u/blackdevilcar

I'm 20 and from Singapore, and I'm looking for advice, especially from anyone who grew up in a religious/conservative family or has been through something similar.

I'm queer and ex-Muslim, but my family is very religious and strongly against LGBTQ+ people and people who leave Islam. I've heard them talk negatively about both groups many times, which is why I've been terrified of telling them who I actually am.

I've also always felt very restricted at home. I'm expected to practise a religion I no longer believe in, including praying and wearing the hijab, and I don't want to spend my life pretending to have beliefs that I don't have. Dating is also not allowed, and there is a lot of pressure around marriage, including expectations around arranged marriage once we become adults. I don't want my future relationships or marriage to be decided by my family.

Because of all of this, I've been planning to move out for years. This wasn't an impulsive decision. I saved money, secured a job, found a place, prepared my belongings and eventually moved out without telling my family beforehand. I left a long letter explaining that I love them and appreciate everything they've done for me, but need the freedom to live according to my own values. I also told them that I'm queer and ex-Muslim because I felt that I couldn't continue hiding it.

I had already moved my stuff to the new place before leaving. I had somewhere to stay, money saved, and a job, so I wasn't leaving with no plan. My brother and sis in law found the letter before my parents did and took it away so my parents wouldn't see it. They kept calling me that night and begging me to come home.

This is the part I'm having the hardest time explaining, because from the outside it probably looks like I simply changed my mind and chose to go back.

I know my friends think I was manipulated, and I understand why they see it that way. My brother was extremely emotional and told me that our parents are getting older and aren't in the best health, and asked whether I would feel guilty if something happened to them, like if they died. He also told me that he has always seen me like his own child and that he would care for me forever.

He and my sis in law told me that they accepted me, that they loved me, and that they wanted to help me eventually have the life I wanted while still being part of the family. They also told me that they were planning to move out themselves later this year and that I could potentially go with them.

I asked them to give me some time before coming back, but it was already very late at night. They had told my parents that they had found me and had picked me up, and they didn't want to go back without me. They simply told my parents that I had lost track of time while I was out with friends. I was super exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed and I felt like I had no other choice.

I don't mean that they physically forced me into the car or that I literally had no ability to refuse. I mean that emotionally, I couldn't see another option that I could actually handle at that moment.I had spent years preparing myself to leave because I believed I had to choose between my freedom and my family. Then suddenly, the two people I trusted most in my family were telling me that maybe I didn't have to choose. They were saying that they accepted me and that they would help me build the life I wanted while still having my family.

I love my family. I never wanted to leave because I stopped loving them. What I wanted was acceptance. So when my brother and sis in law told me that they accepted me, part of me desperately wanted to believe them. I wasn't thinking, "I want to give up my independence." I was thinking, "Maybe I don't have to lose everyone I love just to be myself." It was incredibly difficult to keep saying no when they were so emotional and telling me how much I meant to them. I felt guilty, scared, exhausted and confused all at once, so I went back.

I know technically I could have continued with my plan, but emotionally, in that moment, I genuinely felt like I had no other choice. I couldn't bring myself to walk away when they were telling me all of that. It made me feel extremely guilty.

However, the next day, my brother and sis in law started asking me a lot of questions about why I left Islam and what I believe.

When I said that I simply don't believe in Islam anymore, they kept asking me to explain why and what specific values I disagreed with. I gave them surface-level reasons because I knew they might not understand, especially because they are religious and I have heard them speak negatively about people who have left the religion.

When I mentioned things like gender roles and not being able to express myself freely, they said those were "small" reasons to leave a religion. They asked things like whether I left because I believed things considered haram weren't actually haram, or whether I left because I wanted to do haram things.

That really upset me because that isn't how I see my decision at all. I still have a moral compass. I don't need religion to know that I should be kind, honest and considerate of other people.

My brother even asked if I disagreed with religious values such as donating, which really infuriated me. I donate when I can because I want to help people, not because I'm trying to earn "heaven points." It made me feel like they were starting to think that I was a bad person simply because I left the religion.

They also asked me what I believe in if I don't believe in Islam. I explained that I'm agnostic and tried to explain what that means, but when they asked whether that means I believe in God anyway, I didn't really know how to explain my beliefs anymore.

The conversation became increasingly uncomfortable because I felt like I was having to defend why I left Islam rather than simply being allowed to say that I don't believe anymore. They also asked why I didn't tell them that I was queer and ex-Muslim instead of leaving.

I tried to explain that I was scared. I've heard my family talk about queer people and ex-Muslims with anger and resentment for years. I was afraid that if I told them the truth, they wouldn't accept me or would see me differently. I have only ever told one relative face to face because I knew that person was openly accepting and I felt safe with them.

My brother and sis in law said that this was all new to them and that I couldn't expect them to understand everything immediately, and I understand that. I don't expect them to process everything overnight. But I also felt hurt because when I tried to explain why I was scared, some of the things they said made me feel like my reasons weren't valid.

I had already explained everything in the letter I left. They told me they had read it multiple times. Yet I felt like I was being asked to explain the same things again and again, and eventually I felt like I couldn't explain myself properly anymore. They kept telling me how hurt they were by what I had done. I understood their perspective. I understood why they were shocked, why they were scared, why they felt like I didn't trust them and why they were hurt that I left without telling them.

But when I tried to explain why I was hurt, I didn't feel understood in the same way. I felt like their feelings were being treated as completely understandable while mine were being questioned or invalidated.

At one point, my brother and sis in law said that they felt stupid for trusting me and for thinking that I trusted them, which hurt because I had literally come back because I trusted them enough to believe what they were telling me.

I kept telling them that I never wanted to leave my family. I wanted acceptance. I wanted to be able to live as myself without losing everyone I love. They also told me that they would slowly help me get the life I want, both within my family and eventually in life generally, but that it wouldn't happen overnight. But I don't even know if that will happen.

At one point I was emotionally breaking down so much that my brother made me swear on his life that I wouldn't leave like this again. I did. Part of me does trust them and believe that they aren't necessarily trying to hurt me. But another part of me is now terrified that I've made the wrong decision. 

It's been almost a week since this happened, and they've been quite distant since everything happened. They don't really look at me or talk to me much, and I'm scared that they resent me or secretly hate me, even though they've told me they don't.

My sis in law is also pregnant, and all of this happened around the same time that they were going to announce the pregnancy to my parents. They told me about it the night I moved out, when they made me come back. I feel incredibly guilty because they kept saying that she needs to be stress-free and that I caused additional stress during what should have been a happy time for them. I never wanted to cause them this kind of pain.

My friends have been very upset with me too. They supported me through the entire process of moving out and were rooting for me for years. They think I let my family guilt-trip me and that I've undone years of planning. I've apologised to my friends multiple times because I understand why they were scared and angry. But I also feel like they don't fully understand why I went back.

I went back because I desperately wanted to believe that I could have both my family and the life I want. And now I'm scared that I have neither. 

I also have another problem now: because I've returned home, I probably need to apply to university again. My family has been pressuring me to go to university, but I don't particularly want to start university immediately. One of the reasons is that they don't support me doing the course I'm actually interested in and would rather I choose something they consider more "practical."

I also don't think they would allow or support me going overseas to study, so "just go overseas for university" probably isn't a realistic solution for me.

I don't want to be trapped forever and have no freedom. But I also don't know if this is actually how the rest of my life will be because of my family.

I don't know what to do.

I'm very confused right now and would really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.

I'm 20 and I'm looking for advice, especially from anyone who grew up in a religious/conservative family or has been through something similar.

I'm queer and ex-Muslim, but my family is very religious and strongly against LGBTQ+ people and people who leave Islam. I've heard them talk negatively about both groups many times, which is why I've been terrified of telling them who I actually am.

I've also always felt very restricted at home. I'm expected to practise a religion I no longer believe in, including praying and wearing the hijab, and I don't want to spend my life pretending to have beliefs that I don't have. Dating is also not allowed, and there is a lot of pressure around marriage, including expectations around arranged marriage once we become adults. I don't want my future relationships or marriage to be decided by my family.

Because of all of this, I've been planning to move out for years. This wasn't an impulsive decision. I saved money, secured a job, found a place, prepared my belongings and eventually moved out without telling my family beforehand. I left a long letter explaining that I love them and appreciate everything they've done for me, but need the freedom to live according to my own values. I also told them that I'm queer and ex-Muslim because I felt that I couldn't continue hiding it.

I had already moved my stuff to the new place before leaving. I had somewhere to stay, money saved, and a job, so I wasn't leaving with no plan. My brother and sis in law found the letter before my parents did and took it away so my parents wouldn't see it. They kept calling me that night and begging me to come home.

This is the part I'm having the hardest time explaining, because from the outside it probably looks like I simply changed my mind and chose to go back.

I know my friends think I was manipulated, and I understand why they see it that way. My brother was extremely emotional and told me that our parents are getting older and aren't in the best health, and asked whether I would feel guilty if something happened to them, like if they died. He also told me that he has always seen me like his own child and that he would care for me forever.

He and my sis in law told me that they accepted me, that they loved me, and that they wanted to help me eventually have the life I wanted while still being part of the family. They also told me that they were planning to move out themselves later this year and that I could potentially go with them.

I asked them to give me some time before coming back, but it was already very late at night. They had told my parents that they had found me and had picked me up, and they didn't want to go back without me. They simply told my parents that I had lost track of time while I was out with friends. I was super exhausted, emotional and overwhelmed and I felt like I had no other choice.

I don't mean that they physically forced me into the car or that I literally had no ability to refuse. I mean that emotionally, I couldn't see another option that I could actually handle at that moment.I had spent years preparing myself to leave because I believed I had to choose between my freedom and my family. Then suddenly, the two people I trusted most in my family were telling me that maybe I didn't have to choose. They were saying that they accepted me and that they would help me build the life I wanted while still having my family.

I love my family. I never wanted to leave because I stopped loving them. What I wanted was acceptance. So when my brother and sis in law told me that they accepted me, part of me desperately wanted to believe them. I wasn't thinking, "I want to give up my independence." I was thinking, "Maybe I don't have to lose everyone I love just to be myself." It was incredibly difficult to keep saying no when they were so emotional and telling me how much I meant to them. I felt guilty, scared, exhausted and confused all at once, so I went back.

I know technically I could have continued with my plan, but emotionally, in that moment, I genuinely felt like I had no other choice. I couldn't bring myself to walk away when they were telling me all of that. It made me feel extremely guilty.

However, the next day, my brother and sis in law started asking me a lot of questions about why I left Islam and what I believe.

When I said that I simply don't believe in Islam anymore, they kept asking me to explain why and what specific values I disagreed with. I gave them surface-level reasons because I knew they might not understand, especially because they are religious and I have heard them speak negatively about people who have left the religion.

When I mentioned things like gender roles and not being able to express myself freely, they said those were "small" reasons to leave a religion. They asked things like whether I left because I believed things considered haram weren't actually haram, or whether I left because I wanted to do haram things.

That really upset me because that isn't how I see my decision at all. I still have a moral compass. I don't need religion to know that I should be kind, honest and considerate of other people.

My brother even asked if I disagreed with religious values such as donating, which really infuriated me. I donate when I can because I want to help people, not because I'm trying to earn "heaven points." It made me feel like they were starting to think that I was a bad person simply because I left the religion.

They also asked me what I believe in if I don't believe in Islam. I explained that I'm agnostic and tried to explain what that means, but when they asked whether that means I believe in God anyway, I didn't really know how to explain my beliefs anymore.

The conversation became increasingly uncomfortable because I felt like I was having to defend why I left Islam rather than simply being allowed to say that I don't believe anymore. They also asked why I didn't tell them that I was queer and ex-Muslim instead of leaving.

I tried to explain that I was scared. I've heard my family talk about queer people and ex-Muslims with anger and resentment for years. I was afraid that if I told them the truth, they wouldn't accept me or would see me differently. I have only ever told one relative face to face because I knew that person was openly accepting and I felt safe with them.

My brother and sis in law said that this was all new to them and that I couldn't expect them to understand everything immediately, and I understand that. I don't expect them to process everything overnight. But I also felt hurt because when I tried to explain why I was scared, some of the things they said made me feel like my reasons weren't valid.

I had already explained everything in the letter I left. They told me they had read it multiple times. Yet I felt like I was being asked to explain the same things again and again, and eventually I felt like I couldn't explain myself properly anymore. They kept telling me how hurt they were by what I had done. I understood their perspective. I understood why they were shocked, why they were scared, why they felt like I didn't trust them and why they were hurt that I left without telling them.

But when I tried to explain why I was hurt, I didn't feel understood in the same way. I felt like their feelings were being treated as completely understandable while mine were being questioned or invalidated.

At one point, my brother and sis in law said that they felt stupid for trusting me and for thinking that I trusted them, which hurt because I had literally come back because I trusted them enough to believe what they were telling me.

I kept telling them that I never wanted to leave my family. I wanted acceptance. I wanted to be able to live as myself without losing everyone I love. They also told me that they would slowly help me get the life I want, both within my family and eventually in life generally, but that it wouldn't happen overnight. But I don't even know if that will happen.

At one point I was emotionally breaking down so much that my brother made me swear on his life that I wouldn't leave like this again. I did. Part of me does trust them and believe that they aren't necessarily trying to hurt me. But another part of me is now terrified that I've made the wrong decision. 

It's been almost a week since this happened, and they've been quite distant since everything happened. They don't really look at me or talk to me much, and I'm scared that they resent me or secretly hate me, even though they've told me they don't.

My sis in law is also pregnant, and all of this happened around the same time that they were going to announce the pregnancy to my parents. They told me about it the night I moved out, when they made me come back. I feel incredibly guilty because they kept saying that she needs to be stress-free and that I caused additional stress during what should have been a happy time for them. I never wanted to cause them this kind of pain.

My friends have been very upset with me too. They supported me through the entire process of moving out and were rooting for me for years. They think I let my family guilt-trip me and that I've undone years of planning. I've apologised to my friends multiple times because I understand why they were scared and angry. But I also feel like they don't fully understand why I went back.

I went back because I desperately wanted to believe that I could have both my family and the life I want. And now I'm scared that I have neither. 

I also have another problem now: because I've returned home, I probably need to apply to university again. My family has been pressuring me to go to university, but I don't particularly want to start university immediately. One of the reasons is that they don't support me doing the course I'm actually interested in and would rather I choose something they consider more "practical."

I also don't think they would allow or support me going overseas to study, so "just go overseas for university" probably isn't a realistic solution for me.

I don't want to be trapped forever and have no freedom. But I also don't know if this is actually how the rest of my life will be because of my family.

I don't know what to do.

I'm very confused right now and would really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.

Hi im 20 and i need to find a decent paying jobs that dont require a degree and also dont mind alternative people + not racist or toxic. PLSSS drop some suggestions. help!! i dont want it to be too physically demanding either... it might sound like im asking for too much... but better to search for the best job suited for me rather than be miserable in a one i dread. if you guys know pls let me know!!

I’m 20 and thinking about moving out/running away around July/August due to personal/family reasons. Right now I have around 5k+ saved and I’m trying to figure out what amount is realistically “safe enough” before moving. (i am saying "running away" because im not allowed to move out)

This is not an impulsive decision, i’ve actually been thinking about and planning this for years. I’ve been saving money for some time and trying to plan things as realistically as possible before making any decisions.

My family environment is extremely difficult for me. They are very religious and traditional while I don’t share the same beliefs or values, and there is a lot of pressure to conform to expectations that don’t align with me. Dating is not allowed and there is strong expectation of arranged marriage in the near future. I also don’t feel like I have much freedom to live independently or make personal life choices.

Another issue is that my family is pressuring me heavily into university even though I don’t want to go right now and I’m not allowed to take a gap year. They already made me apply for university, and university is expected to start around July, which is part of why I feel pressured to figure things out soon. Staying longer in this environment is seriously affecting my mental health and making me feel trapped. I want to move out before any university-related financial commitments begin.

The place I may move into would be around $700/month rent, and I estimate my total monthly living expenses would be around 1.5k/month.

For people in Singapore who moved out young:

• how much savings did you have before moving?
• was around 6k enough?
• what unexpected costs should I prepare for?
• what should I prioritise financially before leaving?
• are there any legal issues/restrictions for moving out at 20 in Singapore or any other legal things i need to be worried about?
• can parents legally stop you from moving out if you’re already 20?
• anything you wish you knew before moving out?

I’d appreciate realistic advice from people with experience.