u/carrerahorse

We have an autistic son (27M). Son and I together cook for holidays and hang out. Husband disengages and just goes to his room while we do all the work cooking and organizing. I love spending the day with my son and he’s fun, but why can’t my husband engage and participate with us? This happens most days and every holiday.

We cooked all morning for a nice July 4th. While food was in the smoker, son and I sat down and had a cocktail and played cards. We talk about deep stuff. I want him to feel good about holidays, but feel like I carry the emotional load. I texted my husband and asked him to come in and join us. Asked him this morning while I was making coffee why he didn’t come and join us - he says he didn’t get the text. I’m going to continue to press this issue.

Anybody else?

I’m in Oregon on my trip that I’ve been pining over for 3 years. And my spouse came along. For 1 week.

We’ve been married 30 yrs (me 62 F) and hubby now 77M. Raised triplets who are now 27 (one has epilepsy and autism and lives with us while going to college and looking do a job). Other two kids have finished college and live far away. My DH had a stroke 3 years ago and has lumbar stenosis. He has some cognitive deficits from the stroke, but not super bad. He limits his schedule to doing stuff in the morning and napping in the afternoon. We’ve had our relationship struggles over the years - he was short-tempered and emotionally abusive. What was I? Imperfect. Our relationship was ending and I had planned to tell him I wanted a divorce the morning that he had his stroke. But I stayed. And here I am caring for him and our son. Our relationship is still strained, but better than it was. Haven’t had sex in 12 years. I miss feeling loved.

A few weeks ago I told him that I was burned out and want to take a trip up the Oregon coast, just for me. All I want to do is sit on a deck with my dog and watch the ocean. He asked why. And I said because I need some time just for me when nobody asks me to do anything for them. And you two (DH and son) will be okay without me for a while. And that I need to go for me. And I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. Probably several weeks.

I’m crying myself to sleep tonight because being here feels the same as being at home caring for him. In 3 days he leaves to fly home.