u/catboyprincess

just wanted to say that finding the sub the other day was the final step of cracking my egg. I saw all the amazing pics of y'all and was like "oh my god, YES"

anyway, I came out to all my friends today as a trans guy:) thanks u guys 🏳️‍⚧️💘

does anyone else relate to this/does anyone have advice?

to start, i know i need to get a therapist. i am poor, and trying to get financially stable enough to reach out to a sliding scale option i have picked out, but for now I am not able to afford therapy and i do not have insurance, so im doing internet therapy for the time being hahah. believe me i want a therapist desperately i think about it every day okay here we go.

so i (27F) am pretty sure that one of my special interests is community and socializing. i think about it all the time, i am obsessed with meeting new people, bringing people together, experiencing new things with friends, etc. I read books about socializing and the art of hosting, i run a community group in my city, i love planning events for my workplace, and i am truly addicted to it i fear.

now, my ADHD loves it, the novelty of friendship it is so addicting. am i truly feel recharged and so incredibly happy when im in a group with my friends. but it is also so exhausting for my autism. despite my interest in socializing, i often still feel i dont fully grasp all its rules, and in groups where i dont know people well, or i am still new friends with people, i end the hang out with my brain almost on fire from all the masking i am doing. my autism loves routines, i like doing my chores on the same day every week, and i have even requested a day off from my coffee shop so i can have an anchor day in my week that i always know i have off for this purpose. i love cooking for myself and i do crave alone time often.

but my ADHD definitely drives my person. my impulsivity and love of stimulation and pleasure with others almost always wins out against my autism's loud screaming for a nice quiet night in, or a chance to ground myself with updating my calendar, doing my budget, meal prepping (things that will make me feel comfort because i know what's coming/what to expect from my week, my bank account, etc). i have even started letting people plan things with me on my anchor day, which i was previously very strict about keeping just for myself.

i literally feel addicted to making plans, and i dont know how to stop. I feel so depressed when I'm alone. I hate it so much, the pleasure and fun i feel from being with people is feels impossible for me to reach on my own. i KNOW i can enjoy time alone, but it requires so more effort from myself than being with others. I know i need to do some inner work on this, but i literally will not let myself be alone to do that MF inner work.

im friends with all my coworkers at my coffee shop, i play soccer with all my friends once a week and i live with my friends as well. i have a huge social life and basically in every aspect of my life and almost every day i have people asking me if i want to hang out. OR if people dont ask me, i will ask them!! even when i dont have time in my week!! like, ill be talking to a coworker about volleyball, and she'll say 'i really want to play with you and everyone at work' and my brain will be SO EXCITED about the idea that ill bend over backwards to try and make it happen. this will often result in any alone time in my week being eaten into, getting behind on my chores and my other work from home job, and also overstimulation.

i basically always experience a crash around thursday or friday every week from sheer stress of how much ive planned. things i need to get done all pile up for the weekend, but that's when i work at my coffee shop the most, and when my girlfriend and i have all our plans happen, theres no time. i also will often reach my social limit around this time but will have more things planned for the next few days and often ill have to cancel them or go into them and just be okay with having a bit of a breakdown on my way home from them.

but this is the kind of person ive showed people i am. so my friends rely on me to take charge of making plans and initiating hangouts with them. if i stop, people stop asking me to do things and theyve told me that they assume its because i dont want to see them. so ive kind of dug myself into a hole. i also feel very sensitive to rejection, and i worry that if i change my life style to center my autism more, which would mean less socializing and more me time, my friends would stop inviting me to as many things, or become disappointed with my "real" personality.

so it almost feels like my ADHD bullies my autism into submission:( but the combination of my impulsivity, and the fact that other people (very reasonably) expect on me to follow through on plans that i made with them (and will have negative reactions if i cancel), and my difficulty being alone makes it feel almost impossible to break the cycle. i know i need to stop making so many plans, but i dont know how because even if i dont ask people, they will ask me.

and honestly it just truly feels addicting, i know its self destructive, and yet i continue to do it.

TLDR: im addicted to socializing and my ADHD is not letting my autism have a chance at getting what it needs. any advice?