Struggling to accept that he’ll never think he was wrong
I know this is dumb to be hung up on. But here I am.
Yesterday was supposed to be our first wedding anniversary. I knew I’d hear from him. I braced for it. But somehow I still wasn’t ready for him to lash out and blame me 100% for our demise and accept zero responsibility for his own actions. He is a narcissist. He was manipulative. He was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive in the cruelest ways. In the beginning he used to apologize. By the end, the abuse was always my fault. I guess I hoped with time apart he’d realize some self-blame. But no. Everything was still my fault. I pushed him to be abusive. I rage-baited him to hurt me.
I hate that he still gets under my skin. I hate that it still bothers me that his narrative to himself and his people is so inaccurate. I’m not engaging with him anymore. I’m not arguing. I’ve learned that lesson at least. I just wish I didn’t care.
For now I’m going to try to focus on gratitude and being thankful that my pets and I are out of the worst of it and don’t have to live in fear anymore.