u/chokecandy

ok so first of all, i know this isn't a healthy way to think, and i am trying to work on it. but i'm so goddamn jealous whenever my friends have other friends because it makes me feel like i'm not the most important person in their lives. i know that's irrational, but it hurts so much because to me, they're the most important person in mine.
i think this is honestly why i can't keep friends. i get too attached, i'm too intense, and i end up being overbearing without meaning to. it feels like my idea of friendship is just... too much for most people. i can't really do casual friendships bc they leave me feeling empty. i don't know how to care about someone halfway.

i hate that my brain works like this, but part of me genuinely thinks, what's the point of having friends or a partner if you're not completely codependent on each other?

it's such a lonely mindset to have because i know it pushes people away bc of how much i need them (which will inevitably ruin the friendship), but at the same time, relationships that don't have that level of closeness just make me feel so deeply unsatisfied. i don't know how to explain it without sounding possessive or selfish. i don't want to control anyone or stop them from having other people in their lives. i just wish i didn't constantly feel like i'm being replaced, or like i'll never matter to someone as much as they matter to me.

the loneliness is fucking killing me right now i've gotten so lonely that i'd do anything just to have one person here with me. i don't even care if they end up triggering me eventually. i just want someone who can make me feel good about myself, someone who can make me forget about all the bullshit i've been through. i'm so tired of carrying all of this by myself.
everything feels so empty all the time. the only two friends i have are always busy with work, school, or meeting new people, and i just end up alone with my thoughts again. meeting new people feels impossible. i'm so socially awkward and insecure that every interaction feels exhausting before it even starts.
and dating apps just make it worse. they're nothing but a quick dopamine hit that disappears almost instantly, and then i'm right back where i started. scrolling through people over and over, hoping something will feel different, but it never really does. i just want a genuine connection with someone. someone who makes me feel wanted, understood, and like i actually matter for once.

i can't stand hearing people socialize. every time i hear a group of friends outside having fun, it pisses me off cause it's a constant reminder of everything i've never had. for them it's effortless. they have people to call, people to hang out with, people who actually want them around. they don't have to think about it. they just exist and somehow they belong somewhere.
meanwhile i'm stuck listening to it from the sidelines like a spectator in my own life. what really gets me is how everyone acts like this stuff is guaranteed. people say "just go out more" or "you'll find your people eventually" as if friendship and connection magically happen to everyone. meanwhile years go by and nothing changes. every laugh is a reminder that life seems to come naturally to everyone else. they're making memories while i'm wasting another night alone. they're living the years i'm supposed to be living while i sit here watching them disappear.
and after a while you stop feeling sad about it.
you just get bitter bc no matter how badly u want it, no matter how much u think about it, wanting something doesn't mean you'll ever get it.
it feels like some people get a place in the world and some people just get to watch.

my therapist says i’m extremely self aware which sounds like a good thing until you realize it just means i can explain every toxic pattern and trauma response in detail while still struggling to control any of it. i can tell you exactly why i react the way i do, where it comes from, what triggered it, and how irrational it sounds, but the emotions still hit just as hard.
sometimes i honestly feel like i have to act less self aware to get proper care because the second you can explain yourself well people assume you’re functioning better than you actually are. like because i can intellectualize my feelings and talk about them calmly, nobody realizes how intense everything feels internally. i’ve gotten so used to analyzing myself that i end up sounding “too aware” to seem like i’m actually struggling.
it’s weird because self awareness in bpd doesn’t make the disorder hurt less. if anything it just makes you painfully conscious of every spiral, every attachment issue, every fear of abandonment, every unhealthy coping mechanism in real time.

as someone who’s experienced abuse myself, it genuinely upsets me seeing the way people on this subreddit talk about victims of abuse and reactive abuse. niall is obviously not a perfect victim, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been abused by ruben for decades. the way some people try to paint him as “worse” than ruben feels really unfair and honestly dismissive of how abuse affects people over time. victims don’t always react perfectly, especially after 30 years of being hurt and manipulated, and i wish more people here understood that nuance instead of reducing everything to “who behaved better.”
and honestly, i hate when people say things like “niall is going to end up worse than ruben.” like… based on what? niall fucking mona is apparently the worst thing he’s capable of after being tormented by ruben for most of his life. meanwhile ruben has spent decades emotionally and psychologically and physically abusing him. and again, yes, niall has hurt other people too, but ruben has literally raped him THREE TIMES, not to mention all the times he’s hit, degraded, and humiliated him over the years. so yeah, i’m sorry but i don’t think it’s unreasonable for niall to be angry at ruben after everything he’s been put through.
i do feel bad for the abuse ruben went through because of his dad, and that absolutely explains why he is the way he is to some extent, but can we please be rational here? having trauma doesn’t magically erase the harm you cause to other people, and it definitely doesn’t make the victim “worse” for reacting badly after years of abuse.

i'm an only child + i have extremely abusive parents and no extended family and it's so unfair bc my "family” is always going to be people i’m not related to since i have no other choice and i know i'll never ever compare to my fp's family (well, in my case, her cousin), and it just kills me. i can't even be mad, but it hurts so much to know that her blood will always come before me. we’re already growing distant as it is. i’m so depressed i want to die. she's the only person i feel truly safe with she's so important to me but i know that i'll never come first