u/boot_spring

So today is my 31st birthday and I'm sitting here at 1 am thinking about my past. I cut off my parents a few months ago after having my own kid, because I realised I could never do that to my kid.

My main thought is that I want to ask my father why he hit me and threw me against a cupboard when I was 10. My grandparents and uncle (his in-laws) were leaving after visiting us and it was slightly drizzling, so my father told me to get an umbrella for my grandmother for the 10 meter (11 yard) walk to the car but my grandmother told me to leave it because she doesn't need one for such a short walk. I hesitated for a second, and my father came over to me and slapped me, then dragged me to my room and slapped me again so hard that I flew into the open cupboard and hit my head on the vertical slab of wood. Then he hit my 19/20 year old uncle for trying to stand up for me.

I really want to ask him why he did this, but what answer could I possibly want to hear?

It's currently 2 am where I am and I'm sitting here after having a panic attack when I tried to sleep. My parents keep on insisting my son plays with this stupid cactus toy that repeats everything you say, even though my child had a 2 hour screaming fit after playing with it on Friday night. The thing is, I've told them multiple times over the last few months that he doesn't like the toy.

We went back to their house on Saturday and yesterday (Sunday) only because my grandmother is visiting, and on Saturday they tried to get him to play with the toy and I told them no, which they questioned me about, even trying to convince me that he likes it. Yesterday I went out to the granny flat to talk to my brother and I come into the house 2 minutes later and they've taken the toy out again, so I just walked up to them, picked it up and put it away. After that they got pissy and didn't even come outside to greet us when we left.

This all reminded me of the time my grandmother (same one, my mother's mother) came to visit us when we I was ~11 years old and when they were leaving there was a slight drizzle so my father told me to get an umbrella for her to use to walk to the car. She told me not to because it was literally a 5m (~6 yards) walk, and when I hesitated my father grabbed me and slapped me, then took me to my room and slapped me again so hard that I flew into the open cupboard and hit my head on the side of the wood (the wood that divides the cupboard). My uncle who would have been 20 at the time tried to defend me and my father hit him as well.

So my panic attack basically boils down to the question of why was I not allowed to question them in their parenting decisions and got physically abused for it, but for things that I am doing for the wellbeing of my own child they question even the smallest decisions.

Edit: I'm 30 years old now, and yeah I feel like an idiot for still bringing my son around these horrible people.