u/broski5566

Me and my wife have been married for a month now and it hasn’t been pleasant and frankly I regret it. During the course of our relationship we’ve definitely had our issues primarily with conflict resolution and unmet expectations. It feels like these things have gotten 20x worse since we got married.

For a little background history, we’ve been together a bit over 4 years and pretty much since we met we’ve had some issues but primarily the same 2 problems of conflict resolution and unmet expectations

For conflict resolution there’s just this consistent pattern that happens. She gets mad about something shuts down and stone walls me ( refuses to talk and communicate, ignores my calls texts, she’s recently started leaving the house not telling me where she’s going, stuff like that). Sometimes this last for days, even when I’m making every effort to talk to her. Sometimes it’s hard bc through the course of our relationship we were long distance about 2 hours away. Sometimes when I’m trying to rectify things and she won’t pick up her phone or answer it get frustrating and after some time goes by like sometimes days I stop trying. Than she will say things like “you didn’t even try to find out what was wrong or you don’t even care that I’m upset” even tho I’ve asked her multiple times what’s bothering her or if I’m not there I’ve reached out multiple times. I’ve noticed she does this a lot which I’ve brought up to her, something will happen she will block me out and put up walls that I can’t get through than when I get frustrated and exhausted from trying she throws it back in my face that I don’t care enough. This is a regular thing in our relationship that I really did think we could work through and would get better but it hasn’t.

Next with unmet expectations. She wants me to be basically the ultimate leader of our home and traditional man. I do want this as well but I’m still in the place where I’m learning a lot in life and about myself and how to get there. She has had more of a rather harder upbringing where she’s learned to do a lot by herself at such an early age. She’s become very hyper independent. Which is not a bad thing but bc of this her expectations are set very high and again I’m not there yet. I understand it can be frustrating at times but I’ve been delt a different set of cards. I’m most definitely making the effort to reach those standards and I believe I’ve grown a lot especially in the last year but I’m still not where she wants me to be. The issue in my opinion comes here, she wants me to do certain things but is not willing to give up control. For example she wants me to lead more but with every decision I make even if it’s a genuine good decision there’s always so much push back and resistance and that goes with everything. She’ll say she wants me to take initiative and when I try to she shuts me down and says things like I don’t trust you. She wants me to help her find solutions to problems but when they occur she has a habit of doing this thing where every time I’m about to give my input she’ll interrupt me or ignore me and “say one second one second I’m trying to think” which basically translates to be quiet so I can figure this out. We’ve had talks where I’ve told her about this dynamic but she doesn’t agree with it. She says I have to earn it and I have to show her she can trust me before she’ll allow me to lead but HOW ON EARTH CAN I EVEN DO THAT IF I CANT EVEN GET THE CHANCE!! And again it’s always just my fault for not doing enough.

We have other issues to but these are the main ones. One other problem I’ve expressed to her that honestly gets very tiresome after a couple of years is she’s always upset with something. It could be me if it’s not me it’s her parents, if not her parents it’s her coworkers, if not her coworkers it’s the person on the road that was driving to slow for her. Like I just don’t understand how there’s always something wrong. I’ve gotten to a point with all of this where to keep my sanity I feel like I’ve with drawn. Specifically bc when she’s upset with me she wont tell me the issue and expects the problem to be solved. I remember multiple times where I was up all night trying to figure out what I did and what to apologize for. Sometimes in all honestly it’s bc of certain things I find ridiculous like for example I was eating to loud. I’ve just started to in all honesty not care as much which sounds bad but I quite literally cannot keep doing this, she’s always upset and always needs me to help regulate her emotions and bring her down be there for her which is very important but it’s gotten to a point where my emotions and feelings have been very much so neglected. I’ve told her about how I feel and she just says well your the man your supposed to help me calm down and lead our arguments and be there when I’m down which I do agree but it’s just at a point where I feel like my feelings are not something of value and I honestly in general just feel like an employee or an accessory to her life.

We got married a month ago now and the entire time she’s either been upset or we’ve been arguing/fighting. For reference she was upset/mad our proposal day, she was upset the wedding day, she was upset on our honeymoon and many other important events as well and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve spoken to her about this and we both do agree that for some reason it feel like we can’t just share a good moment together. Our relationship has been shaky and I’m at a point finally where I don’t think this is normal, im really thinking about finally calling it quits. I’ve reached a point where I think I just want to be by myself again.. I’ll be a bit lonely yes but at least I’ll have my peace and mental sanity.

What do you guys think i should do? I was thinking about marriage counseling but I don’t think it’ll even help tbh but I’d be willing to go I guess.

So I am a 'M/25' who is with a 'F/23' turning 24 this year and the length of our relationship has been about 4.5 years. We recently got married and are almost a month in and this month hasn’t been the best so far. Over the course of these weeks we’ve been in an okay standing. We’ve had some good moments but have also had a lot of arguments and fights.

So for a bit of background history over our relationship. Me and my partner are very different, we are the complete opposite type of people, like when they say opposites attract you’ll probably see us right next to the definition. Although we are different tho we love each other a lot which has allowed us to keep this relationship going. Our 2 main problems since the beginning of our relationship pretty much is how we handle conflict and dealing with unmet expectations.

As per conflict issue, I’ve noticed she seems to be upset about something or complains about things frequently. She’ll be upset something about me or when it’s not me it’s a co-worker, when it’s not a co-worker it’s some random driver on the road, there’s just always something negative. I get being upset but it’s to the point where I find it excessive and I just don’t know how someone can be upset or mad so often, she was even upset the entire day of our wedding. Yes things didn’t go perfectly as expected but I still can say I had a blast and it was beautiful but according to her it wasnt good. When she is upset at me I’ve noticed she has a couple of habits that I don’t believe help our relationship at all. When she’s mad she shuts down. She starts to stonewall me meaning she doesn’t wish to communicate or talk, sometimes will leave the house and not tell me where she’s going, she’ll ignore my calls and messages, be passive aggressive. I keep telling her in those moments that I want to know what’s wrong and I genuinely care. I understand that something I did bothered her and I want to have the opportunity to apologize and make it right as well as validate her feelings. But it’s like she’s just not willing to talk to me. I’ll be trying to get her to open up for hours sometimes days about what’s bothering her and she says nothing or that she’s already over it (when clearly she’s not). Then on my part I end up getting frustrated and stop asking or trying to figure it out which she hates but it’s so mentally and emotionally draining when she does all this stuff so often and over the course of years it’s become a lot on my mental. She tells me in those moments that sometimes it’s not easy to talk which I understand and tells me there’s certain things I can do to help her calm down. She’ll tell me don’t leave her alone but she’ll leave and not tell me where she’s going or not pick up my calls or texts so how can I do that, she’ll say she wants to be comforted kissed or hugged but when I do that she pulls and pushes away, she says she wants me to go after the problem and not beat around the bush but when I ask her what’s wrong and that I notice she’s a bit off and if she wants to talk she refuses or says she’s fine and tries to deflect. I’m trying my best to help her but I don’t know why she wants to make it so difficult for me. When I’m upset with her and she asks to talk I don’t hold it against her I communicate and tell her how I feel. I’m not saying I’m perfect I understand somethings are hard to say but I try to always have a conversation when she asks and the issue gets resolved rather quick or if she doesnt agree with what I’m saying well sometimes she gets upset and catches an attitude..

Next is the unmet expectations, she does have Good expectations for me but I’m not there yet. She wants me to be a great leader, the ultimate man of the house, the person in control and in his masculine which will allow her to be more in her feminine which I frankly want to. But again there’s just some major contradictions in her behaviour, she wants me to lead but gives me so much reissstance or shuts me down when I’m trying to make a decision, in regards to taking initiative, I try to do certain things but to her everything is wrong, not enough or again she shuts me down before I can go do it, when a problem occurs and I want to offer my advice or solution that may potentially work she has a habit of saying one second, one second!!! ( which basically translates to be quite so I can think) basically ignoring everything I hv to say. Than when we get in an argument she tells me all this stuff about I can’t lead, and she can’t trust me to make a decision and I never step up and she feels like the man in the relationship which pisses me off. I’m 25 I’m still learning a lot on how to lead and be the man of his home but it feels like she wants someone more complete. I’m really trying to do these things but I feel like I can’t grow into that person if she’s always giving me so much push back, and being so combative and critical with everything I do and with every decision I want to make. I feel like she just wants me to do what she would do. She’s told me many times in those moments to make the decision she would make and I don’t know how I feel about that saying tbh. Bc what if the decision that is not what she wants is better for us overall which has happened many times before.

I do believe she acts this way due to past trauma. Her father wasn’t in her life and i believe it really hurt her and has caused her to put up her guard and be very protective of herself. Especially when it comes to people she has any form of relationship with (partner, friends, family). I understand where’s she’s coming from as well but even that mentality is hurting our relationship. In arguments she has this attitude where she has to protect herself at all costs, on our honeymoon we had a bad argument and she did just that. In a short summary we were in Jamacia and she was upset one day. We were taking a cab and for those who don’t know people in Jamacia actually drive kinda like there auditioning for the next fast and furious movie. I asked her to put on her seatbelt which she didn’t want to do so I put my arm around her, so while the guy was driving she wouldn’t fall off the seat and bump her head as I could see she was falling asleep but bc she refused bc she was mad. We had a talk when we got back to the hotel and I explained my thought process, I was just trying to tell her even tho we may be upset with each other that doesn’t mean we don’t look out for each other and she says to me HEY WERE BOTH GROWN IM GONNA TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, IM GONNA DO WHAT I WANT TO DO AND YOU CAN GO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!! Which genuinely hurt me so deeply bc just the other day when we were getting married she says to me well we’re married now so we gotta really look out for each other in such a loving way… that is not the first time she’s said something like that, I’ve realized she says things out of anger at times but still. All our really bad arguments lead to her proposing we break up, the thing that changes is now she proposed for the first time divorce. And this type of stuff has been going on for years, lots of red flags but just the fact that I do love her and she loves me has kept us from completely walking away for good.

All of this has pushed me to a point where it feels crippling to me. My mental sanity feels like it’s dwindling and my patience is running very thin. I usually bounce back but this time feels different. Instead of thinking what more I can do and how I’m gonna approach this again, I just can’t stop thinking if marrying her was the right idea. She’s definitely has some good qualities to her. Like I can def say she’s pushed me to be a better man, want more in life, and push at my goals. But just the lack of accountability and her making it seem that all our problems is just my fault weighs so heavy. It sucks that I realized and am feeling everything this deeply now but idk… there’s a lot more things but I don’t want to make this to much longer.

What do you guys think I should do? With your experiences do people change or is it all just a waste of time? Is leaving the right thing to do?