u/bluehints

It's been about 3 and a half months since he discarded me. At first promised me he was open for a conversation then a month later, after repeatedly asking him for one, he told me he didn't need one anymore and that he 'got over it'. When I begged him, he blocked me on everything.

At first I didn't handle it healthily. I tried contacting him via our mutual friends, made another account to send him my goodbye messages (still asking him for at least some closure) and I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I fell into depression- started taking my old antidepressants again, and things stabilised a bit. For the last few weeks, about 2 months after last seeing him, things were 'okay'. I wasn't thinking about him every minute of the day. But things have never been the same as they were before him. The things we used to do together, the things he liked and the music we listened to are still incredibly triggering to me. I don't really 'live' anymore, I simply survive. I don't look forward to anything. Everything is grey, and I feel as if the only thing that could uplift me is him.

I still want him to come back, to just say anything, to give me any clarification. I want him to show me that I at least mattered to him, that I am at least worth a conversation. My head tells me I don't want him back, everything he has done has been incredibly hurtful. He has made me insecure, and feel like I'm not worth the effort or capable of being loved. He caused me to fall into one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. But my heart yearns for him. It misses him so bad it hurts.

When will I feel excitement again? When do I escape this hell? Is there even any improvement coming at all? It's been almost four months since last seeing him. Summer is coming, and I really saw myself enjoying it with him. Now I'm left alone. My last attempt at contacting him was a little over a month ago. I no longer reach out, and if there'll any be any contact again it'll have to come from him. I really hope that he'll start missing me after the initial relief of being left alone, but I know I can't count on that.