u/cheesy_wolf

Welp, for those who have read my previous posts, I'm back! If you haven't, then that's fine since it's not so important now. Basically, I've been completely depressed for weeks now after being broken up with which is normal I guess. And recently I guess I was sorta getting a little bit out of the slumps? I still cry whenever I see her photo and every night when I go to sleep but at least now in the morning I can go a few hours without thinking about her. But of course nothing good ever lasts and I discover that she really just doesn't care about me now (it's a bit complicated but I'm sure). And yeah now I'm back to tearing myself apart. All the things we've gone through together, all the things we've done, all the things we've told each other and then boom break up bye bye!

I originally thought she cared about me, but now I'm not sure for how long she had been leading me on for. She's over me and that's a reality I'm not sure I'm ready to face. Just how do I get over this?

This is the second part to my first post "First Breakup". If you read "First Breakup" before you read this, then this will probably make more sense to you.
So then I don't have to mention her name, I'll be referring to my ex as "her" or "ex" for most of this.

So, I've had some clarity on my first breakup. Not at all am I saying that I'm over my first girlfriend (now ex); I still cry thinking about her, and can't look at anything that reminds me of her. But, I think I've reached some clarity.

It's very, very complicated so I'll try to summarize. I'll give you a bit of context first, so then you can get an idea of who my ex is and why this all happened. She has a tough life, you could say, because her life is very busy. She barely has time for herself, was always struggling with all the expectations of her parents and people around her, and overall just has a very stressful life. And I know this. I know this very well, because she loved me enough to share things about herself and talk to me about things that she wouldn't tell anyone else. Which is why it hurt so much when I found out why she really broke up with me.

I talked to my now ex's friend, who's also one of my good friends and has been there since the start of the relationship, cheering us on always. We had a very long discussion about the whole breakup, and the other side of it which I wasn't that familiar with. Basically, she said it was my fault. And it was. It really, really was. Only now that I think it all back do I see everything I did, even if I didn't see it at that time. I pushed her away from me, because I was self-absorbed, selfish, and was just living in my own fantasy where nothing I do has a consequence. I'm not proud of this at all, but seeking comfort I would always go to my friends and vent to them about our relationship. Of course, none of it was done with bad intent and I never TRIED to paint her in a bad light. But I really fucked up.

It just sounds so, so terrible now, but I would go to her OWN friends and talk to them about it, to people I barely know and talk about it, and just talk on, and on, and on about how our relationship just isn't working out. Who would have thought that she might have just been, you know, just a little bit upset about that? The term that my ex, her friend, and I have all come up with for it is "complaining". Just... Complaining. Because that's what it was. It was constant complaining about the same thing, over and over, spreading this to everyone she knows, just building up and up on her already massive pile of expectations. For her, it must have felt like she was trapped and had no where to go since she only has a few minutes a day just to have free time and every single time that happens, I'm there. I'm there reminding her how "depressed" I am.

Even though that was all happening, I still SOMEHOW thought I was an amazing boyfriend at that time. She had told me herself one time that I'm the best boyfriend, but she was being nice. That's the thing about all of this that I'm so sad about. It's that for all the time that I've known her, she has NEVER and I mean NEVER been mean, or rude, or anything like that to me before. Never. All she's done is show me her love as best she can, and be as understanding and patient as she could. But everyone reaches a breaking point. She didn't tell me how she really felt because she didn't want to hurt me, which you could say might be something that she could have done better, but that doesn't excuse anything I did before or after that. It doesn't excuse that I should have known how she was feeling. I know her too well to be this ignorant of her feelings.

I was supposed to be the one thing she could come to to find comfort, and have fun and enjoy herself. I was supposed to be the person who would always be there for her, and support her no matter what. But I'm young and stupid and make mistakes. It's just, I made the same mistake so, so many times. I'm sure I KNEW that all my "complaining" was not going to help our relationship, and if anything would make it worse because I'm basically talking about her behind her back. I just keep imagine if I was in her situation, and I just feel terrible. I'm ripping myself to shreds. How would I feel if she constantly talked about me behind my back? How would I feel if she was always clearly disappointed in the relationship, even if she didn't say it outright.

During the actual breakup she said that she still likes me but that the relationship just isn't realistic. I was wondering why she would have broken up with me if she still liked me, even if the relationship was going down. After all, wouldn't you want to be with the person you love for as long as possible? But now I know, because she was always too nice to tell me. Also, I remember sending her a long farewell letter, just to not let things end on such a bad note. Looking at it right now, I can't believe myself. The absolute delusion I lived in just makes me hate myself.

So with all of that out of the way, you could probably see how easy it would be for her to build up resentment for me. I took my own problems, and made her feel terrible about herself. None of what I was feeling was her fault. I shouldn't have done any of what I did and I just regret everything so much.

It really hurts knowing that the person I love and care about the most is the person I ended up hurting. It was so easily avoidable. Originally, when she ended things with me I thought she broke my heart, when in reality I was the one who broke it, because I broke hers first.

Before, I thought and hoped there was still a chance that she did really still like me and that maybe, just maybe we could get together again someday. It's not happening. I don't blame her at all for any of this, because honestly I'm not sure if I would have been much different if I was in her position.

I really, really fucked up. I pushed the best person I've ever known away from me, and I'm not even sure if she would even talk to me anymore, let alone still be friends. I've discovered that I'm selfish, self-absorbed and that I live in my own world.

Now, I have to live with the consequences of what I did and how I hurt her. But now, I also know that there are some things I have to work on. I'm not perfect and no one is. Still, I'm not proud of what's happened and how my relationship has turned out and I still hate myself for it. But what's done is done; there's no going back.

I'll still cry looking at gifts she's given me, and I'll still cry just thinking about her. At least this might be for the best. Maybe, it's better this way so then she can live a bit better without me adding on to her already immeasurable stress. It still hurts that I couldn't return to her all the happiness that she's brought me, and all the love that I've received. If she's happy, then I should be too.

I'm really tired and there was probably stuff I missed there. Like now that I think about it I think I wanted to talk about how our memories are going to hurt a lot now, and this is an important one. I made so many memories with her, and every single one is amazing.

Once again, how can I move on? How can I move on knowing that I hurt her?

I know it might not sound as much compared to other stories I've seen here, and that my heart break is nothing compared to many others, but I want to find a way to move on. This is my first breakup that I'm dealing with, and it was because my girlfriend of only around 6 months broke up with me. She was genuinely perfect, better than whatever my dream girl was. She was pretty, so, so kind, and she gave me so many of my firsts but now first ex is going to be one of them.

We made many promises to each other, but because we had to go to different schools we couldn't see each other at all. And because of her parents, she wasn't allowed to meet me, but could still meet with her new friends. We tried making up for it by talking online, but it's complicated and she basically can't talk much online because it's out of her control. Today is the 11th day in a row (not including the frequent silence before) that she had not talked to me, and when she did, it was a breakup. According to her, she still likes me, but the relationship just isn't realistic. I still love her too.

I apologize because I think that this whole post is mostly just a way for me to try and vent. Nothing that's happened was her fault, and nothing that's happened was mine either. Life is just taking it's course, and there's nothing we can do about it. It just really hurts that the relationship was actually doing okay, maybe going a bit downhill because of the silence. I still knew she loved me and she still knew I loved her.

I know it might not sound as much compared to other stories I've seen here, and that my heart break is nothing compared to many others, but I want to find a way to move on. This is my first breakup that I'm dealing with, and it was because my girlfriend of only around 6 months broke up with me. She was genuinely perfect, better than whatever my dream girl was. She was pretty, so, so kind, and she gave me so many of my firsts but now first ex is going to be one of them.

We made many promises to each other, but because we had to go to different schools we couldn't see each other at all. And because of her parents, she wasn't allowed to meet me, but could still meet with her new friends. We tried making up for it by talking online, but it's complicated and she basically can't talk much online because it's out of her control. Today is the 11th day in a row (not including the frequent silence before) that she had not talked to me, and when she did, it was a breakup. According to her, she still likes me, but the relationship just isn't realistic. I still love her too.

I apologize because I think that this whole post is mostly just a way for me to try and vent. Nothing that's happened was her fault, and nothing that's happened was mine either. Life is just taking it's course, and there's nothing we can do about it. It just really hurts that the relationship was actually doing okay, maybe going a bit downhill because of the silence. I still knew she loved me and she still knew I loved her.

How can I move on?