Just casual and things I wanted to say out loud
I think a lot at nights, especially about things like life, my love life, god, the world and everything that I can’t even remember during the day time.
But tonight the focus is on my love life and friendship and how am hopeless romantic. im 20 years old girl who grew up with environment where the love isn’t something that you can show or express in outloud no matter what kind of love is parents love, siblings, or others like friends. I feel like its something that make us frustrated to say outloud or you’ll look some way that I can’t really express. it because love is not exists in here (what I believe )and that’s why I can’t express to my beloved ones how much I love them. Or even be loved by someone I’ve never met someone who truly falls in love with me. And I’ve never dated before or even had a good talk stage where I feel like “oh I think I’ll date this time “
Because I’ve never had anyone that like me which I also like them. Also the people who like me, are the people that I don’t like and I swear to god it’s always an old man who have a wife and kids, some random dudes that saw me on the streets when im coming home, or that 32 years old man that has the sewing machine in the second floor of my apartment building. Honestly I can’t say they loved me because it’s one time they try to flirt and I just ignored them so they just give up. So It’s always the people I don’t want to have in my life and mind you it’s not always it happens once a time. and it’s not like I want to have bunch of stranger man be interest in me all the time, is that how barely I got interest in. Lol.
Even tho I grew up unloved environment but I love love and respect, and I want to find someone that can love me genuinely with all their heart. my heart is full of love but there’s no one to give lol. ( that sounds cringe idk) I always dreamt about having a partner. as I got older i feel hopeless, because what do you mean everyone around me has their own little love life no matter how it is. And I’m missing out here.
Sometimes I even ask myself if ever will find someone who loves me as I am, and vice verse. I believe, I deserve someone who’s nice, respectful and kind.
but btw tonight I want to write everything that am thinking because thinking to yourself always makes me feel like unending feeling. So I crave for sharing. To night I want to put into words to feel relief. Then I’ll just say bunch a lot of stuff that maybe doesn’t matches it can be either one, there’s too much things that in my mind that just keep coming up and I have to write it down or I think I have undiagnosed adhd idk.
friends: in my life I had a few friends in school over the years and I think at this moment in my life is when I have the most less. I have literally no close friends at this moment and it’s really s@d/hard to maintain life without genuine friends.
To be honest am an introvert person. yes sometimes I get social, when I get comfortable and if I feel like I can vibe with someone or people. So I’ve never had a group of friends that am really close to or even just a group of friends. And I believe group friends are the one of the things that can make someone social or to have a friends even if they are not close to all that people in the group.
I love online friendships, it’s really good but you have to ask me do i have friends on online, no I don’t have but I really try to find some good friends online I’ve got some but yk ghosting and losing interest is real a thing nowadays or just forgetting about each other, so I’ve lost a lot of online friends for whatever reason, but the thing is it doesn’t makes me s@d to lose those friendships because they are barely reach one month, but it does makes feel bad for myself to not be able to have someone I can call a FRIEND, someone that I can feel save to share my thoughts and feelings without being judged, someone that I can love as a friend and listen to their yap daily, someone who consider me as a close friends or best friend. I have a friend in my back home, but after I moved another country for some reason the friendship just faded after a year we still contact but not frequently enough like we used to.
I’m not a person who open up to everyone easily, and I’ve never open up to anyone like fully. So sometimes I wish I’d just have someone to talk to. It’s crazy coz I have a big family but it feels different to be open to them and I can’t and I don’t want to be open if they’re the only people on this planet honestly. Not because I hat@ my family , I really love my family, but people can have different mindset and I personally think we all have different mindset and we prefer different lifestyles. So why bother to be open to someone who literally doesn’t understand and gets you.
That it is, thanks if you read till here. I really appreciate it.
And sorry if my English isn’t good enough, it’s not my first language.
I don’t even know why am posting this, maybe to find people who have something similar if not so I’ll at least feel relieved to say something from my mind, but this time not to only myself.
Bye bye.