u/chawcolate

I met a man about 4 months ago, and I know for a fact he loves me truly and dearly. We are in our mid-30s. I know to some people, that is very fast to declare that level of love but he feels the way he feels. He says he’s no longer in a honeymoon phase, that this feels real for him. My emotions move slower, you can say I’m very cautious in love. I do love him and tell him I love him but do I want “forever” with him? Do I want to buy a house and have him as my life partner? I don’t know.

Tldr at the end.

He’s hurt because I came to him recently telling him I was feeling unhappy in our relationship. I come from a traditional family and even though I don’t define myself as very traditional, I do like some of the set up of man-providing, woman-caring. We, however, don’t fit those roles very well despite how much I may want it. I admittedly always wanted to be a “power couple” (which feels a little more modern than just man-provides etc.) with someone who made about the same as I did but when I got older and ambitions faded, I adjusted my expectations but that deep desire never really went away.

I make more money than him (60k vs 100k) and feel a bit obligated to take on more spending when we’re together. He hasn’t saved money in 2 years because “he gave up on buying a house by 35”. While 35 isn’t the goal for me, I never gave up on owning because it’s a dream I have so I’m still trying. He also works much less than I do, which contributed to the salary discrepancy.
A big piece of this is he doesn’t handle any criticism of the relationship well, as when I approached him with why I was a bit unhappy with our set-up, he took it as him “not being enough”, or me “not appreciating him” but really I was trying to see if we can change our dynamic where I can feel more “pampered and taken care of” because I want us to be endgame but I also know what I’m looking for in a relationship. For the record, he is trying to up his income, I’m okay with my income, so I don’t necessarily think it’s a money discrepancy.

When I asked if he can “do more” like plan dates or take more initiative, he says he has “performance anxiety” and that he feels like he’s “constantly being evaluated” and “told he’s not good enough” and “that he already tries so hard” and “i’m asking for too much.” And then he turns it around on me asking, “why can’t you pamper me?” but the thing is, he never asks for that nor is that a problem where he finds himself unhappy because I don’t do it. In fact, I give him massages, sent him food to his house when he hasn’t had time to cook, I bought him flowers, an expensive bday present, I pay for dinners, and always plan for activities we can do together when we’re in my neighborhood. I don’t expect him to take on ALL the burden as if I’m just here for a ride. Instead I told him that this is how I feel “taken care of”, like someone else takes the reigns for a bit, instead of me planning the next thing or anticipating someone else’s needs. I tried to frame it as: “I love you but I also need you to take the trash out more,” and his response was sarcastically “oh so I just don’t take the trash out enough!” I meant it as like “i love you as a person but functionally, I need changes in the relationship” but he hears something else. I tried to explain it but he is very reactive and sensitive to criticism.

Also, if he asked me to make changes in the relationship and the changes would make him happy, I would consider it without question. It’s one thing if it’s an impossible ask, but we were on the phone back and forth for 6 hours talking about how maybe I’m being unrealistic, him crying, me crying, how I shouldn’t have spoken to him about it (and maybe I should’ve vented to friends instead), how I’m asking too much of him when in reality, I’m just asking him to do more things I’ve been doing for him all along.

I’m very hyper independent. I moved to a new city on my own (where I met him) and I have no one else here like family to rely so I’ve been taking care of myself this whole time, not relying on anyone. To open up and tell him “it would be nice to rely on you more and if you could take the lead, I would really like that”, and then be met with a lot of pushback, it was really painful. I have a hard time feeling like I can come to him with any ways to improve our relationship without it blowing up into a big criticism of him. A big part of it is he is happy with how the relationship is so he doesn’t see any changes being necessary. He says he accepts me unconditionally and why can’t I do the same? I do accept him, I just want some changes in the relationship itself but my love for him isn’t any different? I also have a hard time bouncing back from this fight because it feels like I need to let go of this desire of “being taken care of” that I always wanted.

I know for a fact he loves me. He cooks for me and started making a list of things to cook for me when I told him I wanted more initiative from him (and I am a terrible cook and him cooking means a lot to me), he drives me around, he will sit with me and talk with me for hours if I’m in a bad place, he’s kind and articulate, and very smart, and we also just get along really well otherwise. I think he is genuinely a good man, albeit a bit sensitive, reactive, and lacks some kind of urgency. After things calmed down, we both apologized. He said he does want to try because he loves me, he’s just always worries if he’s ever enough for me. I said I was sorry and that maybe I expect too much and I don’t appreciate him as he is and I should adjust my expectations. We had a great weekend together afterwards but when the workweek came, I felt so tired and sad because it feels like I’m either giving up my chance to have the kind of love I want where I feel I’m in a relationship with a “strong, assertive man who can take care of me but also respects me and my independence” or I leave him and give up a great guy I genuinely love who does actually care about me but not in the way I want. I know that if I meet this magically “strong assertive man”, he will probably have pitfalls of his own anyway so no one will fit what I want to a T. How do I accept “good enough”? How do I let go of “dreams” I thought I wanted?

TLDR: The case of a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’m dating a great guy but wanted to see if our dynamic could adjust to meet more of what I’m looking for. After a long and painful conversation, it seemed like a really big ask and that I am just being too ambitious in getting my “dream relationship”. I’m a bit heartbroken by the idea of staying here but not getting the “dream”. I see now I’m being too idealistic and my partner isn’t as flexible as I thought he could be. He says he wants to try anyway, but I’m also exhausted fighting for what I wanted. I love him but I’m tired and I don’t know how to just feel okay with all of it. How can I accept “good enough”? How can I be more grateful for the relationship I have?

I met a man about 4 months ago, and I know for a fact he loves me truly and dearly. We are in our mid-30s. I know to some people, that is very fast to declare that level of love but he feels the way he feels. He says he’s no longer in a honeymoon phase, that this feels real for him. My emotions move slower, you can say I’m very cautious in love. I do love him and tell him I love him but do I want “forever” with him? Do I want to buy a house and have him as my life partner? I don’t know.

Tldr at the end.

He’s hurt because I came to him recently telling him I was feeling unhappy in our relationship. I come from a traditional family and even though I don’t define myself as very traditional, I do like some of the set up of man-providing, woman-caring. We, however, don’t fit those roles very well despite how much I may want it. I admittedly always wanted to be a “power couple” (which feels a little more modern than just man-provides etc.) with someone who made about the same as I did but when I got older and ambitions faded, I adjusted my expectations but that deep desire never really went away.

I make more money than him (60k vs 100k) and feel a bit obligated to take on more spending when we’re together. He hasn’t saved money in 2 years because “he gave up on buying a house by 35”. While 35 isn’t the goal for me, I never gave up on owning because it’s a dream I have so I’m still trying. He also works much less than I do, which contributed to the salary discrepancy.
A big piece of this is he doesn’t handle any criticism of the relationship well, as when I approached him with why I was a bit unhappy with our set-up, he took it as him “not being enough”, or me “not appreciating him” but really I was trying to see if we can change our dynamic where I can feel more “pampered and taken care of” because I want us to be endgame but I also know what I’m looking for in a relationship. For the record, he is trying to up his income, I’m okay with my income, so I don’t necessarily think it’s a money discrepancy.

When I asked if he can “do more” like plan dates or take more initiative, he says he has “performance anxiety” and that he feels like he’s “constantly being evaluated” and “told he’s not good enough” and “that he already tries so hard” and “i’m asking for too much.” And then he turns it around on me asking, “why can’t you pamper me?” but the thing is, he never asks for that nor is that a problem where he finds himself unhappy because I don’t do it. In fact, I give him massages, sent him food to his house when he hasn’t had time to cook, I bought him flowers, an expensive bday present, I pay for dinners, and always plan for activities we can do together when we’re in my neighborhood. I don’t expect him to take on ALL the burden as if I’m just here for a ride. Instead I told him that this is how I feel “taken care of”, like someone else takes the reigns for a bit, instead of me planning the next thing or anticipating someone else’s needs. I tried to frame it as: “I love you but I also need you to take the trash out more,” and his response was sarcastically “oh so I just don’t take the trash out enough!” I meant it as like “i love you as a person but functionally, I need changes in the relationship” but he hears something else. I tried to explain it but he is very reactive and sensitive to criticism.

Also, if he asked me to make changes in the relationship and the changes would make him happy, I would consider it without question. It’s one thing if it’s an impossible ask, but we were on the phone back and forth for 6 hours talking about how maybe I’m being unrealistic, him crying, me crying, how I shouldn’t have spoken to him about it (and maybe I should’ve vented to friends instead), how I’m asking too much of him when in reality, I’m just asking him to do more things I’ve been doing for him all along.

I’m very hyper independent. I moved to a new city on my own (where I met him) and I have no one else here like family to rely so I’ve been taking care of myself this whole time, not relying on anyone. To open up and tell him “it would be nice to rely on you more and if you could take the lead, I would really like that”, and then be met with a lot of pushback, it was really painful. I have a hard time feeling like I can come to him with any ways to improve our relationship without it blowing up into a big criticism of him. A big part of it is he is happy with how the relationship is so he doesn’t see any changes being necessary. He says he accepts me unconditionally and why can’t I do the same? I do accept him, I just want some changes in the relationship itself but my love for him isn’t any different? I also have a hard time bouncing back from this fight because it feels like I need to let go of this desire of “being taken care of” that I always wanted.

I know for a fact he loves me. He cooks for me and started making a list of things to cook for me when I told him I wanted more initiative from him (and I am a terrible cook and him cooking means a lot to me), he drives me around, he will sit with me and talk with me for hours if I’m in a bad place, he’s kind and articulate, and very smart, and we also just get along really well otherwise. I think he is genuinely a good man, albeit a bit sensitive, reactive, and lacks some kind of urgency. After things calmed down, we both apologized. He said he does want to try because he loves me, he’s just always worries if he’s ever enough for me. I said I was sorry and that maybe I expect too much and I don’t appreciate him as he is and I should adjust my expectations. We had a great weekend together afterwards but when the workweek came, I felt so tired and sad because it feels like I’m either giving up my chance to have the kind of love I want where I feel I’m in a relationship with a “strong, assertive man who can take care of me but also respects me and my independence” or I leave him and give up a great guy I genuinely love who does actually care about me but not in the way I want. I know that if I meet this magically “strong assertive man”, he will probably have pitfalls of his own anyway so no one will fit what I want to a T. How do I accept “good enough”? How do I let go of “dreams” I thought I wanted?

TLDR: The case of a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’m dating a great guy but wanted to see if our dynamic could adjust to meet more of what I’m looking for. After a long and painful conversation, it seemed like a really big ask and that I am just being too ambitious in getting my “dream relationship”. I’m a bit heartbroken by the idea of staying here but not getting the “dream”. I see now I’m being too idealistic and my partner isn’t as flexible as I thought he could be. He says he wants to try anyway, but I’m also exhausted fighting for what I wanted. I love him but I’m tired and I don’t know how to just feel okay with all of it. How can I accept “good enough”? How can I be more grateful for the relationship I have?

I (32F) met my new bf (38M) on a dating app about 4 months ago. It is very new, but by the 2nd date, we already decided to be exclusive, which is also new for me. TLDR at the end, thanks in advance for reading all of it if you do!

The issue: our lifestyles are very different, to the point where I’m having trouble seeing how we will “functionally” work in the future.

I live in a city 20 minutes away from him, in a smaller studio apartment. I work remotely from 9-5pm M-F so I make an effort to go out on the weekends, whether it’s hanging out with friends or meeting new people/friends of friends doing almost anything and everything. Bowling, drinks, dinners, beach days, movies, craft nights etc. I like going to the gym during the week and I also volunteer every other week, again, to get out of the house and stay busy. Despite it being busy, I enjoy my life and think “variety is the spice of life”.

He lives in a quiet suburbs and is pretty much a homebody that is perpetually online. He also works from home but doesn’t have friends in person, and a lot of his long term friends (10-20+ year friends) are online where he games, chats with them, or they stream movies together. He also works for himself but starts work at around 11-7pm from M-Th and sometimes works 4-6 hours a day, sometimes only 2 hours a day if it’s slow. He’s been living like this for about 6-7 years now, where he really doesn’t get out much and is a self-defined “recluse” (but working for himself for the past 4 years). He doesn’t exercise and is in a lot of chronic pain from poor posture and poor physique. He has mentioned a few times about how he has “given up” on life before he met me and was resigned to buying a cheap house in the middle of nowhere and be even more distant from society.

What our dating life looks like sometimes: He doesn’t have any fun or interesting places to show me so when I ask him to make plans, he’s very hesitant or gets nervous about where to go or what to do. We had a “fight” about it because I jokingly challenged him to woo me by planning a romantic date but when he didn’t, I asked what happened and he said he gets “performance anxiety” and feels like he “fails me” when he can’t think of stuff to do and worries I’ll get bored. I told him that “it isn’t a big deal, it’s just saying something like hey there’s this restaurant I want to try or an event that looks interesting” but whether it turns out fun or interesting isn’t on him or his fault (so it’s not “his performance” being evaluated here), but I’m just asking for more “prompting” because being the one to make plans or “drag him around” is exhausting. He says he’ll try to plan things more but he just doesn’t live his life like that, so I wonder if I’m expecting too much from him.

I have ADHD so I can be excitable and all over the place, but I’m actively medicated and recently paused therapy because I’m in a good place (and less anxious and depressed as I have been in the past). But the mental burden of planning dates has been weighing on me a lot and it sucks when I just want to try new things and build experiences with him. He is autistic and possibly ADHD, self medicates with a lot of caffeine, a lot of nicotine, in the past alcohol, but more recently weed and he is actively depressed. In contrast, he feels very sluggish and uninterested in much, which means his lifestyle of staying home and not trying new things logically makes sense to me but functionally, I’m not sure how to keep up a relationship where I’m the one who makes our get-togethers lively and interesting. It’s to the point where this weekend, I told him that maybe we need time to ourselves because I can’t be bothered to plan a date for us (I didn’t tell him the last part but I feel the frustration). Last weekend, we were at his place and we bummed around at home, which can be nice sometimes and I understand that it feels more fair to “take turns” in each other’s lifestyles, but I can’t imagine doing that every weekend even when we’re both introverted. But I’m also tired of being the one to plan interesting dates for the both of us when it’s “my turn” and it’s “my turn” a lot (even planning to stay home and bum around is “planning something”). So now I just feel resigned to do my own thing and take the worry off my own shoulders for the weekend because I find myself losing a lot of patience, waiting for him to tell me what he’d like to do.

The other hand: So you might be wondering, why are you with this guy when it sounds like you’re so incompatible? When we have intimate moments, it feels really special. Despite our day-to-day differences, our emotional connection feels really deep in that I can be deeply sensitive and pensive and he has a lot of sensitivity and emotional depth. He’s also a therapist so he has a lot of space to feel feelings and understand them and he’s very articulate and forgiving. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a matter of me redefining my relationship with boredom and impatience (another aspect we talked about when we were resolving our “fight”) and we talked through that together as something I can also try to work on. I have a lot of acquaintances, friends, and have dated A LOT and I never had an emotional connection like this where I feel very seen. I also like talking in an emotionally deep and focused way, so when he feels bad/depressed, it feels like I can be there for him too and it feels more reciprocal when other parts of our relationship do not. I feel like this emotional component is something I’ve been missing in a lot of, if not literally all, my past partners. We both sort of use the term “demisexual” to describe how we feel attraction. Without going into too many details, we also have a wonderful and active sex life.

In another vein of thought, he also seems actively burnt out as a solo provider in his own therapy practice and I wonder if that contributed to his depression, sluggishness, and current lifestyle, so to me, it feels like this isn’t a “permanent” thing, but he needs a sabbatical from work or to try a new branch of his profession, or something. I also know he pays a lot in taxes and to self-insure for medical care (USA) so I know money issues play a role into why he hasn’t sought out actual mental health care for himself like therapy or medication. I felt very similarly burnt out in a past job so I can understand where he’s at. I quit that job about 2 years ago now, took months off from work (had savings) and am almost a year into a new job that pays more and gave me a new lease on life, so I can tell that it can really make a difference.

It’s tough knowing how much to hold out though. I don’t go into relationships to “change” or “fix” people. I want to meet them as they are and see if we can have a relationship and build a future, whatever that looks like, but I’m having a hard time seeing it. The thing is, I know what we have is “special” in that I never felt this emotionally connected before but I’m also having a hard time “withstanding” being in the relationship as it is now. I don’t want to “wait for him to figure out his life” because what if he never does? Maybe getting a new job might help, but it might not and even if he’s not actively depressed, he has issues stemming from things you can’t just “fix” so there will always be “something” and I’m not sure how much that “something” is presenting itself now. It makes me wonder if we’re better off as friends and maybe lifestyle differences are more of a factor than just emotional depth and bandwidth.

But another honest truth is, I’m pretty tired of dating and have been wanting to settle down long term now that I’m in my 30s. I wonder if this is a matter of me being “impatient” and I just need to learn to “pick my battles” and accept maybe I should just plan things for us and get over it. On the plus side, he can be patient and accommodating and if I want to do something, he will most likely want to come with me and I get to plan it exactly how I want… Maybe it’s a matter of changing my perspective instead of waiting to “change” him?

TLDR: My bf and I are both neurodivergent introverts but very different in a sense where I’m more of an outgoing planner and he’s more of a reclusive homebody. I get frustrated being the one who makes most of the plans for our dates, he feels sensitively towards my frustration but still has a lot of anxiety about planning things to do, so nothing really feels “resolved”, we’re both just trying to accommodate one another better. I’m not sure it’s going very well after 4 months of being with each other and I find myself losing patience for it. On the other hand, I think we have a unique connection emotionally, we’re sexually very compatible, I have a lot of respect for him as a person, and I wonder if I just need a perspective change. I do ultimately want to settle down with someone, so maybe having more acceptance of the situation is the real answer to doing that?

Please help, I keep spinning my wheels about it and I’m kind of lost. Thanks!