u/bubbly5040

As a person that already exposed to adult things since high school, even as a muslim, its really hard for me to detach it from myself, ig its already 4/5 years im stuck in this loop, at first I feel so bad for doing it, keep hating myself as yk its prohibited.

But, after some time, it alter my brain saying its only my coping mechanism, its "normal" to do it, a part of me accepting it as a fact, but i know theres still part of me that know this is wrong. I tried to stop for 2,3 days, but what i got is mood swings, i easily get irritated with small things, and I cried easily (im an overthinker, so my past memories keeps replaying n triggering me). So, it got me thinking that, there's either i release in two ways, crying, or masturbate.

So, unfortunately there's a white thing stuck on my thing (where I usually rub), n it makes me worried n insecure about my future, what if my future husband see this etc. Then, during this period I start to seek how to get rid of it, n its working after years!

Now, im kinda worried if im relapsed, I still sometimes watch porn on reddit, read 18+ but I didnt touch myself. I think like I need to strengthen my deen n get closer with God, but im still scared if I slipped off

So after i tried some ways to remove it, i think i get it how to do it even the one that already stuck so long, i managed to reduce it now. So what i do is, when theres a discharge (?) (Im not sure if it is, but its white color liquid, its a bit watery, not itchy), i know its the cause of it, so i try to clean it on my clitoris, then after some rub it will come out like a dead skin, grime or dirt. Im not sure how to prevent this from happen, like maybe put bandage on my clit to not let it stuck on my clitoris, idk 😭

I think i need another way to stop my habit, people always say find hobbies to fill in the time, but i already have numerous of hobbies yet i still do it, i notice i did it when it tines to take a break from doing tasks, or obviously before sleep, its getting out of control when i know i did it not out of arousal, but just because of boredom, then even i didnt feel much good, i will continue do it...

I need other suggestion to overcome this, i try to say this things is so bad, but it doesnt give much impact...i need smtg brutal that might make me feel scared or feel disgusted to do it, its just i dont have any idea what is it