Have you found yourself yet?
I thought perhaps this would go away naturally as I age, but every time I look at myself in the mirror, it just doesn't look like me, and I'm not even sure what I think I should look like. I have this weird thing where every time I look in the mirror and I felt this way my entire life swear it just doesn't look like me. If I think about it, I can remember pretty much any moment from my life back to the age of three or so but for some reason I seem to have no sense of identity? If we are the sum of our past experiences shouldn't I just be me? But what is me?
I have supposedly already had the early 40s midlife crisis I bought a Porsche have a six-figure salary and by pretty much everyone's opinion I " made it"
But it all feels very empty. My entire family from my childhood growing up has all passed on except an uncle or two. My own two children decided to take their mother's side in a messy divorce thankfully I am remarried and have three beautiful step kids. However I am constantly searching for meaning in this life.
I often times reflect on memories of the past, as a matter of fact it's where I spend most of my time, which I believe is making me miss out on things in the present. Why do I revisit the past so much? Am I trying to justify or validate something?
Is this the real midlife crisis? If so this sucks. The first midlife crisis in my early 40s was much more fun.
Edit: thank you to all the replies, including the negative ones. I've been seeing a therapist since 2018 (same therapist) and I've certainly not been a good person at several points in my life. I also call myself a Buddhist, which seems to be a pretty shallow assessment of what I think it means to be a Buddhist. I do read, although sadly it's all on the phone. I used to drink like a fish, but stopped that back in February. Also, I have certainly looked into psilocybin and it's benefits, without abusing like booze.
I've taken the approach in the past that I've always done whatever was needed to make people like me, and that usually involved buying material things for myself or others. I can now clearly see how that approach has back fired and blew up most things in my life.