u/carissaswierdfan

u get to experience life like no one else ( ^ω^ ) and it’s so rewarding ( ◠‿◠ ) never mind the fact that u will be completely unlovable (*^ω^*) and no one will ever truly understand u (*^▽^*) or even accept u unless u fit extremely tight standards of being a transwoman (*´꒳`*) standards which are of course highly variable meaning u can’t ever truly be free of scrutiny (๑>◡<๑) and whatever u do don’t have feelings bc u will end up alone and it will all be ur fault (^_−)−☆

I have this hon coworker who’s the same age as me and I really don’t like being around her. I don’t think she’s on hrt and she’s extremely clocky. She like rarely shaves and instead will just put orange concealer (no other makeup) all over her face on top of her patchy facial hair. Also she dresses so sneedy, like the worst way you can imagine, yoga pants (untucked) and fishnets under her t shirt which is like something you’d maybe get away with if you were in your teens during the Biden era but not in your late twenties come on. She’s definitely on the spectrum so I feel a little bad for the way I feel but the thing is I try really hard to not draw attention and just being around her increases people staring tenfold. We work public facing jobs and the worst part is she’s moving into my neighborhood and we both rely on public transit which means we are going to have the exact same commute to and from work every single day. I’ve taken the same bus as her before and she’ll sit right next to me and people will stare. I have no idea if she even pays attention to that. My commute is so long too and I’ve seen people react aggressively to people like her. Idk sometimes I worry I’m being too harsh but I really just hate being seen with her.

Wtf is happening man I can’t stand the right wing descent intent on killing us all happening globally.

Today in the US there was a federal ban on all federal funding on any institution that so much as acknowledges that trans people exist.

That means trans healthcare will not exist.

I’m trying so hard to get better but how are you supposed to work towards your future when the world is just spiraling in every regard but especially for us.

By the UN definition of genocide we have actively been in one for years. It’s not just the final solution but also the systematic erasure of rights, incitement of violence, the destroying our lives all in an effort to eliminate us from society. Idk it’s just really hard to see what’s happening to other trans people, what we have to go through. Every week lately you see news of another murder, if not several in a week. We’re constantly under threat and our right to exist is called into question from every media outlet. I think we need to talk more about the genocide because, as the first waves of feminists argued, the personal is political, meaning every story you read of how one of us are neglected or abused or murdered is not just a one off event but one that is directly linked to a much larger political project to eliminate us and our rights.

We were roommates in college, both repping. She was my best friend for years and made me feel so special, most of the time. I was always a little jealous of her because of how easy it was for her to make friends and find romantic relationships. It always felt like she was the only person I felt safe with while she was always bouncing around and kinda kept me around for when her other, more fun relationships failed. Anyway,

I was 18 when I told her I was trans and she told me, she didn’t think I was, so I repped again. Meanwhile she felt encouraged to explore her queer identity, started identifying as bi and hooking up with guys.

Then at 19 I told her I still think I’m trans and she made fun of me, so you still think you want to be a girl. I repped some more and she came out as nonbinary some time later. She also became extremely close to (obsessed with) this passoid troon and started to hang around me less to be with her more.

Another year later at 20 we got a lot closer again. I approached her room one night and told her I was finally going to get an hrt prescription. I vividly remember watching her turn her head towards me away from her computer and coldly tell me “you should think about it” before turning her head away again. Not a month later she told me and a group of friends that she’s trans and is starting hrt. Not joking. I froze in that moment surrounded with people acting so happy for her and encouraging her. I stood there knowing that she was the only person I ever felt safe telling and she pushed me down each and every time I tried telling her the same thing that these people are applauding her for.

I repped heavily after that. She also kicked me out a few months later. I watched her transition on social media. I hated her immensely and I couldn’t tell anyone why I hated her so much because I’d have to out myself.

At 21 I moved into a big house with six friends and had an amazing girlfriend who was extremely supportive to me when I came out and pushed me to get an hrt prescription. This was all during the pandemic which was surprisingly a very good year of my life, honestly the best despite the fact that I was repping hardcore.

I was almost 22 when I finally started hrt. Almost four years down the drain. Later she told me how much I helped her come to terms with herself and I told her how each time I came out to her she rejected me and pushed me down. She gave a fake apology and we haven’t spoken since, except for the time recently I reached out to her and we talked until I mentioned I finally got ffs covered after years of trying and she ghosted me.

I still get so jealous of her. She manages to jump between serious long term relationships. That gf I had didn’t last and I’ve been single since I began my transition five years ago. Idk I just hold so much animosity towards her. My life probably would’ve still been hard if she had given me the support I needed, but I can’t help to feel like she added gasoline onto the fire that is my life and used me to make her life better without ever helping mine.

There was a time shortly after I began hrt that she came back into my life and we got closer than we ever had before. I felt like we understood each other like no one else. Her life was hard too and we both deserved so much better. Sometimes I imagine a world where we both got the childhood we deserved.

I always have a bad taste in my mouth hours after venting to this nb person I know about just shit I deal with. Nb people act like they get it when their whole concept of transitioning is adding “they/them” to their instagram bios and getting a queer haircut. Being trans is not a contest but nb people love to act like it is despite having no experience of crippling dysphoria. Being fruity and being a tranny are nothing alike