u/cattlelac

Hi I’m a male, 32 and in the US Northeast. I’ve always been curious about my sexuality but never really had a good chance to explore it. I’ve tried to explore, I’ve done some small things here and there, but feel really restricted in doing more and embarrassed when I do. It’s been hard for me to find someone romantically interested that I’m actually interested in back. There have been some sparks, but ultimately nothing more than that.

I denied myself this option for a long time, but its always lingered. Like I said, it’s not like I’ve done absolutely 0, but it’s been sparse and shallow and when it’s over pushed deep down. A few times in life I told myself that I must be bisexual. I have interest in men and women. Ive been curious about how deep I could take a relationship with a man and if I’d actually like it. Like I said, I’ve had situations with a few dates, but nothing more.

I have a religious background. I recently decided that I felt comfortable enough speaking with a parish leader about this. We had a long conversation about this topic and he’s assured me that there’s nothing wrong with me. These feelings are natural and confusing for most people that experience them. He told me I was loved by God, my family, and him no matter what. However, I’ve been sternly told to never act on it.

I’ve asked a lot about this because I have acted on it before, but not sure how I feel about it. He told me it’s a big sin, but God will forgive me, but just to never let it happen again, but if I feel tempted to let him know and he’ll get me the right help.

Since I’ve opened up about this 6 months ago, I’ve been getting lots of “check ins.” He speaks with me before and after church, usually beforehand to check in about how I’m doing (and if I’m being “good”) and then after to talk about how the service could relate to my situation and every so often “homework.” Such as, “praying once a day to shut down those ideas.”

We go out to eat 2x per month. It’s more casual chat, but he’ll ask me a lot of questions about how I’m dealing with all this. He will text me 2x per week to check in as well. Things he might ask are if I’ve been tempted this week or if I met anyone that I may have these feelings for. I’ve brought up my confusion and deeper feelings a few times but just get pushback on the topic, “it’s wrong” or “don’t act on it” or related themes, but doesn’t let me actually open up. I get a lot of emotional help that I do need related to feeling isolated and the other negative feelings that come along with all this, but never anything around the actual root of why I feel these negative feelings about myself or how to really understand how I feel.

I think I want to go out and try meeting a guy again. I’m really feeling cornered into not doing that. Not in an aggressive or sinister way, but I am really getting more into my own beliefs and I see where they’re coming from in a way, mostly from a “be less sexual” aspect of things. My counselor doesn’t really want me dating women yet, but I’m encouraged to only find one in the church when I’m ready so that we don’t have to worry about me losing “focus.” I’m not pressured into that yet, but I think within a year or so that pressure may start.

I’ve been on the apps like Grindr etc but really hate them because it’s all sex focused and not really a good app for interaction. I know that I shouldn’t judge my experiences with the community and with men in general based on those apps. I did meet one boy organically, but that relationship failed after a month because we were both unsure/worried about taking it any further. Mostly because we didn’t know what we were doing (when you’re young you don’t really know what you’re doing in love or relationships). He also has a religious background.

Like I’ve been getting at, I want to have one more honest try with something meaningful with a man. I don’t know which I fear more: liking it or disliking it. I don’t think I could hide this from my counselor if it happened. I see value in having an honest relationship with him, he’s a very nice guy and really supportive in other ways. He does encourage me to distance myself from people that know/encourage my exploring, but it’s not forced upon me, but it feels expected. I’m starting to question that distance piece of this. I also decided to open up with the counselor in a time where many of my friends withdrew socially because they have been having major life events. The distance piece seems like a bit of a red flag.

It’s not like a cult situation or anything, it’s a regular church. The community is very educated with most parishioners having an advanced degree. It’s in a very liberal area of the country and the parishioners lean blue to moderate. There are people I know from outside of church that go there and they’re normal and respected people in the community. Everything appears healthy to me, but I feel restricted. I feel like this is a big commitment I’m making to just ignore these feelings. It feels like I’m getting married to someone I’ve never even met.

But again, I do see myself being with a woman long-term. It may not be worth exploring. I may dislike it again. I may like it (I have in the past but it’s been rare). It may also scare the right woman off when she comes along. But I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do. I have been deep in the “don’t act on it” mindset for many months now, but starting to wonder if this mindset is healthy. Maybe I am just confused and should ignore it. I go back and forth, but feel safe to be clear. If I did act on it and tell my counselor, it would be fine, there’s no punishment but they will probably want me to attend Bible study more and the texts/calls with the counselor will probably increase.

I’ve been thinking of brining this situation up slowly to my therapist, but I’m embarrassed about what he may think. I also want the decision to be mine and mine alone - not my therapist’s decision nor my counselor’s. Getting pressure from different perspectives will make me uncomfortable. I have enough to think about as is!

I wouldn’t be able to do another app again (for men or women) because it’s just not me. I really want to meet someone organically. I’ve been getting involved with a young adults group with my denomination from the surrounding churches. Most people are single. There are girls there that I find interesting, but not enough to pursue. I feel like after another year, my counselor is going to start encouraging me to date again, but like I said, within the church preferred. For the male side of meeting someone organically, I don’t know how that would work.

I am on the more masculine side of things and religious so people don’t really expect this from me, hence the embarrassment. Sometimes after getting to know someone they may question me, but that makes me even more embarrassed because I’m not choosing to give that information and makes me feel unsafe, even if I know this person is an ally or LGBT. I think I could turn up the flirting if I met a man I thought or knew was G or B if I met them in public. Because I’m more masculine, I feel like it’s on me to do the “asking out” because a) they may not know that I’m actually hitting on them and/or b) expecting a guy that asks them out instead.

I’m not exactly looking for a feminine guy or more masculine guy anymore. I’m just looking for that connection. I do have a few fantasies and a small understanding of what I like and don’t like. I like romance and things like that: planning dates, initiating conversations, buying flowers, etc but it feels hard for me to build that connection with a man, am I just expecting the wrong things?

Obviously physical and romantic attraction need to be there, but I also have two other things that I’d want to tick off on my list to feel like I’m giving it a “good try.” First, I want to try being with a partner that leads a bit more. I have some anxiety issues and having a guy be a bit “bossy” is very attractive because I feel like I’d get to relax a bit and take away some stress. I’m larger, strong, hairy, have a beard, and just really attract people that are expecting me to be more “dominant,” but the truth is that I just don’t want to have to live up to that expectation. It also really helps with my mental issues when I know I can just take a step back and if I need grounding rely on a partner for that.

Second, and related to the previous point, is sexual compatibility. I think I’m a bottom. The few times I have actually tried to do something with a guy, I’ve topped. Only topped because the men I attract want that. With women, obviously the active partner. But I actually prefer being the passive partner. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m lazy, but we can add this to the “reasons I’m questioning” pile. I have a terrible gag reflex so it’s hard to give oral, but I do enjoy giving it when I can. I just feel pressured into giving a grade A blowjob and I just can’t live up to that standard and a lot of guys aren’t willing to sit there and wait for me to get used to their dick, they want a good blowjob right then and there and lose interest quickly. I wonder if it’s really my gag reflex ending the blowjobs or if it’s just because I really don’t like it. I’m sorry I’m not as experienced as everyone else, but it just makes me feel bad when I’m not “doing it right.” Same with bottoming. I’ve really only had random hookups, that’s the extent of my experimentation. When I have been able to find a guy that will let me bottom, I either get nervous or it hurts too much. I’ve asked to be eased into it, but that doesn’t really work. The one time I was actually able to try it without excruciating pain, I like it, but that could have also just purely been the prostate stimulation.

Anyway, I can see arguments being made in my head for either side. Almost like a devil on one side and the angel on the other. It’s confusing. I am reluctant to try anything else, but I also am curious about a “one last and true” shot at trying to explore my sexuality, but it is completely possible that I may try it and dislike it.

I have a lot to consider, especially with the religious aspect, but if I could meet a guy organically that would understand, I think I’d actually try it this time. Not just letting these feelings pass or going on one date just to ghost him or just having a random hookup and never speaking.

How do you make up your mind with this kind of thing? Has anyone ever regretted their “exploration” like I have/do? Is this regret from my community or is it just how I actually feel? How would experimenting look this time? Will I have my heart broken? Will this get worse or better? How do I separate my own interests from my other emotional restrictions? Is all this healthy?

Hi I’m a male, 32 and in the US Northeast. I’ve always been curious about my sexuality but never really had a good chance to explore it. I’ve tried to explore, I’ve done some small things here and there, but feel really restricted in doing more and embarrassed when I do. It’s been hard for me to find someone romantically interested that I’m actually interested in back. There have been some sparks, but ultimately nothing more than that.

I denied myself this option for a long time, but its always lingered. Like I said, it’s not like I’ve done absolutely 0, but it’s been sparse and shallow and when it’s over pushed deep down. A few times in life I told myself that I must be bisexual. I have interest in men and women. Ive been curious about how deep I could take a relationship with a man and if I’d actually like it. Like I said, I’ve had situations with a few dates, but nothing more.

I have a religious background. I recently decided that I felt comfortable enough speaking with a parish leader about this. We had a long conversation about this topic and he’s assured me that there’s nothing wrong with me. These feelings are natural and confusing for most people that experience them. He told me I was loved by God, my family, and him no matter what. However, I’ve been sternly told to never act on it.

I’ve asked a lot about this because I have acted on it before, but not sure how I feel about it. He told me it’s a big sin, but God will forgive me, but just to never let it happen again, but if I feel tempted to let him know and he’ll get me the right help.

Since I’ve opened up about this 6 months ago, I’ve been getting lots of “check ins.” He speaks with me before and after church, usually beforehand to check in about how I’m doing (and if I’m being “good”) and then after to talk about how the service could relate to my situation and every so often “homework.” Such as, “praying once a day to shut down those ideas.”

We go out to eat 2x per month. It’s more casual chat, but he’ll ask me a lot of questions about how I’m dealing with all this. He will text me 2x per week to check in as well. Things he might ask are if I’ve been tempted this week or if I met anyone that I may have these feelings for. I’ve brought up my confusion and deeper feelings a few times but just get pushback on the topic, “it’s wrong” or “don’t act on it” or related themes, but doesn’t let me actually open up. I get a lot of emotional help that I do need related to feeling isolated and the other negative feelings that come along with all this, but never anything around the actual root of why I feel these negative feelings about myself or how to really understand how I feel.

I think I want to go out and try meeting a guy again. I’m really feeling cornered into not doing that. Not in an aggressive or sinister way, but I am really getting more into my own beliefs and I see where they’re coming from in a way, mostly from a “be less sexual” aspect of things. My counselor doesn’t really want me dating women yet, but I’m encouraged to only find one in the church when I’m ready so that we don’t have to worry about me losing “focus.” I’m not pressured into that yet, but I think within a year or so that pressure may start.

I’ve been on the apps like Grindr etc but really hate them because it’s all sex focused and not really a good app for interaction. I know that I shouldn’t judge my experiences with the community and with men in general based on those apps. I did meet one boy organically, but that relationship failed after a month because we were both unsure/worried about taking it any further. Mostly because we didn’t know what we were doing (when you’re young you don’t really know what you’re doing in love or relationships). He also has a religious background.

Like I’ve been getting at, I want to have one more honest try with something meaningful with a man. I don’t know which I fear more: liking it or disliking it. I don’t think I could hide this from my counselor if it happened. I see value in having an honest relationship with him, he’s a very nice guy and really supportive in other ways. He does encourage me to distance myself from people that know/encourage my exploring, but it’s not forced upon me, but it feels expected. I’m starting to question that distance piece of this. I also decided to open up with the counselor in a time where many of my friends withdrew socially because they have been having major life events. The distance piece seems like a bit of a red flag.

It’s not like a cult situation or anything, it’s a regular church. The community is very educated with most parishioners having an advanced degree. It’s in a very liberal area of the country and the parishioners lean blue to moderate. There are people I know from outside of church that go there and they’re normal and respected people in the community. Everything appears healthy to me, but I feel restricted. I feel like this is a big commitment I’m making to just ignore these feelings. It feels like I’m getting married to someone I’ve never even met.

But again, I do see myself being with a woman long-term. It may not be worth exploring. I may dislike it again. I may like it (I have in the past but it’s been rare). It may also scare the right woman off when she comes along. But I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do. I have been deep in the “don’t act on it” mindset for many months now, but starting to wonder if this mindset is healthy. Maybe I am just confused and should ignore it. I go back and forth, but feel safe to be clear. If I did act on it and tell my counselor, it would be fine, there’s no punishment but they will probably want me to attend Bible study more and the texts/calls with the counselor will probably increase.

I’ve been thinking of brining this situation up slowly to my therapist, but I’m embarrassed about what he may think. I also want the decision to be mine and mine alone - not my therapist’s decision nor my counselor’s. Getting pressure from different perspectives will make me uncomfortable. I have enough to think about as is!

I wouldn’t be able to do another app again (for men or women) because it’s just not me. I really want to meet someone organically. I’ve been getting involved with a young adults group with my denomination from the surrounding churches. Most people are single. There are girls there that I find interesting, but not enough to pursue. I feel like after another year, my counselor is going to start encouraging me to date again, but like I said, within the church preferred. For the male side of meeting someone organically, I don’t know how that would work.

I am on the more masculine side of things and religious so people don’t really expect this from me, hence the embarrassment. Sometimes after getting to know someone they may question me, but that makes me even more embarrassed because I’m not choosing to give that information and makes me feel unsafe, even if I know this person is an ally or LGBT. I think I could turn up the flirting if I met a man I thought or knew was G or B if I met them in public. Because I’m more masculine, I feel like it’s on me to do the “asking out” because a) they may not know that I’m actually hitting on them and/or b) expecting a guy that asks them out instead.

I’m not exactly looking for a feminine guy or more masculine guy anymore. I’m just looking for that connection. I do have a few fantasies and a small understanding of what I like and don’t like. I like romance and things like that: planning dates, initiating conversations, buying flowers, etc but it feels hard for me to build that connection with a man, am I just expecting the wrong things?

Obviously physical and romantic attraction need to be there, but I also have two other things that I’d want to tick off on my list to feel like I’m giving it a “good try.” First, I want to try being with a partner that leads a bit more. I have some anxiety issues and having a guy be a bit “bossy” is very attractive because I feel like I’d get to relax a bit and take away some stress. I’m larger, strong, hairy, have a beard, and just really attract people that are expecting me to be more “dominant,” but the truth is that I just don’t want to have to live up to that expectation. It also really helps with my mental issues when I know I can just take a step back and if I need grounding rely on a partner for that.

Second, and related to the previous point, is sexual compatibility. I think I’m a bottom. The few times I have actually tried to do something with a guy, I’ve topped. Only topped because the men I attract want that. With women, obviously the active partner. But I actually prefer being the passive partner. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m lazy, but we can add this to the “reasons I’m questioning” pile. I have a terrible gag reflex so it’s hard to give oral, but I do enjoy giving it when I can. I just feel pressured into giving a grade A blowjob and I just can’t live up to that standard and a lot of guys aren’t willing to sit there and wait for me to get used to their dick, they want a good blowjob right then and there and lose interest quickly. I wonder if it’s really my gag reflex ending the blowjobs or if it’s just because I really don’t like it. I’m sorry I’m not as experienced as everyone else, but it just makes me feel bad when I’m not “doing it right.” Same with bottoming. I’ve really only had random hookups, that’s the extent of my experimentation. When I have been able to find a guy that will let me bottom, I either get nervous or it hurts too much. I’ve asked to be eased into it, but that doesn’t really work. The one time I was actually able to try it without excruciating pain, I like it, but that could have also just purely been the prostate stimulation.

Anyway, I can see arguments being made in my head for either side. Almost like a devil on one side and the angel on the other. It’s confusing. I am reluctant to try anything else, but I also am curious about a “one last and true” shot at trying to explore my sexuality, but it is completely possible that I may try it and dislike it.

I have a lot to consider, especially with the religious aspect, but if I could meet a guy organically that would understand, I think I’d actually try it this time. Not just letting these feelings pass or going on one date just to ghost him or just having a random hookup and never speaking.

How do you make up your mind with this kind of thing? Has anyone ever regretted their “exploration” like I have/do? Is this regret from my community or is it just how I actually feel? How would experimenting look this time? Will I have my heart broken? Will this get worse or better? How do I separate my own interests from my other emotional restrictions? Is all this healthy?