u/blingdings404

Hi everyone. love the content. hoping to get some reasonable perspective as this involves two different worlds.

I, F27 and my girlfriend, F29, are in a very healthy and loving relationship. Our pasts were very tragic as our only experiences with relationships were yelling when things didn't go someone's way, and bad communication out of fear of being ridiculed (above all other things I'm not going to get into). We met each other by chance after a long healing period in our adulthoods and countless nights praying for someone to just see us for the good in us. We both felt like we found the person we had been searching for. She is wonderful, playful, funny, kind, and loving. I literally cannot pick out the best part about her.

Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm supposed to meet her family at the birthday celebration in a few months. So it's only natural that I absolutely hate that I'm even typing this next part out.

My girlfriend's family disgusts me. I know it's a strong word, but I truly mean disgust. And I haven't even met them yet.

It's crucial to know my girlfriend is not from the country we live in (the US). She is from a small Latin American country where Spanish is the primary language. She has some siblings who live in our city here but the rest of her family lives back in her birth country. Girlfriend has 8 siblings, most of whom have children with d-adbeats or are the d-adbeats. She has one sibling who lives here who's actually married to the person she has had kids with. Her sisters have kids who have partners who are cheaters (her words) and alcoholics (my words, mostly because apparently it's common for the man to MISS THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD because he wants to go out drinking with his friends and for older folks to mix coffee and vodka to wake up in the mornings on regular weekdays). She has siblings who be@t on their partners or have partners who be@t on them. A lot of them just keep having kids in bad situations, mostly financial instability. And of course everyone is raising kids and teaching them that it is OK to be hurtful towards your partners. Oh, and my girlfriend's parents were probably not a great influence. My GF said her parents were never affectionate with each other growing up. Her mother has anger issues who takes everything out on the kids and her dad is borderline absent despite living in the house.

Now, it might sound like I'm being judgmental, but here's where a lot of the issues actually lie; despite my girlfriend's family having all these issues, they are the least supportive people in her life. My girlfriend chose to leave the country and go to the US for education and freedom. Her family ridiculed her for this. They don't like that she never wants children. My girlfriend is about to go back to grad school to get her 2nd degree in her 2nd language and her family told her she was "wasting her time when she could be working" and even changes the subject when she brings up school. They overall hate the child-free, non-chaotic, single woman life my girlfriend has set up for herself so she doesn't drown like her family members. But you're telling me I'm supposed to be OK with the most dysfunctional people I know putting my girlfriend down for something that makes her happy? Girlfriend specifically told me she never wants to rely on a person for income, get stuck in a loveless relationship with kids, or be at her parent's beck and call who demand their children to give back what they had done as parent's for them growing up. My girlfriend fought hard just to wiggle out of her parents' grip and her older siblings' judgmental glares.

The last two paragraphs are important because 1.) My girlfriend tells me her siblings and family are like that due to cultural norms, and 2.) The few family members' who live here in town's reactions to me coming to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday with her were negative according to her, although that was a normal reaction she expected. 

I already don't like what I'm hearing about all these people. Then they make me feel unwelcome before I even get there? 

And I'm not sure if all of these feelings are coming from a time where I had set boundaries with my immediate family and I had even cut off a sibling who I haven't spoken to in 6 years. Setting boundaries was the hardest thing to ever do because they made me feel lonely, and they made me feel like I was the ahole for doing that when all I wanted was my freedom and sanity intact by the end of the day. I've never had an easier life before I had set clear boundaries with my family. it feels like I've fallen back to a decade ago when I was in the height of terrible family dynamics, that took lots of money and tears just to escape from. 

And although it was a long journey for my girlfriend since her family is too stuck in their ways and aren't big fans of outsiders, to her, family is still family. And she's chosen to have a relationship with them. Although I'm glad she has them, I'm not thrilled with being a part of the chaos myself.

To be clear, I'm not asking how to meet them for the first time knowing all this info, I'm getting tips from my therapist and I'm doing a lot of journaling on how to go into meeting someone from a mutual mindset, etc. What I am asking is how do I get past this hurdle of potentially having to constantly do gatherings with people who I know are all emotionally unstable and have already driven a wedge in our relationship? I want to wait to communicate these strong feelings to my girlfriend until I have actually met her family. She's an understanding person but I really hate that I feel the need to have this conversation in the first place. I am keeping this disgusted feeling to myself, as that's something I don't ever want to actually say to her. I would hate for this to get to a point of needing to break up because her family is already becoming a dealbreaker.

Hi people! Hi Charlotte! My first time posting here so bear with me. Sorry for any typos.

A few years ago, I (now, 27F) was working for "luxury" residential apartment buildings in a large city. The job was shit to say the least and the workload never made up for anything as us Front Desk Assistants were stuck in this never ending loop of stuff we didn't sign up for. But I was young, had the energy, and this was highest paying job I had ever worked. Let me set the scene a bit to tell you just how horrible this place was. The job, leasing, residents, and the building itself.

We were a 3rd party company that was stationed in the lobby of a building with about 400+ residents. We were supposed to wear business professional so we had to dress in suits with dark colors (black, grey, navy only). Our jobs were to make residents who lived in the building feel like they were being offered a "luxury experience". We greet them, give food deliveries elevator access, call residents when they have a guest downstairs, etc. 

We were not employed under the leasing company that ran the building but my god it was like we could've been. The management department of my company kissed this leasing company's asses like no tomorrow. Every time we came into work, there was a new rule. "The leasing off said..." Or "Leasing wants you guys to..." so you can guess now we're doing stuff outside of our job title. Cleaning up messes in the lobby or elevators (they had cleaners but wanted us to "pitch in"). Sorting through packages (I can make an entire book about Amazon prime day and the truckloads of shit these residents were ordering and all having been delivered on the same weekend. I mean thousands of packages, I wish I was joking. These were some of the most wasteful people you could ever meet). And of course, security. I did not sign up to remove the random man in the dark level 4 garage. But of course the biggest guy you know would walk up to me (a 23 year old small woman) and ask me to remove the strange man while I was alone and without any cameras. A guest of a resident even spit in my face once. That one still makes me feel grossed out. Anyway, the amount of extra tasks caused a lot of turn over in the company, and I really mean a lot. We had another new co-worker almost every month.

The leasing office had it's quirks but for the most part we were all civil. They helped out the front desk a lot since we were overwhelmed and didn't want a lot of us to quit. But don't get me started on the residents. Notice how I keep putting the word luxury in quotations? Yeah, you can have a lot of money to afford these apartments but that doesn't mean you have class. 

These residents partied on the roof every night, breaking glass and causing people to call in with noise complaints. Residents allowed their small dogs to pee and POO in the elevators and not clean it up until I got a complaint from a different resident who walked through it. These people also yelled at the front desk workers for everything. "My package is delayed." Ok, and what do you want me to do about it? "There's a homeless man on the sidewalk." We don't own the sidewalk. "I'm locked out." I'm not surprised, this is your 4th lock out this week. And of course there was the famous 'random resident having a mental break at 3 AM and decided to bust through hallway pipes on the 11th floor of a 30 story building causing flooding and the elevators to stop working.' Oh yeah. My shoulders dropped when I got the email that day. That building was being repaired for the next 7 months and the amount of front desk workers who quit during that time was so high that they started hiring ANYONE who applied to the job and asking who was left to cover shifts (a story for another time). 

Sorry for the long description, I could literally sit here for hours and talk about the types of things people said to me and the amount of crazy stuff I witnessed at those buildings. But even just a small bit of it was well-needed context.

By this point I had been in the company for 2 years. Which is a huge achievement because the average employed front desk worker was there for 30-45 days. I was tired but had asked for a raise which they gave to me no problem. My co-worker who had been also been with the company for about 3 years asked to be promoted to manager (since you guessed it! the previous manager quit!). They were almost done with restoration on the building since the flooding and although they were hesitant to promote him, they did. They also recognized my own hard work too, saying we both had proved ourselves during one of the most difficult times in the buildings history. A few more months had passed and the spring was here. The building was fully restored, there were no longer tarps down everywhere, and residents went from being super shitty and delusional to being their regular shitty and slightly delusional selves before the flood happened. My management decided they needed to hire an assistant manager to help my co-worker get more antiquated to his new job title as manager since the workload was a lot. That sounded great! I finally wasn't going to carry everything else on my back but have someone else lighten the load a bit. 

That's when they told me the new assistant manager would be working the mid shifts. But I work the mid shifts. 

"If this new manager is working MY shift, then what shift am I working?"

"Oh, we'll place you somewhere."

At first I didn't know what to do. I know there were other shifts to work but I earned the shift I worked. I fought for those times to work after working the nights for far too long (I wasn't a night person). So the only thing I was able to think of was to apply for the position. 

I applied, and had an interview with the same manager who hired me 2 years ago. My co-worker was super supportive, telling me he really hopes I get it because I'm the only other person who had shown up and not quit during these last several months. I felt really proud. It was going to be a pay raise but the same hours and just slightly more authority. I knew I had this one in the bag.

But that's when they told me that I wasn't experienced enough and they hired someone new. 

Something I didn't mention before was right before they put that position up: we had a temporary manager for the last few months who worked along side my co-worker who had come in from another state to "straighten things out". What that manager did was fire all the Black people on our team (and of course didn't have any replacements lined up causing more work for the remaining team members) then dust his hands off and head back home. The new assistant manager was Black. I believe they were trying to come back from the sudden reputation of "the company that fires all the Black workers". And yeah lol I kinda helped start that rumor. To be clear, I wasn't mad at the new hire - of course she didn't know the situation before she got hired (I was mad at that old manager for causing a situation like this). But they wanted me to train her while she took my shift hours and got more money for it. 

I finally said no.

I was a hard worker - I picked up shifts for them when no one else would, sometimes doing doubles and overnights even when it was hard on my body, one overnight shift being ON CHRISTMAS. I knew residents by their names even when they didn't care to learn mine. I helped solve some of our package issues (since there were more coming in than we had places to put them in the mail room) and I was always on time, never late, I rarely took a sick day. And after assuming I would just pick up more work after they fired a bunch of workers without a plan and literally having been called a "bitch" by a male resident because I was following protocol, this is how they repay me. By pushing me out. 

I called another building with a manager who I only spoke to briefly once. I asked him if he had room for me over there and he said he did. So I took myself off the schedule for that building and put myself on the new building. 

Oh I got calls and calls from different managers, area directors, etc. telling me "but you can't just leave!" And I told them to watch me. I went to the new building and oh boy it was nothing compared to that last place. I didn't get nearly the amount of crappy interactions with residents like I did at that other one. About 2 months in, they were begging me to come back. Things were apparently falling apart (their words, not mine) and my old co-worker now boss had told me no one was showing up for their shifts and that he and the new assistant manager are being told to scrape people together from other buildings to help them. During the time I was gone, the manager who hired me had quit and they had found a new one. The new guy literally begged me to come back. I told them no to his face. But that's when he asked me what it'll take for me to help them. I told him they could raise my pay again. The new manager told me they could also add an extra $100 to my paycheck for helping out last minute. That's when I got the most evil idea.

Every time they asked me to work that old building, I told them that's an extra $100. Every time they needed someone last minute because one of their unreliable hires called out an hour before their shift, that's another $100. And the only people who knew about this exchange were me, the hiring manager and area of operations manager. None of my co-workers, not even my old co-worker who I worked along side of for 2 years at that old building. Oh and what a joy, about a few months into being at the new building I went on my first ever vacation out of the country on a 16 day cruise. And I acquired so many sick hours that I was paid back every dime I spent on that vaca AS I was vaca-ing. 

When I came back, every call from the higher-ups was me going, "Yeah I could do the shift..." with a long pause before they would finish the sentence going, "... with that extra $100 added to your next paycheck, of course." And I didn't feel bad at all.

I did quit a few months later to pursue a new career path as I was older, on medication now, and just needed better hours to accommodate my health. I did have at least 3 jobs since then and although the pay was much lower, the management for every single one of these jobs were everything I could ask for in a management: following federal workplace compliances, kind and accommodating to their workers, and never turned their cheek from injustices. My current managers would curb stomp someone who got in my face the way those residents did. I still don't feel bad for manipulating my old job because hey, they're actually out of business now, and I'm in a better circumstance now in general. 

Thanks for listening to my story! I love you all!