u/blotterboi247

hey guys, sorry this is a tad long, but I have to get this across

so I posted about my first ever bufo experience here and it’s been a while since then. I have since had some time to reflect, and I have had a few very low-dose NN-DMT experiences that have allowed for fragments of the previously dissolved memories of the trip to flood back.

I realized that even in my original post, I was coping really bad. I said that it was neither good or bad, but in hindsight it was actually quite an awful, terribly terrifying experience which I got next to nothing out of.

the reality of my experience was that after exhaling the large inhale, I remained in a state of sheer terror, waiting for the experience to be over. I may have not gotten enough in my lungs or something (i’m not sure how that would be physically possible after the state the big rip left me in) but as everything turned into fractals I was telling myself “it’s safe, surrender” and from then on, I just entered a reality of no time and just shapes and meaningless existence , not feeling connected to anything, but not feeling separate from it either. pure limbo, pure terror, with no concept of an alternative to this reality.

also in retrospect, the facilitator and the environment were not optimal. I knew the guy, but not very well, just enough to trust him. but his “guru” demeanor felt very forced.

when I came back all I wanted was a hug and a cigarette and something familiar, I asked him for water, he just ignored the request and said “lay back and think about what it’s trying to tell you.” so coming back from the most terrifying thing i’d ever experienced, feeling like all these identities are nothing more than a joke, I had to take part in this fucking hippie song and dance with him making random ass sounds and making me draw tarot cards. I was counting the seconds til I could get out of the “sanctuary”.

the reason i’m putting this here is i’m just so disappointed. I really came before bufo/5meo with respect, truly wanting to let it take me for the ride and teach me. I have always wanted to try NN, and just the low doses i’ve experienced bring me back to the state of panic I experienced as soon as I exhaled the bufo, as if my consciousness had just been in limbo in between spaces in meaningless shape land.

I had to write this out because in my original post, I realized I was trying to cope with the fact that I was chewed up and spit out by bufo when I was really trying to improve myself and my life. now, because of this experience, despite my deep deep deep curiosity to meet NN entities and see higher dimensional landscapes, i’m terrified to hit the pen for more than 5 seconds

what did I do wrong?

so I had an experience with 5meo not too long ago and I wouldn’t necessarily call it a good experience. it was with a facilitator but I was very scared of the way it all came on. I would say the best part of the experience for me was coming back. at the peak, I can’t say I saw the white light, but I also definitely was not aware of my
body. I didn’t feel any kind of oneness and connection, it was more just a limbo of looping sound and endless 2d geometry that I was now in outside of time and self.

now I want to try NN because somehow after that i’m still very called to do it, and got my hands on a decently concentrated vape pen. i’ve never done NN before, but I just hit the pen a few times just to get a feel for the body load and sort of a threshold/non-ego-death dose. and I have to say just feeling it I got extremely anxious and brought back to my previous experience. in a way, as much as that experience had faded, just this tiny taste of NN brought back a big chunk of the memories- specifically how it felt on the onset.

could my previous experience have just seeded negativity? I don’t know what to make of it as I do feel very called to smoke DMT. I dream about it almost every night. I can’t explain the calling. the first and only time I did it (5meo of course) it whooped my ass. too many preconceived notions. I literally got deleted into an infinite limbo of geometry, came back, gripped the ground for dear life, and now i’m dreaming about smoking dmt every night. and on top of THAT, I just hit a teeny tiny bit and all that came up was anxiety. thoughts?

so I have a friend who has a dmt vape. I have done bufo once before, and want to try nn. the thing is, I barely broke through on bufo, as from the moment the pipe left my lips, I couldn’t tell you whether I even exhaled or not, let alone had the bandwidth to take another. the experience was great and I would have loved for it to go further, but i’m concerned that if I lose touch with physical reality too fast, I won’t be able to get enough in for a breakthrough. any suggestions?

yesterday I did went to a sanctuary in the sierra nevada with a friend of mine who serves bufo. for context, I have done copious amounts of psychedelics in my life, but never any DMT.

For better or worse (more for worse) I have seen so much information about both nn-dmt and 5meo online, so I knew that I wouldn’t be able to comprehend what was gonna happen, and just to surrender to the experience and hopefully have a good one.

it wasn’t bad, but it also wasnt good. everything I have heard about didn’t seem to apply to me. I dont distinctly remember my ego dissolving or feeling like i was dying. I just felt like I got deleted into a reality of shapes and sounds and that this was how things are now.

for an experience that people refer to as “whiteout” or “blackout” there were insanely complex shapes and geometry beyond my comprehension.

next thing I knew, I saw my body and legs again and remembered that I was [my name].

the thing i’m still not piecing together is whether or not I broke through or not. I do not remember being myself, but I also had no feeling of love or bliss or light. Just an endless, timeless reality of geometry that felt oddly familiar.

the last coherent thought I remember thinking was “its safe, surrender” then nothing no thoughts just this reality.

I walked away from it feeling like “did I do it right?” or like “how did I do?”
I guess the only real takeaway I had was thank god for 3 dimensions haha.

all I remember vividly is the sound.

not sure if anyone has any insight into this, but wanted to see what more experienced people thought of this. I really felt like I did something wrong or something. kinda judged myself walking out of the sanctuary.