I dont want to use dating apps as I find them dehumanizing and transactional. But I live in a very small southern town, and the only girls near me are women with boyfriends and kids looking for a 3rd. I also dont have snapchat and am not completely active on most social media. Any advice helps.
Hey, y'all, I[19F] think that I'm struggling with compulsary heterosexuality, but I'm not sure. I was hoping for some advice from lesbians that have experienced the same thing. For starters, I've identified as queer since I was like 12 or so; I suppose I've always acknowledged my attraction to girls, but I've usually aligned more with the bi/pan label and ive been comfortable with that for a while until recently. I have been thinking a lot recently about myself and how I choose to present myself to the world, what feels right, yknow? Well, I was thinking earlier, I've always dated men, it's almost like despite my attraction to women, I never imagined that women were actually an option. My relationships with men have been below sub-par, and it's not just their individual shortcomings as partners. I always feel unfulfilled when I date men, I feel dull almost. The sex with men is bad too; I never finish. I do it because I think I want to, and then afterward, I feel gross and almost lonely in a way. Men almost never have anything to offer me, and when I'm dating them, I'm almost always scared I'm going to be with them forever, and I'll never get to be alone again. I often don't feel attracted to men at all unless they are genuinely unique or outrageously beautiful, I also tend to like men who have longer hair. I hold men to impossibly high standards, literally unattainable ones because half of their princess treatment is less than my bare minimum. But I've always been really invested in my relationships despite my attachment, I get jealous and upset when I could feel something going on behind my back. [Which had stopped me from calling myself a lesbian because obviously I had feelings towards those men, despite my detachment to them, so I must atleast have the capacity for loving men, right?] Then I thought to myself a bit more; what if I'm just attracted to the fact that they're attracted to me? I've been single for nearly two years now, and I couldn't be more happy by myself, but I've been thinking lately I'd like some romantic company yk? But then I pictured a man and I thought there is literally no way my life would be BETTER if I was dating a man right now. And then I made peace with loneliness without even acknowledging that I could date a woman. But lately, I've been looking at women differently. I noticed how in porn, I only ever watch it super zoomed in, and I focus on the vagina alone. For the last week or two I've been really getting into gay media, whether it's music, literature, films, whatever, really. And It feels really good and it almost makes me feel inspired in a way. I sometimes have caught myself day dreaming about a beautiful woman that doesn't even exist. I watched Secretary bc my friend mentioned that James Spader was hot, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Maggie Gyllenhaal once during the entire film. I think about girls all the time, and I've been seeing tiktoks about comphet and I was watching them and it started to describe what I feel. So I'm trying to address it instead of running from it like I often do, because something tells me that it's something I'm going to have to face to be happy in my life. I've been thinking about how for a brief period when I was a tween, I identified as a lesbian [had a tumblr page for Sapphic stuff and everything 😂] , but then I stopped when I got my first ever boyfriend. I keep thinking about what would have made me ignore that.
I live in the south, it's very conservative. I was raised southern Baptist but im not religious at all, so I never thought that religion had anything to do with it because I never identified with it. But the more I think, the more I wonder if it actually did affect me. And i think I ignored my attraction to girls and how overwhelming it is because loving a woman always seemed so far out of reach.
And I've never gotten to date a woman but I'm convinced I could love one so so wonderfully.
I dont know. Sorry this is long. I'm very confused any advice is wanted.