u/cassavaironi_

As I said in my previous post, I'm not a stable person. I know that because of my actions, the constant overthinking and having anxious feeling whenever I'm alone in public. Because I wasn't exposed to public even as a child, I think it's because of the pandemic that truly built my anxiousness whenever I'm alone in public... And whenever someone mistake my words for an insult, I WANTED to explain how things actually going on in me. And it's not for dramatics but I actually lost my father when I was 16, and I'm an only child. And my mom is old to work too much, and those problems truly burned me. I hate people who judged someone just because how they acted and how they look, but reality? You don't know what their going through. I realized this when I was 9, when my father and mother suddenly got hospitalized. And I have to drop out of school just to take care them. It's truly sad, how people judge people like me immediately and even started posting how problematic I am... I know I am, and I'm not denying it. I'm just scared to tell my reality cuz it's either I get judge or people may say I'm trying hard to look weak so people would pity me...

Yes, I know for myself I'm an unstable human being. I get anxious and overthink things alot, as in alot. I thought when I finally have a friend group things would be finally at peace, because since elementary school I only have one close friend (So let say you can count my close friends with your hands). And then senior came and I thought everything was the usual when suddenly I had a friend group.

When thinking of friend group, the thing came up with my mind is the people who's always there at your lowest or highest. But since I didn't have any cof in my whole life, this is the first time I felt free. Because we matched humors and attitudes, but I realized now that I'm a graduating student. I realized how I forced to tolerate each one of their attitude so I can fit in, I realized that I was tolerating there rude gestures because I was scared to be alone again.

The truth slaps me when they cutted me of for the mistake I did. (My mistake wasn't intentional, as I said I wasn't a stable person.) I thought they we're my helping hand, my shoulder to lean on. But I didn't realize that every move I did is judged, every words I spoke is taken as an insult to them. (Yes I was aware I have a vulgar mouth because I adapted their wording after being friends for a year.) That's how I realized that I've changed and ruin myself just to fit in, I wasn't really a rude person. I'm sensitive and have a soft heart for everyone.

But you'll be probably wondering, "why not tell them how you feel?", it's worthless because it's either I look pathetic in their eyes or I'm an insult in thier mind.

And now I'm all alone, I finally realized that I've depended on them too much that I also realized that I can figure out things without asking fot their help or presence.

But I still have that anxious feeling whenever I open my social media, as If I'm scared to look at thier notes in ig or messenger. So if you can help me solve this, help get independent and remove this anxious feeling and let me be confident again. I want to learn things my ways and don't care about people judging me over and over.:)