I am a muslim girl who's gay and I have no idea who I am anymore.
I am 18F and I am a south asian. To be clear, I am not ashamed of my culture or my religion by any means, I am just full of guilt and having a slight identity crisis.
I don't know if I should've posted in a muslim subforum, but I was scared I'd get homophobic comments and worried people would make me feel worse than I already feel.
I have been an immigrant since I popped out of the womb, I've been staying in the middle east (south asians basically reign all over the place), and I've had a normal life.
My family is very religious, but it wasn't suffocating or oppressive in any way. Mostly just mandatory rituals, modest clothing with hijab, and no relationships. I could go out alone, with my friends, I could listen to music, watch movies whatever. Which is why I feel guilty, my parents have been very loving and I couldn't ask for more.
It was freshman year of highschool where I befriended my soon to be best friend. We clicked so well (she's also muslim but possibly less religious). We'd spend so much time together and call each other everyday. And up until then I was okay with my religion. Kinda heavily half assing it, and not really all that faithful but I was still muslim at heart. Then I really started seeing her in a different way, I developed feelings for her slowly and I kept denying it in my head. And thought maybe she's just a very close friend and I just feel emotionally attached, but I knew that wasn't the case by mid sophomore year. I started thinking about her endlessly. Like every thought led back to her and it was confusing and I didn't know what to do. Aren't I muslim? How do I deal with that? How do I deal with feeling this way? Isn't this haram?
And another point is, she has been giving me mixed signals. Like it messed with my mind so much. And she has talked to me about possibly liking girls. We'd always flirt but I never knew whether it was platonic or whether there was something real. Never knew whether lines have ever been crossed. One day I just couldn't handle my feelings and just told her. Over text mind you. And she was just shocked. I don't know what came over me, and I was regretting everything. I thought I had lost a great friendship. She was one of the best people I've ever met.
It was awkward seeing her in school the next few days and I kept telling her that I had got it confused and realized I don't really like her anymore after confessing and refused to talk about it (heavy cope btw) . She'd keep trying to bring it up and I'd brush it off. She finally got me to talk about it and she said she felt the same way. She felt hesitant about starting a relationship though. It was valid because I was moving countries after sophomore year and going to a boarding school (worst news of my life).
But after my many pleas (I kind of gaslighted her and told her I wanna be at my happiest before I leave and I'd regret it forever if we didn't get together), she agreed and actually asked me first. And we had the best ever few months. The best months of my life I'd say. We only had about 5 months left before I go to boarding school and we made every moment last. We fought a lot and we'd quickly get back and it was all good. We were so crazy in love, it was just one of the best feelings of my life. We kissed, made out, sexted, and had thoughts of going further but never did, we were only 16. But then the time came where I had to move.
And it was the worst, my parents had suspicious, confiscated all my devices, there was huge drama, most depressing times of my life, could not talk to her at all. All this happened in my final week there. We were supposed to meet up to say goodbyes. I had been really good at hiding my tracks but I guess I slipped up once and my mom probably read my chats. To this day I still have no idea what she read that could have made her react this bad. The hangout was cancelled, the internet at my house was cut and no telephone calls either. I barely talked to her in my last few days, and then I moved. And my device usage was still strictly restricted.
At this time, I hated my parents. But now I get where they are coming from I guess, being lesbian is so fucking haram and all. They never hit me or abused me or anything, just lectured me a lot, but never addressed why. They never mentioned why they're restricting everything, I just sort of guessed it's because they found my chats. God forbid they found the nudes i sent her because holy shit that would've been fucking universal humiliation. I crashed out a lot and kept asking them why and they never said. I kept crying myself to sleep and wondering why life is so cruel when all I did was just love someone else. The universe was against me, the one thing I wanted, I could not get. I didn't want anything else but her at that time. And no one was letting me. If any of you had been in a forbidden love situation (is that what you call it?), you'd know how devastated I felt.
Then it was hell. I went to boarding school (very much against my will, my parents sent me there because I needed fixing, they never said that, but I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt), There were no devices at all there, and I come home every month for 3 days. And naturally our long distance relationship fell apart, like most, our relationship was built on talking every day and knowing everything about each others lives. When that was gone, it was inevitable we'd break up. We broke up near the one year mark. And it was sad and devastating but I've been so away from her that I got accustomed to it and it didn't really feel all that different. I was so busy at my boarding school (which I had grown to like, made me a better person), and though I did think about her from time to time, I was still so busy, I couldn't dwell on it. Three months of no contact and she randomly comes texting and told me she missed me, and we KIND OF flirted a lot and it was really nice, this was in one of my leaves (I could onyl talk to her in my leaves). After that, I had a tiny hope we'd get back together. But soon after she said she had a crush on someone else and I was crushed. But was supportive. I know why exes can't ever be friends again now.
I went back there in my senior year and obviously met her, and we were in her room, and one thing led to another and we were just making out like crazy. I had to leave after a while because my parents only let me at her house for a few hours, Both our parents have long standing beef because of the incident of my parents finding out. (they called her parents and accused them of raising her bad and influencing me to be homo). We barely talked about it after that. Us making out was just idk a little slip I guess.
We barely talked obviously because of my obvious obstacle, my boarding school. And our friendship was never the same fun free one it used to be back in early highschool. It was ruined and I don't know if it could be salvaged, we were just too different. I had changed and so had she. We slowly stopped talking. And now we dont talk at all, we still have mutual friends and I do talk to them but I dont think I am ever going back there again which rules out any chance of meeting her or the said mutual friends ever again.
I have moved on, definitely. I do think about her sometimes and wonders if she's doing well. I do not want to get back with her, unless I am in some utopia where anything I wish can happen. Unfortunately in this world, its impossible and I dont think I want to get into the toxicity that was our relationship.
Now the reason I vented about all that was because I had thought it was a one time thing and that she was the only girl Id like and that i wasnt necessarily gay. I still found men attractive and was in a way straight. I'm still figuring it out, so the rest of my senior year, I believed I was straight and tried moving through figuring everything out. And then there was this other girl I started getting feelings for. In the beginning I wished she was my ex when we were together talking or something. But few weeks of that, I just realized how stupid I'm being and just stopped. I started liking this new girl and it was even worse because my boarding school is heavily islamic and everyone around me is as straight as a stick and my life would be so over if they knew who I really was. So I just stayed closeted and it was the absolute worst. It's an all girls dorm and me and this girl got really close and we'd cuddle together to sleep and massage each others heads, and all that shit. And I feel so guilty because she probably thinks nothing of it and all of that is just feeding my affection for her. That was pretty shortlived too and I graduated from that school.
I needed to tell someone about this but I really cant. No one would understand, no one knows this part of me, no one knows I liked girls, that I've kissed a girl, that I fell in love with another girl who is so faithful to islam it hurts. The only person who knows is my ex gf and our mutual friends, and I can't really vent to them about this. If I said anythign to our mutual friends, it'd find its way back to her and that would hurt my ego.
What am I doing with my life. I've been so consumed by the guilt of lying to my parents about all this. I've told my mom that whatever she saw was just us joking, (many months later after the incident) and she seemed to believe me after I convinced her so bad. I feel like I'm living a double life. I've pretended to be halal asf in my boarding school. They all probably thought I was the most faithful kid there. No one knows I am currently larping islam. I never pray or do anything. The only reason theres a scarf on my head is because I look ugly without it and my parents would probably disown me if I didn't wear it. My parents think I'm this reformed wonderful kid who changed after boarding school and is so religious yada yada. I feel disgusted at myself? Why couldn't I be normal. How do I live like this. In our culture, its almost always an arranged marriage. And I've grown to just reluctantly accept that and be okay with it. I know I'll get married to some rando soon. How am I supposed to keep this islam charade going? I feel like I'm taking it too far. I'm faking it too much. What if I get a nice husband and I have to fake beign muslim to him and our future children. I'd be living a fucking lie. And I'd die being a horrible person and a liar.
I don't know what I should do. Coming clean about all this a big and massive no. It could compromise my future, my dreams, my career. My parents cannot know. I'd be an outcast and I know I've said they'd probably disown me, but thats not true. They do love me and have done so much. They'd probably be so disappointed and talk me out of it and say its a mental issue liking the same gender. I'm their first child and they'd probably blame themselves for me turning out this way because they didn't raise me well enough. It's just how their mindsets are wired and I cant change that. That's what they were born into. They were born into believing that men can only love women and vice versa. Anything other than that is a screw loose from the head. They'd put me in therapy probably and convince me I'm not gay. I'm still attracted to men and I wont ever go back to my previous ways. But I can't change my past.
And I can't keep faking my life anymore.
Sorry if this post was all over the place and not interesting or whatever. But I really needed to get it out.