I reported what happened to me as a child to police
This is a hard one for me to write, or even think about most of the time. I’m 27 now and only just recently been able to bring myself to report what happened to me as a child. I was a victim of cocsa, it started around the age of 6 with inappropriate sexual behaviour and continued up until he raped me at age 13. After that I did whatever I could to never be in the same space as him again.
I’ve spent my whole life carrying around so much guilt and shame and anger about my childhood. I’ve developed so many mental health problems from not only the abuse but also the confusion that came with it. Not being able to talk about it, questioning whether it was really that bad, questioning if it could really be classed as abuse if he was the same age as me. The anger I felt but having nowhere to place it as he was also young and probably abused himself. I lost almost my entire childhood and teenage years to mental illness, and even now it’s still a daily struggle just to get through the day sometimes.
And now, at the age of 27, after dealing with it on my own in my head for over a decade, I’ve reported it. Do I expect much to come from it? No, not at all. But for the sake of my own mental health, I had to. Every single time I’ve thought about it or remembered something the same questions run through my head; ‘what if I’m not the only one?’ ‘What if it’s a pattern of behaviour that he still exhibits now?’ ‘What if me saying something helps even 1 other person?’
I don’t know if I was the only one, I don’t know if he’s still like that, I don’t know any of the answers to those questions. All I know is that I couldn’t keep quiet any longer on the off chance that my report could potentially help someone else. For my own peace of mind, I’ve done all I can do, and now I can work on finally closing this door.
What happened to me has left me deeply wounded and it’s something I will be paying for for the rest of my life. And even if the report goes nowhere, at least I know there will be a record of it, and I no longer have to suffer in silence.