u/bluech33z3

Okay, I know the title is kinda crazy, but I don't like using the word "hate" lightly. I legitimately hate them and I know for a fact that they probably also hate me. Also, for the sake of me explaining this, my "family" is my Father, and my Grandmother (his mother).

I suffer from MDD (major depressive disorder, with frequent, reoccurring episodes. I've been diagnosed officially since I was 14 years old (I'm 21 now), but I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I've been in and out of hospitals since then, and I understand how rough that can be on a family, but they didn't care about how I was. They only cared about how it looked on them.

April 3rd of this year, I made an attempt on my life that was almost successful. The cops waited 2 hours to take me to the hospital because my Father told them I was faking it for attention. And when I finally got to the ER, my organs were shutting down. I barely remember the ER, but I was sent up to the ICU for a few days. Throughout that time, my family didn't come visit me. The hospital called them 3 times to ask if they want to come see me, because they were shocked I was still alive. My partner drove up 3 hours to spend every single day with me while I was in the ICU, and on the medical floor. While I was there, my father, grandmother, and younger sister were all texting my partner and telling them terrible things about me...as if they weren't going to tell me what they were saying.

On Easter, I was on a medical floor waiting to be cleared to finally be able to go to the Psych floor. I had the psychiatrist come tell me it would be easier for me to just commit myself to the ward because the Judge wanted to send me to a long term place if I said "no". My Father walked into my room, and told me to "leave the hospital, you're fine. Don't go back to Psych, you're just going to keep doing this over and over again. It's getting old." I told him to get out. He stayed for a solid 5 minutes. He never asked if I was okay.

Maybe an hour or 2 later, my Grandmother calls. She tells me I ruined everything, and how I need to understand everything can't just be about me. She told me how I wasted medical equipment and staff for my little "performance". I told her if she understood the gravity of what I did, and she just told me to shut up. She was crying and yelling at me telling me I'm selfish. I hung up the phone, ripped it out of the wall and threw it. I cried all night.

I refused to call my family the entire time I was in psych. My grandmother called me once, but I hung up again. I told my social worker about the abuse I suffer, and have been suffering since I was a child.

The last thing I wanted to hear from my family is that they blamed me for everything bad going on in their lives. Instead of gratefulness that I was alive somehow, my family was just angry. And they still are. And I hate them. I hate that I hate them, but I couldn't take it anymore. I'm out of that house now, living with family that actually likes me and doesn't scream and yell and throw things at me. I'm terrified, but I feel safe and happy for the first time in my life.

I'm not sure...I feel bad that I hate them so much. I don't know why I feel bad. I just hate them so much. I'm so scared my father is going to come find me and do something...

I was told to post this here lol

I am so clueless lol

I Hate My Family, and I'm Scared

Please help me find this for my partner!