u/blueberriesandcream4

I have bulimia. i’ve come to realize that anytime im alone (which is often since my fiance works during the day and im job hunting) and i eat anything, i purge it. no matter what it is, it wont stay in my stomach for longer than 20 minutes. i dont binge since im also on an appetite suppressant, but anytime i eat anything, ill puke it right after. i even have a ritual:

>!1. drink water or some kind of liquid to make it easier to purge!<
>!2. use the bathroom (if i don’t, ill pee all over myself while purging and then i’ve got a whole other problem)!<
>!3. lay pieces of toilet paper in the toilet to prevent splash back (gross)!<
>!4. turn on a video or something to drown out the sounds (also gross)!<
>!5. start purging until i’m completely empty, or until i taste stomach acid (less acid on your teeth, less decay)!<
>!6. get up, clean the toilet if needed, blow nose (clears out my sinuses when i purge), flush the toilet, wash hands and face, and wipe tears.!<
>!7. do literally anything else.!<

i admit it’s a problem, and ik the side effects, but everyone has been telling me i look smaller and i can see the numbers getting smaller. i have a huge problem with eating when im bored, over eating, and not drinking enough water.

im lazy, im tired all the time, and im too anxious to go on walks or runs to lose weight. i cant afford a gym membership, plus id be too anxious to go anyway.

i do go to therapy, but ill never tell her abt this because i dont want to stop. i know that i GENUINELY can stop when i feel like, because i was able to when i was 16. and you might say “it’s an addiction, and you clearly cant stop when you want since youre doing it again. that’s not stopping, thats just putting it on break” and yea, ik. but still. ik i can stop, but i wnat to get to 130 pounds before i do. i was almost 200 last year, and im only 5’4. i was embarrassed to even go out in public. i’m finally confident, im finally wearing 5s and 7s in my jeans (i was in 16s last year) and i feel pretty.