u/bsmith149810

So I’m very self-aware of having a tendency towards not always being the brightest crayon in the box so to say, but I had a “holy crap” moment today while browsing my movie library on Jellyfin.

I’ve often wished for a feature in the movie collections that would behave similarly to playing episodes of TV shows in sequential order. That is having the ability to play all the Die Hard movies from start to finish for example.

Well, maybe I’m the slow one to discovering this, but just pressing play while a collection folder does exactly this. Instead of selecting it and then presenting that collection’s contents it just plays.

Mind blown, that is all.

So I came across this gem in some old files cleaning out my computer recently and figured this was as good a place as any to share it.

I’d originally typed it all out one night in response to a Reddit post, but something went haywire at the end and I thought it all got deleted. Later on, like way later, I found it had been cached in my drafts, saved it to disk and forgot it again until now.

Anyways, here goes:

No really be *careful*.

And don’t do what I did by thinking you’re sure of anything while out in the field: I live in the southeast, and was a kid growing up through the 90’s. I mention that because it doesn’t feel that long ago, but also believe that era may have been the end of kids spending most of their time outdoors. Important in understanding that when I say we spent a lot of time outdoors I really mean A LOT.

Back then the street I grew up on was on a peninsula surrounded by a lake. I could ride my bike in any direction minus one and within just a few minutes be swimming. Or, if the lake didn’t sound fun could be in any number of creeks that fed into said lake.

Point being we came across a lot of snakes.

I’d start sounding like Bubba in the movie “Forrest Gump” did naming all the ways to prepare shrimp if I tried describing all the different snakes, or all the things a group of boys could do with so many snakes.

We never considered any of them could be poisonous (or venomous whichever it is I never claimed to be a snake expert just seen a bunch); they were all just water snakes. Leave them alone (lol) and they’ll leave you alone.

That mantra served me well, and despite our best efforts I never heard of anyone being bit.

Well, fast forward to 2015ish and I’m an adult playing hooky from work on a nice spring day to grab a fishing pole and hit the lake.

There was a spot I had in mind, but had only ever fished it from a boat because there wasn’t a good way to get to it by shore.

And I didn’t own a boat. Dad didn’t either anymore.

I could however park further up and walk the shoreline for the mile or two down to where I wanted to be.

Great plan! Shitty bank to try walking. All overgrown brush, flat bluffs dropping straight into deep water and 100’s of snakes.

I do mean 100’s.

We had recently gotten a lot of rain and for whatever reason that always stirred them up like poking a hornet's nest with a short stick does.

I assume their dens get flooded but again I’m no expert.

So anyway, I’m doing my rock climbing maneuvers convincing myself by this point that the mother-of-all crappie holes is just another mile down at the end of this god-forsaken bluff. Not even thinking much about the snakes as they had never been an issue before and they’re all harmless water snakes anyway, right?

So I finally get to the end and where I want to start fishing. Except even at the end of the bluff there is no shoreline. It’s just vertical rock ending in water.

I haven’t come this far not to fish so I do the only logical thing and free-climb my way down to an area that is maybe ten by ten feet in area and in only ankle deep water. Didn’t bring the waders I never owned or possessed either dammit.

It didn’t matter though. I got down there and finally got a line in the water. And within the first few casts reel in the first crappie of the day.

Just how I planned it.

From then on it was quickly turning into one of the better days I can ever remember fishing. In less than an hour I’d put around ten keepers on the stringer and let a few more than that go, allowing them to fatten up for next year. I was having fun and zoned in on my next cast.

Looking back later, I hadn’t even begun to think about just how the hell I was going to carry what was already a heavy stringer out of there. It was difficult enough coming in with just light tackle and pole.

I would have figured it out too, but never got the chance because at right around the hour mark (and out of absolutely no where might I add) I get hit with a pain that can only maybe be described as being hit with and electrified baseball bat on the backside of my calf.

In a bewildered state of shock I look around and over to see one of these damn water snakes latched on to and flopping all over my once beautiful calf. In a panicked state of fight or flight adrenaline I grabbed and pulled to sling it as far away as fast as possible.

And, that worked. Sort of.

The pulling part ended up being more like two quick yanks due to it actually being latched. The first pull just stretched it out until the second more forceful “get-this-mother-f'er-off-me-now-YANK” sent the SOB flying. And consequently left me bleeding way more than I’d ever expect.

So I’m now in sort of a predicament at this point without really realizing it might be serious. Remember, they’re all water snakes you dummy.

Them snakes ain’t poisonous.

My leg does hurt like all hell though and I’ve got a long walk. Plus I’ve got dad’s voice in the back of my head replaying all the times him telling me they aren’t poisonous, but have really dirty mouths that cause bad infections.

My dad never claimed to be a snake expert either.

So with all this information I decide while not an emergency I should begrudgingly release what I’ve caught so far and start making my way back to the truck.

That hurt more than I care to admit, but by the time I was finally standing there next to the truck, it was no longer even a thought. My calf was really killing me!

It was still bleeding way more than even makes sense, and was really feeling like hell. But at least I’m behind the wheel and can get my ass home now! I wanna clean up in a hot shower. That’ll get the wound cleaned and help all these muscle aches at the same time.

Never claimed to be a doctor either.

I arrive (thankfully) back to the house, and do exactly that.

Thinking about how many I would have on the stringer by now if not for that damn snake, and figuring I’d have caught my limit and would be ending the day on a much happier note right about now. Then in a jolt of pain not too different from the initial bite my calf muscle starts going absolutely berserk.

Locked up in the worst cramp I’ve felt and spasming all at the same time. There’s some kind of pinkish not blood but what else could it be fluid ejecting from the holes fast enough to splatter all the way to the shower wall with every spasm.

Hm. That’s new.

Shower must not be good for water snake bites. Ironic I know.

So I get out, dry off and move on to plan B. Call Mama.

She’s smart.

She also has the added benefit of working for my family doctor with the ability to work me in if I gotta go. Which is sweet because I don’t care to go much less spend all day out in the waiting room with the plebs when I do. On the phone with her and telling her what happened up to this point awaiting as she advises accordingly:

“Yea, probably wouldn’t hurt to let him look at it cause you probably need some antibiotics at the very least.” Is her initial response. She’s obviously heard about them damn dirty mouthed snakes too.

Behind the wheel again and really really not feeling well I bee-bop on over to the doctor’s office which very fortunately is only a five minute or so drive across town. I pull in and am met in the parking lot by my doctor and his nurse. Mom had given them a heads up I was coming and what for.

I’m still not sure if they’re snake experts, but they’re most definitely medical experts and taking everything I’d brushed off to this point way more serious than I had to this point. Doctor takes one glance, looks at his nurse and just nods and says something like “yea now “.

With that she turns and does a brisk walk/not quite jog through the parking lot while the doctor kinda pokes at my leg asking about the snake and what it looked like. “A water snake, doc bout like they all do. Except this one was way meaner..” was about all I could muster in response.

In that two second interaction and all of a sudden out of no where a car comes flying in and stops next to us. It’s the nurse and she’s taking me to the Emergency Room. Like, now.

All I hear from my doc is “Now. Get in”. I get exactly one word of protest out before he shouts over it with “DO YOU WANT TO DIE TODAY?! GET IN THE CAR!!!”

F-ing rude doc. He never was known for great bedside manner.

This is pretty excessive in my non-expert opinion, but it didn’t take expertise to see I wasn’t winning this one. Hospital is only another five or so minutes down the road like everything else in this town. It is surrounded by water ya know.

The nurse pulls in to the ambulance bay and a bunch of people come running towards. Looks like they’re racing empty wheelchairs right towards us.

No, doc has called ahead to prep them for our arrival. The man really wasn’t playing around.

Neither was the hospital.

I didn’t get out of the car. I levitated from the car into a wheelchair with the help of an unknown number of hands grabbing whatever they could. Very touchy-feely hands might I add.

They get me straight into a room and start running IV’s, shouting poke at somebody and asking someone other than myself a whole bunch of personal questions about said self.

Like who the F are you asking my blood type to? I don’t even know the answer to that.

Oh, Mama’s here already. Yea she’ll know. Must have told them I don’t wanna be here all day either cause they’re are booking it on everything.

Which is awesome.

Things calm down, and the room finally clears down to me, Mama, and the doc. Not my doc though. The hospital doc. And I’m pretty sure he’s definitely a snake expert.

He asks how I’m feeling which is great because no one else has to now. At least someone has some bedside manner.

Medical expert too, check.

So I start telling him how silly all this is over a harmless water snake and I don’t even feel my leg anymore so it’s all better. I’ll take some antibiotics now and be on my way.

He said he was glad to hear the pain was being managed but that I was gonna have to stay a while. Then he taught me the guaranteed way to know whether a snake is venomous or not. Oh and it’s definitely venomous not poisonous. Taught me that too.

They’re venomous because they inject the bad juice directly into their prey. Snakes do that with fangs. The venomous ones all have fangs, the non-venomous do not, and the visual observation made by my doctor back in his parking lot was figuring the two small holes could very well be from fangs. When he gave my leg that second poke with his finger while the nurse was getting her car he confirmed his hypothesis by removing a hollow fang from one of them.

Oh he apparently also hit the calf with a shot of morphine too. “The hell for?” It’s not even hurting anymore, to which the ER doc laughed at me! Like seriously he was laughing loud. So much for that bedside manner.

When he was finally through with that he said “yea I don’t guess you do, but when you do just let us know and we’ll turn that morphine drip you’re hooked to up some more.”

Me: confused pikachu.

“When was the last time you looked at your leg?” Doc is full of questions, but I can’t really remember. Drying off after the shower maybe? Not long. What time even is it?

A lot later and longer than I thought.

ER doc says he has a mirror if I wanted to look at it while I was feeling good.

But “only if I feel up for it.“ Don’t make it weird doc. It’s just a calf. My calf at that.

So with his pathetic excuse for a mirror I look down at what appears to be… something.. something pretty gross looking. A pack of hamburger meat left out in the sun all day perhaps?

Oh F again. That’s my leg.

Am I dying today? I specifically remember NOT choosing that option when my doc asked. From there he goes all “I’m a Medical Doctor snake expert and you’re not” mode with word salad.

It boiled down to I should be fine, but would have some hurdles first. They were going to keep me a minimum of 24 hours drawing blood every 30 minutes to look at something I can’t remember in order to make sure my blood wasn’t coagulating (?) too much.

They have anti-venom there that is universal to our area (doesn’t matter what kind bit you as long as it wasn’t your pet cobra). They only use that though if absolutely necessary (nice way of saying not idiots such as myself). Biggest danger was right after it happened while I was climbing and walking my way out.

Being oblivious to that danger (therefore reasonably calm) most definitely helped.

Ignorance is bliss.

As bad as all that sounds the morphine most definitely compensated for all of it. Ten out of ten do recommend if you ever find yourself snake-bit. I was happily getting checked out after the 24-hour monitoring. Oh and with heavy duty antibiotics because apparently dad had one thing right. They got some really dirty damn mouths.

All that really really long story for no other reason to say F some snakes and the average person should probably just assume they’re poisonous ( or venomous I forget). Leaving them alone and they will leave you alone has some obvious flaws as well, but honestly I should have turned around before ever getting to the spot I was bitten. If hundreds of snakes are in the area you should probably do the opposite of pushing forward.

I was locked on the perfect fishing hole, but have easily gotten the same way about a place to search for points.

For the record I know this is way too long, probably full of errors, and has nonsense that makes zero sense but I enjoyed typing it all out instead of worrying over all the tornadoes the news has been talking about in the background the whole time.

Tornado snakes sounds awful.