u/cellardoor-petrichor

My father died three years ago now, I was completely devastated. He was 65, I was 31. He had MS then got Covid after going into hospital for a DVT. I felt so numb by it. My brother died two years before and I think both losses hit me again all at once. I wrote a lot and it helped get me through it. I have been thinking about him a lot recently and came across something I wrote. I don’t know what I really wanted to say, other than I get it, I read other people’s posts and it resonates. I think I want to share these. I am by no means anything other than someone who wrote things down as I was experiencing them.

I hope

I hope when I die
My children are old.
They have learnt
How to live without me.
They have children, spouses, lives.
I hope they miss me, in the way you miss a favourite food, or book or smell.
I hope they never have to feel,
The crushing reality of losing me before they have learnt how to to live without me.
That the pain of my loss does not keep them awake at night.
And hurt their heart.

A moment

For a moment
I forgot
I forgot you were gone
I could hear your laugh
Like you were still here
I could hold your hand
And touch you
There were no words
I didn’t need any
Your face was enough

Then I remembered.

My father died three years ago now, I was completely devastated. He was 65, I was 31. He had MS then got Covid after going into hospital for a DVT. I felt so numb by it. My brother died two years before and I think both losses hit me again all at once. I wrote a lot and it helped get me through it. I have been thinking about him a lot recently and came across something I wrote. I don’t know what I really wanted to say, other than I get it, I read other people’s posts and it resonates. I think I want to share these. I am by no means anything other than someone who wrote things down as I was experiencing them.

I hope

I hope when I die
My children are old.
They have learnt
How to live without me.
They have children, spouses, lives.
I hope they miss me, in the way you miss a favourite food, or book or smell.
I hope they never have to feel,
The crushing reality of losing me before they have learnt how to to live without me.
That the pain of my loss does not keep them awake at night.
And hurt their heart.

A moment

For a moment
I forgot
I forgot you were gone
I could hear your laugh
Like you were still here
I could hold your hand
And touch you
There were no words
I didn’t need any
Your face was enough

Then I remembered.