u/buggy_truck

In a depression spiral, I’m so fkn sad. Just sad all the time. It’s my birthday and I’m not grateful for another year

TW: self harm mention and suicide mention.

Hi guys, just need to type this out to process and I feel lonely so I’m putting it here in case anyone has been through this and has advice. 28F and my sister is 32. We’ve been living together since 2020, we moved in together during the pandemic so we wouldn’t be lonely and we got to be super close, best friends which has been wonderful. I’m a very sensitive person, have always felt very alien and alone in life so I treasure our relationship. I have a few other good friends but no one I am able to spend as much time with because they don’t live in my city. I was diagnosed with autism last year so I finally understand why I have such a hard time with social intricacies and relationships in general. I am also majorly depressed (diagnosed at 13). I take Venlafaxine and Abilify. I go through month-to-year long bouts of depression. The worst have been: going away to university, being away from my family for a summer in a different province, and then when I was working at a soul sucking job in 2024, and finally, current. I’ve had less serious episodes since then as well. Recently I’ve started to wonder if I am bipolar, so I was referred to a psychiatrist who couldn’t make a firm decision on if I have bipolar 2 or bpd or both or neither. She put me on Wellbutrin to try because it doesn’t interfere with other meds I’m on, and it’s supposed to help you not get depressed. Well I was on it for a week before a conversation with my sister triggered the worst spiral I’ve ever experienced, to the point that I wanted to end it for real. I was thinking about how I’d do it, which I’ve never done before this. Always passive until now. So I took myself to the emergency dept because I was alone and scared, and they told me that Wellbutrin can mess you up like that if you’re autistic and anxious. I indulged in SH for the first time in like two years which I’m not proud of. There’s more to the context of the conversation but I don’t feel like explaining that right now.