u/citymorgues

(Diagnosed with N1, F23) I’ve had my shipment of Xywav for over two months now. But I have had relentless anxiety everytime I even think about taking it. I have found every excuse not to start this medication. But I can’t go on like this. I wake up, take my adderall, usually drink 2-3 cups of coffee, I work, I take a shower, eat and go to bed usually at like 7 PM. I don’t play video games anymore, I haven’t been able to workout in years, I don’t enjoy going out.. watching TV/movies.. or basically anything in the evening that most people would enjoy and consider unwinding. It has made me horribly depressed, and is ruining my relationship. I am lucky to have such an understanding partner, I truly am. But I want to spend more time with my partner, and I am declining in function. When I was first diagnosed back in January, the adderall helped immensely. That is up until around two months ago. I have slowly been returning to how I was pre-diagnosis.
Upping my adderall is not going to fix my problem, I am the worst sleeper ever. I am unfortunately not graced with the “refreshing naps” that most narcoleptics get. Instead, I usually always end up sleeping around 3-5 hours. Which then is broken up by constant wake-ups from short-lived hyper-realistic dreams where I am shooting up out of my sleep, tossing and turning, hearing my boyfriend say things when he isn’t. The list goes on, and this is usually how my night-time sleeping patterns follow as well.
I have even been trying to formulate the words for this post for over a half an hour, and I feel nothing I type makes sense. I can’t put my thoughts into words. I am so tired, my brain is so foggy. I am so over feeling like this.
I know people have immense success with this medication, and that for most people, it is LIFE CHANGING. However, the thought of being so sedated I feel drunk, dizzy.. nauseous? That sounds very scary to me.
I have never been a person to enjoy any sort of drug use. Weed? Nope, literally scarred me. Not even some wine to wind down, or one beer with some friends. I absolutely hate the feeling of being under the influence of anything, it causes immense anxiety and panic within me. I hate that feeling of not being in control.
I finally thought last night was the night. My boyfriend helped me prepare my two doses, turned off all the lights, got me all comfy, gave me a ton of words of encouragement.. we cuddled for a while before it was time to take my dose. He reassured me that he would check in on me every few minutes, make sure I’m still breathing.. (this was partially because he read the side effects and freaked himself out, but it did feel reassuring on my end.)
Then when it came time, I started having a full blown panic attack, I was a mess. I started bawling my eyes out. I was so scared, but I didn’t want to be. I felt pathetic, it’s not that hard. Just take the medicine.
My boyfriend comforted me and told me that it was okay that I wasn’t ready tonight, and that the medicine isn’t going anywhere. He did not want me to take it anyway while I was in the midst of a panic attack – stating that my side effects could be worsened or I might not be able to fall asleep if I’m having a panic attack. Which is true, who knows what could have happened if I ended up taking it, working myself up and being unable to fall asleep.
So I don’t know how I will be calm while taking this medicine, I think I have enough coping skills in my back pocket from years of therapy to keep myself from having a panic attack. But I am very worried that I will start getting in my head after laying down and make it a traumatic experience when I didn’t even give it a chance to work because I was freaking out.
I wish this wasn’t so hard for me, I feel pathetic. Maybe this medicine just isn’t for me.
I have already talked with both my Jazzcare nurse and the pharmacy to alleviate my worries, and that seemed only short-lived.
And yes, I am diagnosed with anxiety and I am on medication for it, it is managed and I see a therapist. Any advice or words of encouragement would be helpful, I honestly just don’t know how to go about this. I really need to start tonight though, I realize I will never “feel ready”
I don’t know how I am going to go about this though, I don’t know if I can do it.