily want to be sexualized, then a man who compliments a woman on those clothes does not necessarily intend it in a sexual way.

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot say that a woman who dresses like that does not necessarily want to be sexualized and then say that any man who compliments her on those clothes is clearly trying to sexualize her.

That is the logical stance to take. However, the human brain does not reason robotically. Not only do we, as human beings, often experience intense irrational feelings, we know that those feelings are irrational while we are experiencing them.

• This is what my coworker should have said.

If you compliment a woman on a shirt that exposes her cleavage, she might interpret it as you flirting with her or an admission that you were starring at her boobs. I am not saying that that is is how she felt necessarily, it might not have been, but that could happen and it is not worth the risk.

The above paragraph is what my coworker should have said. A sentiment, like the one described above, carries with it the sense of; I’m not saying that this is fair, I’m just saying that it happens.

Compare what I think my coworker should have said and what my coworker actually said. What my coworker should have said was a warning that, even if what I said was intended in a non-sexual manner, people may take it the wrong way.

What my coworker actually said was not a warning that people might take it the wrong way. What she was saying was that, if I compliment a customer on her shirt (that exposes her cleavage) and she interprets it a flirtatious or an admission that I was starring at her boobs, that would be the right way to take it.

I am a man in my late 20’s. I work concessions in an arena.

I usually engage in a little harmless flattery when interacting with customers. It is considered rude to comment on a customer’s appearance. It is rude to tell someone that they look sexy, point out that a woman is busty, ask someone how much they weigh, etc.

That said, it is okay (in most cases) to tell someone that the clothes they are wearing look cool. I have told many customers that those shoes are lovely, that I love their sweaters, etc. If someone is wearing a Friends T-shirt, I might make an inside joke, say something like; Could you be wearing a cooler shirt? If someone is wearing a Cobra Kai T-shirt, I might say; Fear does not exist in this arena, does it?

A little while ago this happened. A woman was wearing a top that exposed her cleavage. I do not remember what I said verbatim. I think it was something along the lines of; I love your top.

Fast forward about a half hour, business was slow, a female coworker (who was also working as a cashier in that particular outlet) insisted on talking to me and offering constructive criticism. She heard what I said to the aforementioned customer and noticed that the customer was wearing a slightly revealing top. The female worker said that, when you say that about a top that exposes cleavage, it sounds like you where flirting with her or like an admission that you were looking at her boobs.

Notice how specifically she worded that. She made it very clear that she was talking specifically about tops that expose cleavage. That was not the only customer I had complimented on the shirts they were wearing, but that was the only instance where the customer happened to be wearing a top that was exposing cleavage.

This is when I told the female coworker about my self-improvement journal and informed her of my plan to document this in it. The resolution I put in my journal is as follows. If a customer is wearing revealing clothes, I will not say anything about the revealing clothes. I will pretend that the revealing clothes do not exist. To be clear, if a customer is clothed more modestly, it is okay to tell them they are wearing a cool looking sweater. Complimenting someone on their earrings is probably okay.

I told this story to my sister-in-law. She said that anyone who did not want to receive a compliment like that would not be dressed like that.

After my sister-in-law said that, I began to think more about this issue.

Here are my thoughts.

• My sister-in-law had the right idea but made the wrong word choice.

A woman who dresses like that might not necessarily want to be complimented on the clothing. She may have worn it simply because she wanted to.

That said, if the customer did not want to be sexualized, then that means that she has motives for dressing like that other than being sexualized. If a woman who dresses like that does not necessarily want to be sexualized, then a man who compliments a woman on those clothes does not necessarily intend it in a sexual way.

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot say that a woman who dresses like that does not necessarily want to be sexualized and then say that any man who compliments her on those clothes is clearly trying to sexualize her.

That is the logical stance to take. However, the human brain does not reason robotically. Not only do we, as human beings, often experience intense irrational feelings, we know that those feelings are irrational while we are experiencing them.

• This is what my coworker should have said.

If you compliment a woman on a shirt that exposes her cleavage, she might interpret it as you flirting with her or an admission that you were starring at her boobs. I am not saying that that is is how she felt necessarily, it might not have been, but that could happen and it is not worth the risk.

The above paragraph is what my coworker should have said. A sentiment, like the one described above, carries with it the sense of; I’m not saying that this is fair, I’m just saying that it happens.

Compare what I think my coworker should have said and what my coworker actually said. What my coworker should have said was a warning that, even if what I said was intended in a non-sexual manner, people may take it the wrong way.

What my coworker actually said was not a warning that people might take it the wrong way. What she was saying was that, if I compliment a customer on her shirt (that exposes her cleavage) and she interprets it a flirtatious or an admission that I was starring at her boobs, that would be the right way to take it.

I am a cis gendered male in my mid to late 20's. The other day, I went to the doctor to get blood work done. I was sitting in the waiting room, several other patients were also there. There was a lady there with her toddler (I am guessing the kid was about three).

The little girl was sitting on her mother's lap when she (the daughter) waved to me. I waved back just to be polite. The girl got up, walked around the room and walked up to and made eye contact with several people (including me). I as well as the other patients all commented that the child was very friendly.

Here is where it gets weird (at least it seemed that way to me). At one point, this toddler walked up to me, looked me in the eye and placed her hand on my knee cap.

Through out this entire experience, the child said absolutely nothing that I could understand. The little girl did, however, do an awful lot of incoherent babbling. The mother said absolutely nothing the entire time.

I know that some people just come out the womb naturally cuddly. Furthermore, children lack the emotional maturity to comprehend social cues. If a child is genetically predisposed to being affectionate, the child will experience an intense desire to make physical contact with people. That is probably normal. However, is it normal for parents to react with complete indifference when their children do that? That is what I am not so sure about. Let me know if you would be completely indifferent if your child were touchy-feely with a strange adult man.