My issue with my family
I just can’t seem to understand why my family is so confused about my personality now. They see me as selfish and opportunistic and apathetic but they fail to realize the fact that they made me like that. During my formative years literally none of them were there for me. They saw how much I struggled with everything (had no friends so i was surrounded by these people) and decided to further it by making fun of my looks, personality, literally EVERYTHING about me. When i would cry they would just fucking laugh at me or yell and ask why I was crying. I vividly remember sobbing in the bathroom (because i shared a room) and my cousin picking the lock and eventually just laughing at me. They turned me into their jester and it hurt so fucking bad that I holed up any empathetic positive version of myself and replaced it with who I am now. Yes, i’m selfish, but its because i only had myself. when the whole house was making fun of me and i was crying i had to soothe myself by stroking my own ego. nobody was really there except me, so of course ill be loyal to myself. I still struggle with self confidence today and great imposter syndrome because i just cant live up to this persona i built. i also try and be nice to people outside my family, but with my family i feel so empty like i dont care about them at all. I jusr cant comprehend how you can treat someone like literal shit for years and when they internalize that and begin to act like shit you cry “woe is me” and scream that theyre selfish. i think it just hurts them to see a product of what they created staring back at them with hate, but i dont know